15yr daughter and oral sex - FamilyEducation
15yr daughter and oral sex
03/09/2010 at 09:40 AM

I need advice. I have a beautiful 15yr old daughter that looks to be 21. She is an awesome athlete, straight A's student,all around great kid - until she encounterd the boyfried from hell. This is her first boyfriend other than middle school crushes. We don't encourage this but told her she can date him from our home. No car dates, no unsupervised events. He has been around for the last 4 months. They spend time in our game room, sometimes with our other kids around sometimes alone. Parents home at all times and we do check-in on them. Recently I found a note and text about my daughter telling her friend that she gave him a BJ in our gameroom while we were home. Needless to say we are devestated. I confronted her with this info and she denied it all together. After she found that I had proof (note and text)she changed her story and said that she made it up because she was tired of being teased by other boys about being a goody girl and not doing anything with guys. I dont beleive her because she was untruthful from the start. What do I do now?? I know if I forbid her to see him they will go underground. Any suggestions? We talked with the boyfried last night and wanted to hear his side of the story. But he to said that they didn't do it. I don't know what to beleive but I cant take the chance of ignoring it because oral sex progresses to sex and she is only 15 and nobody expects to get pregnant it can happen to anyone. HELP

Don't ignore it. This is what you need to do from a practical standpoint: schedule an appointment for your daughter with a GYN. She may feel more comfortable talking with a nurse or doctor about sex than she does with her parents. I'd also advise her to take birth control pills. When taken properly they are pretty effective. Avoiding pregnancy and STDs is a major concern- take care of that first. Now, from an emotional standpoint, try to have an honest conversation with your daughter about boys and sex. Based on your post, I think it is more or less inevitable that your daughter will have sex soon, if she hasn't already. I wouldn't make her feel ashamed about her sexual activity... but just try to have a conversation about it. Explain that sexual activity has lots of consequences, emotionally and otherwise, and that 15 year-olds are not ready for this type of responsibility and could end up regretting decisions made in the heat of the moment. You could also ask her what she feels she is getting out of being this intimate with her boyfriend... in other words, why did she want to give him a "BJ"? If it was just curiosity, make sure she knows just b/c she has done a certain thing with a boy once, doesn't mean she has to do it again. Explain that curiosity is normal but sexual activity should be mutually fulfilling, and between adults who trust each other and are committed to each other (or whatever your views on sexual relationships happen to be). In the best case scenario, a good convo and a trip to the gyno could give your daughter pause. But,if kids are hell-bent on having sex (or seeing each other), I don't think there is much parents can do to put a total stop to it. I think that no matter what you do, they will find a way. But, this doesn't mean you have to make it easy, or provide opportunities for them. I'd suggest not allowing them to close the gameroom door for starters, and also popping in on them more. Good luck to you.
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18715

Thank you for your advice. I really needed to hear exactly what you are saying. You must have had experience dealing with teens. I wish now, that I would have been more calm when dealing with the situation. I reacted with my heart instead of my head. We don't want to beleive that it happened, but now we have to keep her safe. We told them (daughter and BF) that we know we can't keep them from seeing eachother but when he comes to our home he must stay within eyesight. No gameroom no doors closed he stayed last night for a while but seemed very uncomfortable. I know its a lose - lose situation for my daughter and that she will blame me for whatever happends. Oh my, isn't parenting FUN. Thanks again
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It's just possible that both of them are telling the truth. I think I would tell my daughter that since she lied--either to me or to her friends--that was proof that she was too young to have a "dating" relationship. I'm not surprised that the boy is uncomfortable. My concern is, if she was just showing off for her friends, that now she will think she might as well be hung for a sheep as hung for a lamb and go ahead and do it. Close supervision, 24/7. Tell the counselor at school you need to know immediately if she is missing class, hire an adult baby sitter for the next three weeks to supervise time when she's home and you are at work, or shorten your work day. You aren't helpless to prevent her from seeing the boy, but it might cost you some $ and some effort.
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18717

Good advice from both previous posters. Also, request the health care professional to have a frank discussion with your daughter about STD's and the fact that one can get STD's from oral sex. My daughter, now 26, has thanked me many times for providing the close supervision that did not allow her to be in situations that could have led to any sexual activity when she was in high school. At 19 she had sex, which she regretted and made the decision to wait until marriage. Parenting teens can be difficult and you must make sure you do what you have to do to keep your daughter safe whether those decisions are popular with her or not.
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18721

Thanks for your advice, it really does help to have others opinion on this situation. Boyfriend still wants to come over and is in agreement with the new rules. (for now anyway) It is difficult for me to welcome him back into our home, but I will do my best. He has been very quite and the only thing he has said is that he cares for my daughter and would never do anything to hurt her. I guess time will tell. In their minds they think this relationship will be forever! At 17 and 15 they have so much to learn, its just so hard to get them to think like an adult when they are just kids. Wish me luck and thanks again.
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18730

If you believe your daughter had oral sex with this boy it is ridiculous for you to welcome him into your home.
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18759

Don't you think that if I forbid the relationship that they will just take it underground? Then I won't be able to know anything that is going on. I wish I had the power to end the relationship now. I can make it difficult for them, while trying to help her understand the complications of her actions. Because, she is going to encounter this situation again in her life and she needs to know how to handle future relationships. They are not BAD kids they are just products of our X-RATED society. Sex is everywhere.... Do you watch Television or listen to music? I wish things were different, we can't raise our kids in a bubble. Does anyone else have any better suggestions???
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18764

As corny as it sounds, do what you feel is right in your heart. Kids are going to experiment sexually. Fifteen is young, yes. Is your daughter's behavior rare for someone her age? Probably not. That might be unfortunate, and it doesn't mean it is right, but that's the way it is. If they're not bad kids, I don't see why you would have to forbid them from seeing each other as long as you keep the doors open, keep them supervised. It would be great for you and your daughter to talk about sex, boys, and just life in general as much, and as honestly, as possible. All anyone can do is try to instill a sense of responsibility and confidence in their kids- equip them with the tools they need to make good decisions-- in the teen years and beyond.
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18767

Thank you Sister83, I was feeling so bad about others opinion on how I am doing with this situation. Believe me I wish their were guidelines or a handbook on what to do with lifes unexpected events. I have been praying alot and trying to follow my heart. Every kid and every situation is different and we all want the very best for our kids. Thankyou for not judging my decision to let the BF back into our home. Sadly, most of our conversations about the BF or the situation end with a raised voice and raised emotions. But I am trying....
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18769

Call your local health department and ask if there are parent training courses. There are handbooks. Good luck
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18786

When I was younger I was in your daughters position, good grades, and sometimes teased by friends who think it is cool to compromise themselves sexually. Based on what you have written even though your daughter first denied the Oral Sex I think she may be telling you the truth when she said she made it up. She sounds like a good kid and during these difficult teenage years she needs to feel that Mom is on her side. Accusing her of lying if she has told you the truth is not helping to build your relationship with her. Keep monitoring her but let time pass to see if she has truly gone to the darkside or is simply experiencing some growing pains!
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18804

Well I think that she might be telling the truth, I mean if you're saying that she had straight A's, she's an awesome athlete, and an all around good kid then I understand why she would want to lie about it. I actually have a few friends like you're daughter. Maybe she has low self esteem. Just talk with her. If she did actually do this then theirs nothing you can do about it now except talk with her. She will most likely do it again with someone else behind your back if you don't just let her have her freedom, but remember she's still a child their are some things she shouldn't be aloud to do. Though she will probably break a few rules here and their. she's a teenager, and that's what teens do, break rules. Hopefully she was just trying to look cool but she should know that this wont help her rep, it will probably make it worse and most guys are going to be disrespectful towards her now. Just talk to her, its all you can do. At this point punishing her wont do anything. Let her know you are their for her. BTW; I'm 15.
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I just want to tell you my story. I have a 26-year-old daughter who I had almost the same situation with when she was 15. We had allowed her to date a boy down the street who was her age. Back then there was no texting but I found a note he had written her about it and did pretty much the same thing you did. Then we went out of town and I allowed her to stay behind to do a church function, which was a weekend thing. I got a call from his mom saying she had caught them together. It was the middle of the night and he had snuck into her room. They weren't having sex and they never fessed up, but she thinks they might have or were going to. At that point we made them break up. Yes, they still snuck around, and we all knew it, but it was nto easy for them and they eventually got tired of the sneaking around and broke up for good. She has never done anything but thank me for that. She has never blamed me that I made her and her "true love" break up. You just need to do what God is leading you to do. I don't believe like some of these other moms that say "it's just going to happen anyway, so just give in" type thinking. I think that's what's wrong with our world today. Parents just give up and give in. Kids can mess up their lives and future by getting pregnant at an early age and the sexual experience can emotionally scar them, in my opinion. Your job as a mother is to protect her, even if it's just against herself. If the boy is uncomfortable coming to your house and being in front of you, he is feeling guilty. Let him feel that way. If he gets tired of it and breaks up, then he wasn't with her for the right reasons anyway. she's only 15. Believe me, there are many other boys she will meet later on down the road that will care for her in the right way and won't want to disappoint her parents.
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18870

Thank you for your story, it really helps to hear from others who have been their. I pray daily that all will work out. My daughter has so much potential to excel in life, I just wish I could get her to realize it. The boyfriend was over last night for an hour, they just talked and watched TV. (Supervised) He seems to be making an effort to interact with our family more but I know as the weather gets nice they will be wanting to get out of the house. Thats when our problems will start. We told them dont make plans to leave this house. I am hoping that he well get tired of the waiting game, but trust me I will outlast him!! He is going away with his family for Easter break,(THANK GOD) I pray that he meets someone or comes back with a different attitude towards her.Wish us Luck
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18871

Your situation and family sound very much like ours. I have an almost 16 year old daughter who has a 17 year old BF now for the past six months. Your rules and the "game room" thing are similar to ours. The media room in our house is a neutral location for entertaining friends and there are no closed doors and no boys allowed in bedrooms or anything like that in our home. A parent is also always at home or no visits from the BF are allowed. Thankfully, the BF and his family operate the same way and I feel relieved that our families understand how things need to be. When my daughter started becoming interested in boys and the hormones kicked in, I had a very frank and candid discussion with her, face-to-face, and left no details out. I explained to her what things were like when I was her age and what me and my friends were doing. Some of us were experimenting with sex. I laid it all out there. I told her the facts and the worries, and the complications of being overly sexual at any age. It was not only a conversation of physical health and safety, but what being sexual does to you on an emotional level....and THAT is what got to her the most!!! I explained what it felt like to be young and doing crazy things like BJ's, sex games, and the like and then having feelings that you thought were love followed by being dumped and alone with all that you had done. You can never take it back. If you go there....you cannot reverse the the fact that you have changed yourself forever. I was amazed at the impact that the emotional side of my conversation made on her. She identified with that and I believe it also scared her enough to think about how being in a huge position of vulnerability and emotional angst at such a young at is just not worth it. And that is where being sexual will get you in the end.....enveloped in emotions. I told her to save the drama, the heartache, the emotional wreckage for when she is older and wiser to take it on. I made an emotional connection with my daughter, from telling her my own life experiences and mistakes. She was more than willing to listen and in the end, it made a huge impact on her. I became more "human" in her eyes instead of a mother who is obviously always worried about sex, drugs, drinking, and the like. My rules of the house will always apply and that's not going to change. I also talked to my daughter about respecting one's "domain". This is my home and she is a tenant of it. I expect her to respect the home that my husband and I created for her and it is not a brothel, a pimp lounge, or Studio 54. I tell all my kids this and I tell them that I will not tolerate behavior in my own house that would be disrespectful or shocking to me if I happened to wander up on it. In a nutshell, if you wouldn't want your actions broadcasted on the six o'clock news, then don't do it, because if you get caught, there will be hell to pay and I will broadcast the news to the other parents as well! I'm not saying that teens don't find ways of slinking around and smoking, drinking, having sex, and stuff elsewhere.....but I don't want it happening in my house with me sitting in another room while it's going on. If I thought or knew that a BJ went on in a room of my house and while I was home....that would be the end of the privacy for those teens and also a call to the BF parents to let them know that I am not running the Pleasure Palace over here. It's a two-way street and it takes two to tango....the BF parents would be called! I think you have a nice set-up going in which you have allowed your daughter freedom and a private space. She took advantage of this if she indeed was engaging in sexual acts in your game room while you were home. Pretty daring if you ask me....and disrespectful. Now the fallout and consequences begin and also the emotional awkwardness that I discussed before. Now things are complicated and weird. Hopefully, that "weirdness" is probably going to be the catalyst for your daughter and her BF to eventually call it quits. It usually is. Boys don't like complications and awkward situations at this age. I hope she doesn't get her heart broken but in this case, and for you as a parent, it may be the best thing. Talk to your daughter on a more emotional level. Remind her of the physical consequences of sex but really hone in on the emotional issues and do it BIG! I find that teens not only relate to this better, but they identify with that immediately. Not every teen is pregnant, has herpes, gets an AIDS scare or turns up with genital warts.....but they ALL get ridiculed, pressured, ostracized, challenged, dared, and criticized every day of their teenage lives. They can relate to sex and it's complications in this way. It has worked twice over in my house and has also made my teens open up to me and come to me when they feel they are being "forced" or pressured to do things that they know I may not like. I take a deep breath, channel my inner 15 year old, and give them the best advice I can to get them to do what I need and want them to do. You do the best you can. You sound like a capable and realistic parent.....she made a mistake or at best, told a huge sexual lie. Re-group and have an emotional talk. You can't take back what she may have already done, but you can certainly make her face the music and explain to her how she just complicated her life and everyone else's. I would also say that if this were my daughter, she would be on birth control whether she liked it or not. A precaution worth taking and worth overseeing. I've told my own teens the same thing.....if I suspect you are having sex, we WILL talk about this and you WILL get proper medical care, including birth control. No ifs ands or buts! You can do this 3Mmom. Just hang in there and continue being the good mother that you already are.
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19170

First off stop draging this on. Be thankful that (if she did do it) she did it with a boy she obviously really really likes. They probably say they love eachother. Cant you be happy for them for maybe a minute? im sure your daughter has as much potential as all the other daughters these moms write about. but your squashing it. Be thankful that your daughter isnt pregnat,smoking,drinking, or vadalizing something. im sure you are a christain women, thank God for having her. she is a blessing in your life, i can tell your not looking at her like that. Stop calling him the boyfriend form hell im sure hes not that bad. obviously he likes her a lot and truely values her if all this happened and hes still comming around, braving the akward moments and dirty looks im sure your giving him.he doesnt just want in her pants.and she wont get pregnat dont worry im sure you scared all the sperm out of the poor boy. just because your a mom and can chose things for your children doesnt mean you have to control them or make them feel bad about themselves. if you dont let them go a little they will never be happy. sometimes we try so hard to keep our families together we force them apart.let her go a little bit and im sure she will come back. with three kids graduated i know how it works.it may take time.be patient.i have more to say but i feel ive said to much already.. i hope you take my advice. remember everytime you see her she is a wonderful gift from God sent to you to help you and make you a better person and you love her with all your heart.
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19308

For being fifteen your very insightful and probably have givin the best advice ive read so far.
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19309

I`m wishing you the BEST of luck with that!! I would give you some advice but my baby girl is only 2-years-old. So I`m gonna save that drama for the teen years!!! But There is one thing you could try!! TRY TALKING TO HER, TRY TO GET HER TO OPEN UP TO YOU!!! Tell me how that works out for you!! BEST WISHES AND I`M SENDING YOU THE BEST OF LUCK!!!
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22143

Don't be fooled by this tramp I am sure she is no angel. Girls today tease the hell out of boys and they are constantly looking for sex. My suggestion if you want her to leave him is set up a situation where she catches you giving him a BJ. Since your motivation is for her to break up with him it isn't like your cheating. In fact dont be surprised if she sneeks into the boys showers, another trick they play. Good luck
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22149

you mentioned earlier about your fear of your daughter taking the relationship "underground". Based on what I have read that is exactly what I would expect to happen. Contrary to most of the posts I have seen so far is there is another way to handle the situation as I am sure you are aware. More than likely (90%) what was mentioned in the note did actually happen, and your daughter and boyfriend are just lying about it now. This does not make your daughter or boyfriend a bad person, they are young and most likely curious about sex. It is my opinion the worst tragedy that occurred in this event is now your daughter can no longer talk to you about sex, and worse, this relationship as well as future relationships. Kids at this age have many questions about there relationships with the opposite gender, if you have an open line of communication with your child they will ask your advice and opinion about there relationship. It gives you an opportunity to share your opinions and values with your child about what makes a good vs a bad relationship (as well as what you feel is appropriate). It allows you to use these relationships to help make this a great learning experience for your child, so that they may learn to find good relationships and know when to get out of the bad ones. My fear is that your tighter controls over your daughter will close the door of communication at a time when she most likely needs you the most. Good Luck !!
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22644

There are many useful self-help articles online about Parenting teens. Indulge yourself reading articles like this. Self-help from www.selfhelpmagazine.com. Psychology and self help since 1994.
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22852

At this age children are trying to form their own identity, which very often clash with the value system you taught them. You are not a bad parent, this is your daughter's choice and she is not a bad kid. What you can do is guide her, explaining the dangers of unprotected sex. Have the talk about the emotional roller-coaster of relationships, when we make a decision to sharing ourself physically with another person there are emotional and physical consequences. At 15 this can have devastating outcomes. Be firm, supportive and love her though this difficult time. If you stay firm, she will thank you later. I know, what I am talking about, I gave my mother the same grief. I am so grateful she never gave up on me.
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