Antisocial 16yr old - FamilyEducation
Antisocial 16yr old
06/08/2007 at 19:55 PM

I really hope someone can give me some insight on my situation.  I have spoken to family who all say "but she's so sweet"  or "you could have bigger problems w/ her @ this age".  We've also tried counselling on (2) seperate occassions--which my daughter won't say anything in front of me or while I'm not in the session--basically, she wouldn't open up to either counselor--one counselor suggested she was clinically depressed and offered a prescription.  I declined.  Here's the situation--my daughter doesn't seem to be interested in ANYTHING!  Her grades have see-sawed since late elementary school--she was tested for learning disabilities twice--nothing was discovered.  She has friends but makes no efforts to contact them or hang out with them.  If they call her or come see her--she does interact w/ them and seems to enjoy it but it is NEVER something she initiates.  She rarely asks to go to a party, skating, or a movie, etc. to meet friends or hang out w/ friends.  Although, I encourage it and sometimes arrange it.  She seems to have fun when out.  When she's punished for poor grades, I take away her cell phone, iPod, use of home computer, or TV privileges.  She doesn't care!!!  I can have these items for months and she still goes about life as usual.  Her grades will improve but only temporarily.  She does not have any behavioral problems whatsoever--she isn't disrespectful, mouthy or filled w/ attitude at home or in school.  She just seems so non-chalant about EVERYTHING!!! School, grades, boys, friends, life, etc. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? 

Hey witsend,


Welcome to the boards.  Have you figured out why her grades are bad?  Does she not study? Is she not doing homework, missing assignments?  What?


Does she seem depressed to you?  You might want to revisit counseling, sometimes it is hard to find the right fit with a counselor and a kid.  Is she involved in any activities at school?  Clubs anything like that?  I think sometimes getting a kid involved with something will help with that sort of thing.  We have a rule here, you must be involved in some club, we don't care what club it is, but it has to be something.  Our daughter has chosen drama and she loves it, the kids involved in drama at her school are a great group and it gives her a built-in social environment that she has to interact in.  And with drama, you can do acting or crew, you don't just have to be interested in acting.  But, whatever is her interest would be good, she will do activities, meet some new people who share similar interests, etc.


Keep us posted.




Well if she's happy with life the way she is, I wouldn't force her into another way of life. She doesn't have to fit in to some cookie-cutter shape of a teenage girl. Just keep talking to her, and let her know you think she's ok. But you have to believe that first. With grades you may want to talk about her responsibility to make use of what the teachers are teaching her. They put time and effort into trying to help her. It's only fair for her to put a little time and effort into it to. I don't know if that will help. That's something I would try though. 


Thanks Marti and Jothegrill --I study w/ her, check homework, quiz for test--the whole nine---she does miss assignments but not because they're not done--she just doesn't turn them in or doesn't turn them in on time----even though we've taken the time to do them.  I also have a 2nd grader---I spend more time w/ my 16 yr. old---doing homework, checking homework, emailing teachers to find out what her assignments are and the due dates because she won't keep a current agenda.  So, I KNOW she's doing the work---when I spoke w/ her guidance counselor she told me I have done everything short of attending classes for my 16 yr old.  I have escorted her to the tutoring her school offers before and after school--sat outside the door to make sure she stayed for the full tutoring session... She honestly, does not seem unhappy or sad.....she just seems content and totally unconcerned about any and everything going on around her.  Nothing gets a rise out of her and I mean NOTHING! Her attitude is--"well, I passed--what's the big deal?"   Mind you, she doesn't verbalize that but it's conveyed in a non-verbal fashion.   She has been in JROTC since 9th grade initially because I insisted but now I THINK she enjoys it.  She has been on the JROTC atheletic team for the past two years but mid season I always have to pull her off the team because of her grades.  I appreciate you all listening to me gripe and I have seriously been considering counselling again but if she won't talk or open up what's the point?  Do I just continue going hoping one day she'll tell SOMEONE what, if anything, is bothering her?


Keep hoping, witsend. Hang in there. In the end it's her life, and she'll have to be the one to live it. At least she knows you love her, and that you're there to help when she wants it. 


I will Jothegrill--thank you for the encouragement and advice--it's just so frustrating to sit and watch NOTHING transpire


I too have a daughter that fits this very description. She is now 19. A very wise teacher one day asked me to speak to the school about having her tested for Asperger's Syndrome. It was very scary at first. But when I saw how everything fit together, it was a blessing to know how my daughter was coping with life, and how I could help her succeed in life. I now teach at a school for children with Asperger's and High Functioning Autism. If you haven't looked up Asperger's yet, please do so and see if maybe your daughter fits some of the characteristics. I may be totally off, but it's worth a look.

Hope that helps...


Hi There,

When my 18 year old step daughter was like that about 2 years ago, it finally passed.  She was quite the same.  To this date, she is calling her friends, but no interest to boys at all.  She is very quiet, but does open up to me now, but took time.  She once had a lerning disability in grade 7 and 8 and finally made it through all of her college with excellent marks.  Just stick with it, and she will come out of what ever she is going through.  I really think girls at this age are in the middle and just are trying to fit between the girl and the younger woman.

Good luck and keep up communication with her..


I certainly agree with the idea of you checking out Asperger's.  My now 20 year old suffers from depression and has for years; however, no one knew it until we were put the position of having to read her journals from high school.  Depression can be covered up and our daughter did this for more than 4 years.  Our daughter doesn't understand any part of her depression and has refussed counseling, although she did go for a very short time.  Also look back in your family, is there anyone who behaves or has behaved as she does?  This could be a help to you.  Don't assume she will out grow this.  At the very least inform yourself.


Oh my gosh, thank you so much.  I have a 13 almost 14 year old daughter and am having some of the same problems.  She says that she has no friends and when I suggest that she do things to meet new people, she does not want to go.  I have always thought that she is very shy but this is going beyond shy.  If anyone else has been through this I would love any words of wisdom.


Hi Sunshine,

I think the fact that your daughter will talk about not having any friends means she would really like to have some but if she is shy then it's very hard to say 'yes' to joining something to 'make friends'.


I'd suggest you get her to join a club/activity she would enjoy or volunteer somewhere, maybe even together, don't mention it's to make friends, just to enjoy then there is no pressure.


My son was always shy and didn't really join in things when he was a young teen, I was worried about him missing out but he used to say it was just that although he enjoyed being with these guys for a while, he didn't really have much in common with them.

When he began college the others on his course had much more in common with him and though he is still a quiet, young man he is very happy and content.

What more can I ask for?



Mum of 3



You described my daughter to a T! That is until this year, she just graduated from Gr 12 and has a great group of friends that she will email, and get together with them, she still only has a selct few that she will call on the phone. We found out in Gr 8/9 that she was suffering from extreme anxiety which would lead to a slight depression..not just about school, but about a lot of things. With some counselling, and a wonderful program at school, she has been able to overcome a lot of her anxiety. We are now dealing with the task of finding a job for her, another hurdle to overcome, but I am confident she will be fine! I just wanted to share my story in hopes it may help. Have you taken your daughter to your family doctor? There could be a medical issue, just something to think about.

Best of luck and my only advice is to be patient. Maybe she just likes being at home with her family!




I have a very similar situation with my son.  In fact that is why I came to the boards.  The social aspect fits exactly, however he gets really good grades and does so with ease.  I worry about him not doing anything socially with friends, and now his best friend is moving.  So, I guess I'm not alone, but I wish I had a solution for you.


Hi I just read all about your situation with your daughter. I am a mother of  two with asperger's syndrome. I have also  been recently diagnosed with the disorder/syndrome.Alot of "aspie's" seem to be very cold individuals and very much to themselves. I've found that alot of times they also have great hidden talents. I would have your daughter evaluated and if not continue what you have been doing for her. Sounds like you are on par as a mom so keep up the good work! I also have been going through much the same with my teen and he doesn't want and has not gone to school half this year! Through a private evaluation we found out he has an IQ of 126! He is now being placed at Gersch Academy for Asperger's. I hope this info is helpful. Feel free to ask questions and I will be more than happy to help.



My grandaughter is 6, she is 3 months older than my daughter. I have watched them over the years and there is definetly something different about her. She gets upset really easily to the point of screaming and kicking sometimes and seems to slobber alot when she does. When you try to talk to her she seems to be in her own world, sometimes she will answer you when you ask a question, but she usually talks about something you didn't even ask about. Pretty much the same things, like my mommy, or my daddy, my party. It's like she doesn't understand what you are asking. Alot of times she just ignores you and what you are saying to her. She runs in circles in the house everyday. She will smile and talk to herself and just run. She has a speech problem and it is sometimes hard to understand her words, she speaks in broken sentences. She loves other children, but they usually don't want to play with her, because she cries all the time. She is in first grade and does well on spelling tests and reads well. A speech therapist at school said she was dyslexic and had language and sensory issues. There has to be more than that going on with her. Her mother and my son are not married. Her mother gets offensive if he says anything to her about having my granddaughter examined by a professional. Do these symptoms sound like anything familiar to anyone. I am really concerned and have my hands tied. Please help.