15 year old daughter seems so cold and unfeeling - FamilyEducation
15 year old daughter seems so cold and unfeeling
11/16/2009 at 23:19 PM

I would appreciate all the help I could get on this issue.

I have a 15 year old daughter who I feel is very cold an unfeeling towards others. She currently has been in a relationship with a almost 17 year old boy for just over 5 months. Today she has decided that she doesn't know how she feels about him anymore and seems to think that it's okay that she just ignores him and lets him think everything is okay.

I know I sound like an interfering mother and have gotten quite attached to this kid as he has been included in our family pretty much since the day he came on the scene. He comes from a single parent home and has a mom that really doesnt care much about what he does. He also has an identical twin brother who he does not get along with because his mother favours the other boy. I feel sorry for him because I grew up in a similar situation and I know how hard it is when you don't have much and you also don't have parents who care and support you. I almost feel like I have taken on the surrogate mother role to try and give him a better life which I know may be wrong.

I just cannot comprehend how she can treat someone like this. This young man is very respectful of her, worships the ground she walks on and will be devastated if she breaks up with him. She was away at camp in the summer and this young man waited for the two months for her to come out and would do anything for her. He has never attempted to take advantage of her and I know this for certain. She is not sexually active and has no desire to be as she says she is just not ready for that and I truly believe her.

She just seems to get tired of people and relationships very quickly and doesnt seem to care how others feel. I'm not asking that she marry this poor kid just cut him a break and try to be more understanding of others feelings.

She is very busy with school, cadets, work and now has undertaken a lead role in a school play which consumes every minute of every day. She does well in school but music and art are all she thinks about. She is also very spoiled and wants for nothing which makes her not respect the things that she has and is very irresponsible with her belongings as she knows if something gets lost or broken, it is going to be replaced.

I never seem to follow through on anything I say to her because I hate having to say no to either of my children. (I also have an 8 year old daughter)

I support everything she does 150% but just can't seem to shake how she treats other people.

I know I need to cut the cord but I have such a hard time letting her be responsible for her own actions. I feel like I always bail her out and am constantly covering up for her whether it be with her homework or her life in general. I just don't want to see her fail. I know that's a part of growing up but it's a rough part.

I am reading this back over and I think the main problem is me!!

Is it wrong to only want the best for my children and how do I go about staying out of her business and letting her live her life on her own?

Thank you for your comments. Any help would be appreciated.

The above advice is good. My daughter was similar to yours at that age. I became attached to her first crush and his family and since he was a great kid, encouraged her to continue the relationship. A year after he moved on, when she met another guy I did not like at all, she reminded me of all the talks we had about her being considerate of other's feeling. Sometimes as a parent you just have to back off and let your child make her own mistakes. This young man is probably the first of many. Just hope she continues to choose young men who treat her well and you like as much.

I don't know if this is ok but I would like to swap emails with you..I also have a 15 yr old and I was and am going through your situation...I have backed off a bit though..I am learning that she is gonna mess up even if I am there to fix things and she is unhappy weather I cater her every need or if I dont..I am learnig not to get my feelings hurt by everything she says..and you can manipulate teens into doing what you think is best by just making suggestions.instead of showing disappointment and spitting out demands..wow if I could only take my own advice..it sounds easy but I have a hard time thinking out exactly what to say and how to say it until I read some advice like I am giving you..This may not have helped much but I have decided to give her more freedom and let her get into trouble and deal with it instead of being there before it happens...they do not learn consiquences and they feel invinsible like they can't get into trouble!!! It is the kids that have been caught that think twice before they do it again..and her camera she has been through 3 of them,,, I bought the first one SHE BOUGHT the 2nd and I bought the third and now she is without a camera again until she buys herself one..ok I will stop I could so go on and on...jst seems we would have alot in common..

Happy New Year..and I promise it will be...when your daughter is 19 or 20...sorry..I would think having six kids..eldest a daughter age 38..daughter age 34..son age 29..son age 27..daughter age 23..and our baby a daughter age 15....I would have learned..not so much!!!Teenage girls are just nasty..emotional..withdrawn..angry..sweet..funny..talkative..and just TEENAGERS!!! I wish I could offer pearls of wisdom..but unfortunately I can only offer up my experiences. The main lesson I have learned in my 39 years of parenting is..kids need PARENTS...they have plenty of friends. So many parents want to befriend their most unlovable teens and it just doesn't work. We, my husband and I, just try to be that sounding board..and the bad guys too..so she yells at us..ok..slams a door..not a problem. BUT..we are always still here and she knows it. Just be there..she needs you and it sounds like you are certainly there..keep on keeping on..it does get better..PROMISE.