Help, How do I fix me and my daughter - FamilyEducation
Help, How do I fix me and my daughter
06/23/2009 at 03:55 AM

I recently found out my 15 yr old gave oral sex to a boy, I told 3 of my friends a,I needed someone to talk to,but now my daughter is really hurt and mad.I don't know how to fix it. I feel like if she was not proud of it she should not have done it and I did not tell to humillate her.We start counseling next week.Now she says she will not tell me anything She is constantly putting me down and calling me names and coming at me physically.I have 2 other girls 10 and 6 that are observing this behavior and my husband her step-father is about to give up.Her 19 yr old 1/2 sister is a bad influence but I will loose her totally if I forbid her to see her sister.She was at her 1/2 sister's house when this happend, She is not aloud to spend the night withher sister anymore.I also took her and put her on the depo shot every three months.

At some point she needs to understand that STD's are transmitted through oral sex. When I was 14, I got up early for some band thing and got dressed in the dark while I was groggy. I figured out later while I was brushing my teeth, that I had my bra on backwards. I told my mom. She told two friends, and they told two friends, and they told two friends . . . We lived in a small town. For the next couple of weeks it seemed like all the women I knew were giving me extra big smiles. I think you need to seek your daughter's forgiveness for betraying her trust. She needed to be able to trust you a lot more than you needed someone to talk to. The steps to seeking forgiveness are 1. Recognize you did wrong 2. Feel remorse 3. resolve to change 4. reform (follow through on your resolve) 5. make restitution (fix the harm you did) this includes restoring what was broken and offering a sincere apology. I don't know that you can restore the trust that was broken. If you can do so with integrity, you should pray for help with that part.

I don't see a problem w/ you telling your friends in confidence about this situation. When someone needs advice, often they turn to their friends. On the other hand, if you know your friends are the gossiping type, I'd keep a tight lip. This is a private and embarrassing situation for your daughter. You have to take that into account. How did you find out about your daughter engaging in oral sex anyway? Did she tell you, or did you find out some other way? If she came to you in confidence, you shld've kept this info to yourself and handled the situation yourself. However, if she didn't tell you about what she did or she didn't swear you to secrecy when you found out, then I don't see a problem. Just be careful who you talk to. Word gets around quickly, and the last thing you want is for your daughter to feel ridiculed. Address the situation by talking about it w/ your daughter. Explain that what she did is upsetting to you. Also explain to her the risks involved in her actions. Keep close tabs on your daughter. I think the depo shot is a good idea, as well as the counceling. The fact that your daughter is attacking you both verbally and physically is not ok. You shldn't feel bad about any of this. It's not you who has to rebuild trust here. It's your daughter who needs to prove herself to you. Until she does that, stand your ground. It sounds like your daughter is manipulating you into feeling guilty and making you out to be the bad guy. Let's not forget that she's the one who performed the act, not you. Be the parent, and don't let your daughter walk all over you. She'll get the hint eventually that she's not the one in charge here. You are.

You have done the right thing by putting her on birth control to start and as I mentioned in another post do let her know you don’t agree with teen sex but that it is for her own safety. Talking about sex with your teen daughter early is very important because it opens the doors of communication as they go through their teen lives. Second I am happy to hear you are getting some counseling and possibly this will help. One thing is to know that your daughters go through different and difficult phases of their teen lives and hopefully this will pass but in the meantime the best thing you can do is to try and talk to your daughter in a non threatening way but more with compassion and an open heart as yelling will only make them clam up and shut you out. I do think though that with her name calling especially you, she has absolutely no respect for her parents and possibly other adults as well and this is not a good thing at all, at this point in her life the only thing you can do is be firm whether its grounding and taking away every possible thing that makes her life complete and that she enjoys until she learns that she is NOT the boss and that her behavior is NOT going to be tolerated in your home, you must stick to what you say and follow through not only for her but for your younger children as well. Believe it or not kids want to be disciplined and as strange as that seems it’s the truth, you need to have a combination of a lot of love and patience along with just the right amount of discipline. As far as her being upset with you because you told some friends I understand this and all you can do is apologize and tell her why you felt the need to talk about it, but DO NOT let her hold this above your head and use it against you this in NOT an option by any means! Just say sorry and move on to repairing your relationship with your daughter…talk…talk…talk and try and open up the doors of communication and then keep them open. Time also heals all wounds as long as you both are willing to mend them.