Daughter has no friends
04/25/2007 at 09:17 AM

My 13 year old daughter doesn’t have any friends at school.  We recently moved to a new state, and although she is a warm, smart and sensitive person, she hasn’t made any new friends.  She had throngs of friends at her old school, and is now completely miserable.  I’m not sure how to help her.

Hi Phyl,

 

Wow, 13 is a hard time to move and try to make new friends.  Have you talked to her about this?  Maybe encourage her to have someone over for a spend the night party or something.  Encourage her to get involved in some activities at school that will build her friend base.  Maybe a summer camp this summer so that she can meet some people with similar interests.

 

Does she have any interests that could help her make friends?  Girl Scouting, the local community theater, softball, soccer, dance, tumbling, anything?

 

Marti

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62

Hi,

My daughter will be 13 in September. That is a really difficult age, both for them and for us.

When we moved to where we now live, we invited all of her classmates to her birthday party. We live in a rural area, with a very small school, so there were probably about 20 kids or so.

We had her party outside, and just about everyone showed up. She has had friends ever since.

I don't know if that is feasable for you to do, and it doesn't have to be a birthday party.

Maybe a summer vacation party or something.Since it can be an outside party, there won't be that much to do, really. Make some koolaid and have some cake and ice cream.

As far as games are concerned, I really never had to come up with any myself. The kids did that all on their own.I just provided items for them to play with, such as balls,frisbees, etc.

Hope this helps,

Christy

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117

Moving to a new state can be a much more difficult adjustment for teenagers.  For starters the fashion can change from state to state, and what was in and cool back in your old state may not be in and cool where you are living now.  I would talk to your daughter about the fashion in school and how it compares to her old school.  Students are superficial and if you have the cool handbag or the cool outfit then the other kids want to chat with you, but if your wearing yesterdays fashion then they will leave you out.  You might need to take her shopping and have her pick out outfits that are cool in her new school. 

Another good idea is for you to befriend other parents.  If your friends with the parents your daughter will get friendly with their children too.  You could also offer to drive other kids in the neighborhood to school and that will enable her to make new friends.  Another idea is to get her involved in activities.  This will also boost self confidence and it sounds like she could use that right now.  Pick a sport or activity (school newspapaer, debate team, music) she is good at and encourage her to get involved in the school team.

Making real friends take time, and reassure your daughter that she will soon find a real best friend.

 

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140

Hi there,

Just stick with her decisions.  She will eventially make friends.  My daughter is 12 and she has been bullied for a year and all her friends from the past don't like her, as the ring leader has told them not to, and she has been miserable and not wanting to go to school.  I spoke to the principal and teachers, and just remember, it is harder on us moms,,,,,

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312

Hey cam,

 

That must have been really hard on you and your daughter.  I hope that it is getting better.  It is so hard when someone decides to make another kid's life miserable.

 

Keep us posted on how it goes.

 

Marti

 

http://www.familyeducation.com/home/

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336

I have a 13 year old myself. Maybe it is a good thing that she has not made friends yet. If she rushes into friendships she may end up with the wrong friends. Being a new environment there are sure to be people and places to get her in trouble. I would let her make her friends when she is sure of the right friends to choose.

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464

Hey Marti,

Yes, it is soo hard on the parents, specially the mom, but i finally went to the principal and he pulled in every girl in my daughters class and found out that my daughter was being bullied, and touch wood; she has not been bullied, and it's going into the third week. So my prayers have been answered, i know its touch, but my daughter was so strong...i know its hard when they make friends, people are right, sometimes you don't want to know their friends..

 

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473

Glad to hear things are getting better. However, it's critical that you know who your daughter's friends are... this enables you to have control and understand how she thinks etc.  By knowing who she hangs out with may save her life one day - is she hanging out with smokers - bad choices are being made; is she hanging out with friends who aren't doing well in school - well that rubs off too and more bad choices are being made - Always know your child's friends.....

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474

My son has been at his new school for 2 years and also has a hard time making friends. He has joined scouts but has not clicked w/ any of the boys over the past year although he loves scouting activities. He does get along well w/ an older boy who just got his Eagle but the age difference hinders a real freindship.We only moved one town away but his old friends have ditched him. The one kid he has talked to on and off from his grade seems like a good boy but nothing much in common.He has seen what hanging w/ the wrong kids did to his sister who is now 18 and graduated so he stays away from trouble. Any ideas? He sits around the house bored a lot unless I do things w/ him. I'm also a single working parent.

 

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489

I'm happy to have found this message board. I have a 12yr old daughter who has never really had many friends. Sometimes I think it bothers me more than her. The reality is she virutally has no friends. She had one "best friend" who for reasons I don't understand appears to have lost interest in the friendship. My daughter is smart, funny, attractive. I have always noticed she is more comfortable with adults than with peers and she seems to become more quiet and to not be quite sure what to do or say. However, she doesn't seem unhappy or bored and denies being lonely to me. I know some people are just more loner types and I've wondered if I should just accept this or be really concerned. It breaks my heart quite frankly. Her younger brother is on the autistic spectrum, sometimes I've wondered if my daughter has some kind of "splinter" characteristics. She does quite well in school, plays an instrument, loves to sing and perform and read. She's not the most socially sophisticated person but at the same time I don't see her as being significantly odd in the way she interacts with people.

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823

I am hoping people still use this message board.  My daughter is 15. She used to have a social crowd, but had a falling out with the girls and now no one seems to want to be her friend.  She says she doesn't mind stay home and avoids school events.  I know she would like to be going out with friends, but seems to have given up on having anyone like her.  What can we do for her?

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1849

we are raising a 12 year old grandson. has always had the problem with friends. he attends private schools cause he has learning disabilities,adhd until we realized the more activities he`s involved in the more friends he has .kids have bad days too.he bowls ,he attends church,and serves mass,and school, and he also has his regular friends at home. they can`t all have a beef with him.not just one set of friends it works.

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2025

I'm so glad I found this forum because I've always felt alone with my daughter's friend problem.  My daughter is very similar to yours, she even has a brother with aspergers.  I would love to chat a little more with you to maybe get a little advice.  If you would like to please let me know.

 

Cynthia

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2405

My oldest daughter had very few friends.  I became her Brownie Leader and was usually her leader up until she was a Senior Girl Scout.  I know that some groups of Girl Scouts are cliquish and mean, but the girls we were with were pretty much like the Girl Scout law said.  Anyway, she is 30 now, and has a wide circle of friends, is well integrated into her community, married, two children, happy, successful.  Her best friends are Girl Scout friends.  I think you have to have the right leader, or be it. 

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2414

kdsmom,

Your post could have been written by me or my wife. We are in a similar situation with our daughter. She is very bright and she seems to get along well with her class mates in the few situations where we can observe her with them. However, she doesn't really have any close friends. At least she never invites anyone over and no one invites her over. This doesn't seem to bother her but I'm not sure she would let me know if it DID bother her. Has your situation changed? Was it just a phase? I'm at a loss for what to do and I thought you might have some advice now that it's been a year since your last post.

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5762

Wow, I am glad to have found this board but there doesn't seem to be much good advice for daughters who have a hard time making friends.

My daughter is more tom-boyish and enjoys hanging out with boys more. She says her "friends" are "jerks" and she doesn't like their "games."

I told her it's still important to have some female friends but she seems frustrated with other females her age.

She prefers skateboarding over team sports and more loner type activities. She is bright, pretty, and can be quite funny.

Any advice?

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6241

Her self esteem may be low right now I am guessing. I would guess the best thing for her to do is to join structured groups who do things that interest her.

Teenage girls can be very cruel -- but there are nice girls. It's just that too many of them have given up on finding friends who are "nice." They're out there-- it's just a matter of finding them.

Any professionals out there with some advice for all of us worried about our daughters????

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6242

I don't think a summer camp is always the best as they go back to their lives and usually don't live near eachother. Sure they can keep in touch but they need local friends they can see more often.

I think finding LOCAL interests is better.

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6243

Sign her up for an activity (sports, community service, etc.). Even if she has no desire to, make her go. My suggestion is your local church, but that is my opinion. Kids are more friendly than we give them credit.

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6332

kdsmom- some parts sounded like me when I was young.I was rather quite shy and sometimes it was always hard for me to talk to people and make friends. But, the only way to do it was to try or else nothing will ever change. I started on a tennis team for the very first time awile ago. I was so nervous but excited at the same time. Talk to her about something she would like to try. I also like going to church.You can meet nice people there and attend the programs they have there.

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6433

I didn't read all the posts here, but in my opinion, socialization comes easier to children that have common interests. I think if you can find that nitch for your child, it can help in the socialization process. If the child is uncomfortable in a certain setting, then how can you expect him to be comfortable around others in that setting? Choose activities that your child likes to do, and does well in. The child will be less focused on his performance and fitting in, and can better relax and enjoy his new friends' company.

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6440

Hi there,

I was so pleased to have found this board. It seems there are lots of parents with the same concerns I have. My daughter also has no friends. She seems to get along with kids ok at school but spends her time out of school alone and in her room most of the time. She goes to church and I recently got her to join a club but there has really been not changes. If someone has advice that would be great. Seems there are a lot of us out there but not anyone to get help from.

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14257

crisscross...I'm in the same situation. Did you get any good advice you might want to share. Thanks Lilwheata

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14258

Some children just prefer to spend time alone. If this does not bother your child and she is not depressed then it just may be her personality. My son was not very social and when I tried to intervene he seemed to just retreat even more. At 17, he made friends with 3 girls in his AP classes. Then after high school 2 young men he worked and went to college with made friends with him and they are still all friends 14 years later. Recently he was discussing that some people at his job have tried to be friends with him. He stated that he does not need any more friends, he has his wife, me, his sister and 2 college friends and that is quite enough. If this is bothering you more than your child, then though it may be difficult, leave it alone and let your child be herself.

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14278

Hi, this thread looks quite old so wondering if anyone has any new pearls of wisdom on what they've learned over the last 3 years. My daughter is 12, almost 13. She's cute, funny, sits with a bunch of girls at the lunch table and seems to have no problems there. She just doesn't get together with anyone outside of school. If there's a BIG party, she might get invited but other than that, never gets invited to go out. She might be getting invited and just says no but I don't think so. She had a small group of friends in elementary school that have gone their separate ways and she seems to have no one now. She seems very happy but I just don't understand being in 7th grade and having absolutely no social life. Will this change? Do I leave her alone? The more I push the more she tells me she's fine and that my pushing makes her feel badly.
Thanks for any advice.
Joanie

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21029

Hi,
I found this message board and see your comments from 3 years ago. I'm just wondering how it's turned out. I now have a 12 y/o daughter and she's cute, funny and seems very happy but has absolutely no social life. No one calls her and she doesn't really want to reach out to others. Every once in a while she will call one friend but that friend is moving this summer. When I push it makes her feel badly - otherwise she seems quite happy. How did things turn out for your daughter? I'm hoping well.
Joanie

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21030

My oldest daughter had the same experience as your daughter. I had been her Girl Scout Leader off and on up until that 7th grade year, and she remained involved in Girl Scouts, but didn't really do what we think of as the typical adolescent friend routine. She is just fine. I think we have this perception of how it ought to be, but children and their peers are all so very different. Believe her if she tells you she is OK, if she's eating and sleeping OK and if she is doing OK in school.

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21032

If I may ask, do you live near your family?

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