Feel like giving up:( - FamilyEducation
Feel like giving up:(
10/16/2009 at 22:43 PM

Several Issues

I have a 16 will be 17 in December teenage boy that I feel like is out of control. He was the perfect child until last year, first the girlfriend went sour, then basketball wasn't going and then he got "new" friends...yeah......

Anyway, last year in April of last year I logged on to his myspace and saw a picture that caught my attention so I decided to drug test him, and he was positive for pot. I was so disappointed. I grounded him for a month and took everything away from him, everything. Since then I randomly drug test him and have had no problems. As a matter of fact I thought he was normal again. First, quarter is over and he has all A's and 2 B's.

However, as of this past week everything has gone down hill again and I am not so sure I have the strength to do this again.

A week ago his car broke down in the country, when his dad went to pick it up it smelled of pot really bad. I already had the drug test ready when he called for the ride, because something about two teenage boys riding around on a raining day...early morning (10 am) in the country did not make sense. When he first came home we went in the bathroom (as that is how I test him...with me there) and he said he did not have to go. After 3 16oz water bottles later & 4 hours he peed and it was neg, but who knows what that is worth because of all the water I gave him. He did admit to his friend smoking in the car, which he has been told several times that is just as bad as smoking it himself. So once again, he was told who he can and can't hang around with and the only 2 people on his can list were 1 friend who I know doesn't smoke & his girlfriend again a good kid.

On Wed evening, he came in my room advising his friend (one that he was banned from) was in a wreck on the same country road....and need a ride...long story short I picked the friend & the other kid up and took them home. Once they were out of the car I asked my son, now what do you think they were doing in the country at 11:30 at night, and he goes, " not smoking dope they were hitting mailboxes with their vehicle".....omg did he just say that...so of course I went in to how that is a federal offense and blah blah blah... and of course he said he would never do that.... So again we went in to y he cannot be friends with that kid. well the next day as I was stewing on all this wonderful news that had transpired I decided to call all the parents of his "friends" (on his cannot list) and confront them and ask for help. they are all good people who care and were very nice and accepting to talking to the kids and all of us keeping in touch to try to get a handle on the situation....

Well then of course my son was horrified how could I do that and called me all sorts of lovely names and then four hours later told me he loved me????????????????????

The week doesn't stop...then the next night his gfriend tells me her coach will not play her because she dates my son and he is a bad influence and she should make better choices...are you kidding me...a teacher telling another student their feelings on another student wtf.....so I emailed this teacher and told her exactly what I thought of her comments and instead of the teacher contacting me on my email she pulls my sons gfriend in to the office and yells at her about my email......can you imagine the names I got called today.......

I really don't know what to do. My son has been spoon fed his whole life to much ass kissing and not enough ass beating. Seems like at this point it is useless and I feel like such a failure and all to blame. If I wasn't so damn nosey everything would be roses around here...

I really feel like sending him to live with his dad, but his dad is a piece of crap and would not care what he would do. But, I just don't think I have the energy or emotional energy to do this again. Last, year was like walking on egg shells. To make it worse I am already emotionally drained because I just had to have a hysterectomy 2 weeks ago for cancer, I just feel like leaving and never coming back.

Goodness, you have really been put through it lately, haven't you? Well, you can't give up and you have to find the emotional energy to keep it up. You are saving your son from making some really bad choices and that is what you have to do. He will come through all this with your help. It doesn't sound like sending him to his dad is a good choice but is there anyway that his dad could help you with any of this or will he really just let him do whatever he wants? I think you need to sit down with your son and have a long talk with him about what you are going through and how you need his help and support right now. Perhaps giving him some responsibility with you will help give him a sense of purpose too. Also, does he have a job? If not, I would encourage him to get a part-time job, this helps with responsibility and also with less free time to drive around the country doing whatever. As for you, if you are really feeling this desperate and depressed about everything, I suggest that you look into counseling for yourself to help you cope with what all you are going through yourself! Please keep us posted and let us know how things are going. Marti http://www.familyeducation.com/home/

Many formerly "perfect" young people go through a not so good phase. My daughter did, as did many of my nieces and nephews. Perhaps your son is also stressed by your health situation. Marti gives good advice, try her suggestions and best wishes to you both.

Hi All: He just got a job...yeah!! And he does basketball & track so should be busy for awhile. I have tried the long talk several times and he seems to blow me off. I don't think it is my health as this is round 2 and both times it is/was just stage 0 so surgery cured it both times, so I don't think he gets it, even though I try to explain it to him. I thought the not so good stage was last year, but it seems to be carying over...uhh. It is so hard to tell them who they can and cannot hang out with because they then do it behind your back. Hopefully, being around a different group of kids once basketball starts and work will keep him focused and free from these kids that seem to be bringing him down. Thanks, for the replies I will keep you posted.

Hi Jacmay! I am glad to hear that your son is now in sports and also working. That alone is great because you cannot have a job these days or play sports if you are going to smoke pot and commit felonies! Looks like that will be very tough for him without a boss and a coach finding out about it so you now have two more adult eyeballs watching your son when he's not with you. This is a great thing! I know you are drained and tired but dig deep. Don't give up. It sounds to me like your son and his friends are bored and trying to create some drama to stir things up in their teenage lives. Hence, the pot smoking and ridiculous mailbox incident. I am familiar with both if you can believe it. I once did the same things because there was nothing else to do and it seemed like a cool idea at the time. I was young, bored, stupid, and my friends were not helping. However, I was a good kid. I was also extremely smart and went on to a prestigious University to earn my Bachelors Degree after high school and then went to Yale for graduate study. Yes...the pot smoker and mailbox baseball participant went to Yale! I know it's not funny when this is happening but I can assure you that it is a phase. What you have to do is keep up with his life, his friends, and his progress in the RIGHT direction. Reward the positive changes he makes as much as possible. Let him know that you think he's amazing when he does well. Correct him when he's made poor choices and always have tough consequences when he does. Never cave in and never let him see you falter. Also, follow up with his coach and his boss at work. Make sure he is where he says he is and ask them how he's doing. Be slick and don't let your son know you are checking. Until you can have more trust and he has gotten over some of his craziness, he needs guidance and monitoring whether he likes it or not. I think he is on the right track. As for the incident with the "girlfriend" and her sports coach...that is 100% unacceptable. The lady needs to be reported to the Principal or School Board. Her actions are completely out of line and if she's a teacher, she needs to be reprimanded for what she has done. Trust me, I am giving you solid advice. I moved on from my crazy teenage stunts to become a Psychologist and I have also been a Vice Principal for K-8th grade. Soon enough, your son will realize that acting like a fool and breaking laws is not for him and people who do this are not friends. They are criminals. He will, however, have some very funny stories to share and it will make you laugh some day when you look back on all of it. It will happen. Good luck...keep going in a forward direction....dig deep...and let us know how you are doing.

So, I think I must of just had a brief melt down, because report cards came out yesterday and I was PLEASANTLY surprised:)...He is on the honor roll again..THANK GOD. His teachers love him and his Spanish 3 teacher asked me what I did to him because he is completely different than last year, he doesn't talk, he ask questions, he is respectful, if I was rich he probably could of swindled a lot of money from me yest, lol!!! I sent him 3 texts telling him how proud I was of him (he was at work when I got home)...put his report card on his bed and told him what a great job he is doing. Had another talk with him earlier in the week with his step mom. She told him how her brother was a jr. in hs and had a 3.9 gpa and had already been accepted to a University and got caught with pot residue in an ink pen and was expelled and lost his scholrship over "pot residue" this was 5+ years ago and he is now a cook in a truck stop....we asked my son if that is where he wanted to end up, his eyes were kind of big and he said no. I also printed off information on mj use, so I have probably over killed him with info, but want him to keep it top of mind. O and on the school thing he got these grades and he has no study hall, he is taking computers, spanish 3, amer lit, amer hist, alg 2, bio 2!!! Again, thanks for the replies and yes to last poster I'm sure he will have many stories to tell as he thinks everything he does is hilarious!