15yo daughter, enough said.... - FamilyEducation
15yo daughter, enough said....
06/12/2008 at 21:30 PM

Well, where do I start...I have a 15 year old daughter. Our rule is that she may not have a boyfriend until she is at least 16 or can show the maturity to have a boyfriend. Earlier in the year she was interested in a boy and decided to kiss him. My wife and I found this out because we tricked her into telling us. She was grounded for a while and she was able to get herself back on track. She has since lost interest in the boy, but found another that she is interested in. She has told us that she explained to the boy she is not allowed to have a boyfriend. For the last day of school she went to a dance. I expected her to dance with the boy and have a good time. But, after reading her journal (I know, but how else will I find out the truth?) it turns out she was "hump" dancing with tow other boys and french kissed this new boy. I am at a lose of what to do. I am sick to my stomach that I can't trust her to follow this rule. What will happen when she can have a boyfriend? Will she have pre-marital sex, will she end up with an STD, will she end up pregnant? Any advice? Please help....

More supervision! My 24 y/o daughter has thanked me many times for not allowing her to date unsupervised or have a boyfriend until she was 18. She took a purity class at church at 17 (it was for ages 15 and up), took it seriously and also did not want to be viewed as a "floozy" in our community. What has changed in the past 5-10 years is that it is now so much a part of the mainstream media and teen life in general to behave in the way you describe. My daughter is friends with some teens she used to babysit and says she is amazed they have so little self respect. You need to do what you can to raise her self esteem and self awareness. She needs to be helped to realize that someday being able to look herself in the mirror and knowing that she was the best person she could be is worth more that fitting in or any desire to experiment at this young age. A good therapist, school personel, your church youth pastor, local health organizations and all possible resources.

Hey teisco You said in your post that she is not allowed to have a boyfriend---have you also discussed no kissing and that you do not approve of certain types of dancing? I have a daughter who is about to turn 16 and she is not allowed to car date at least until she turns 16 and even then she knows that it will be taken on a case by case basis. However, I have not prevented her from having a boyfriend---I think having a boyfriend helps them gain the maturity they need to handle the situations they will be possibly put in---but with the security of supervision. My daughter, her best friend and my daughter's boyfriend all spent the day at my house today--my husband or I one were here the whole time they were here. They played monopoly, they watched a Disney movie, they played other games, they just hung out in a safe environment. It works, they make better choices when they are actually allowed to make some choices. The second big issue is trust and I think you are missing something here. You don't trust your daughter to make the right decisions and she can't trust you not to go through her things and cross the boundaries of her privacy. Your daughter is a young woman, she is 15 and it sounds like she will soon be 16. Even if you never let her have a boyfriend, that doesn't mean she won't get pregnant or have an STD or any of that. But on the flip side, just because you let her have a boyfriend doesn't mean that she will do any of that. Teenagers have a way of doing what they want to do and when you make something so forbidden, most of the time it just makes them want it more. I would sit down with my daughter and talk about my concerns in an honest open way and hope that she can tell you how she is feeling about it too and perhaps you can come up with a plan that you both can live with and that would help rebuild trust. (I don't think you should be reading your daughter' private diary---even under the thought of how else am I going to find out) Marti http://www.familyeducation.com/home/

To answer your question, yes. We have had multiple conversations about not kissing and not danicing that way. Your next point. I have considered the path you have chosen, letting your daughter have a boyfriend to prepare, but I feel with her that she can not make appropriate choices. If she can not make simple appropriate choices then having a boyfriend will lead to further behavior that we do not approve of. You may have your child and her boyfriend at your house, but what are they doing at school? Like you said, if they want to do it they will. If I let her have a boyfriend then that may lead to more and more. We know that once boys have a lead in, they will want more. Anyway, letting her have a boyfriend now can lead to path we don't want her going down yet. She is more than welcome to have friends over, boys and girls. Finally, I have had heart to heart talks with her. I have poored my heart out to her and I thought we had trust built. I was considering letting her have more freedom, but then the trust is broken when she breaks the rules. How can trust be built when rules are constantly broken?

Thank you for the comments. I had a talk with her tonight, she doesn't know I read her journal, and I restated the rules and expectations. I also included the realization I came to after reading your comment on self-respect and self-esteem. I used that as a catalyst to discuss why she can't have a boyfriend yet. I told her that she needs to show maturity and internal strength in proper descision making before she can have a boyfriend. Thank you.