Obsessed with monitoring 15 yr old daughters realtionship - FamilyEducation
Obsessed with monitoring 15 yr old daughters realtionship
12/02/2010 at 11:58 AM

I seem to be obsessed with my 15yr old daughter's relationship--just as others are with their daughter's as I have read on here.
This is her 1st "real" boyfriend and I really like him. He is perfect for her. She didnt even know who he was at school...he saw her and then just chased after her. After time talking to him, she realized she liked him and now they are together.
He is very affectionate and complimentary to her etc..he even tells her he thinks he is falling in love with her. They have been together a month or so.
He was so into txtg her and talking to her constantly in the beginning. During school and at night. Now he seems like he doesnt want to as much. She worries about it and gets upset which in turn gets me upset.
I get crazy about it and I check the phone log to see if he has contacted her or not daily. IT drives me insane. I check his FBook thru her FBook as well.
I feel stupid..but I dont want my daughter taken advantage of :/
I guess Im just so afraid of him hurting her and I try to advise her on what to do to keep him and not let him run over her at the same time. She gets mad at me at times. I dont want to impose my views on what I think is happening in their relatioship. I want her and I want her to handle it herself...but its so hard to stand by and not say anything.
I just dont understand why he would be so overly attentive with the txtg/calling and then just back off so much??? Its confusing to her and to me. I dont know much about teen boys and how they do so maybe thats why I dont understand.
It doesnt help that I really like him alot and that I would be really upset myself if they broke up--as I know my daughter would truly be too.
Whats wrong with me and why do I care so much..I know others will like her and she will have more boyfriends. I dont doubt that she is a beautiful girl inside and out.
I just want her to be with him. I just feel he is a perfect fit for her and I approve so much of him being her boyfriend.
What should I do from this point? How can I be the mom she needs me to be and still help her with her realtionship if I cant stop obsessing on their realtionship? She talks to me about openly now and I dont want that to stop.
I just want him to be everything he seemed to be I guess..and I truly think he is. I just think he isnt mature enough yet to understand how to be in a realtionship.
How do I help my daughter understand that without driving myself crazy and her???

Your daughter is 15. This is the first of many relationships. Seek therapy.

I realise that you love your daughter very much but you have to stop this. You need to give her room to grow and she needs to learn about how relationships work or don't work. Don't try to control this. She is only 15 and how many of us meet our perfect soul mate at this age. She needs to grow up a little and have fun being a young adult before thinking of settling for one person.

this is a slippery slope

i am going through the exact same thing. I don't know how to stop, every boyfriend that my 14 yr old gets i will say negative things at first than when they break up i want them back together. this is really embarassing. i read the texts to see if he texts her he seemed to really like her but since she dumped him he hasnt even tried to contact her and she doesnt want him to either. she found out he smokes pot his gpa is 1.5 he is repeating 10th grade english for the 2nd time and failed he is 17 in the

^^ contiune from above he is 17 in the 11th grade held back in 1st. she says she hates him and wants nothing to do with him because he lied about the pot smoking and was late all the time and never took her anywhere nice in the 3 mo she knew him. it is almost like i want him to try to get back with her and he hasnt even tried to contact her at all and she could care less but why do i this is consuming me im ready to fb message him to try to make them friends she said if i do that she will hate me forever she wants nothing to do with him what is wrong with me who would want a kid like that even talking to their daughter?

14 year olds are less likely to become teenage parents if they don't date. There is a kind of break-point at age 16. Kids who start dating after age 16 are significantly less likely to become teenage parents. It's something about brain development.

Get yourself a notebook and write down the things that YOU think might lead you to have these feelings. It could be that your experiences at age 14 have something to do with this, or your experiences with guys in general, or other experiences in the past. Or, it could be concern for her future. Just be glad that SHE isn't willing to settle for a lying, drug-using underachiever.

^^ thank you i know my voice of reason says this that she has so much respect for herself that she doesnt want that. Yes it could have something to do with my experciences as well. I need to figure out how to stop obsessing over it. it's like im upset because he isnt trying to come after her at all he just moved on when he told her how much he really liked her but i guess his actions said otherwise.

For me there is something very helpful about writing down things. It's almost like I'm holding stuff in my brain, and when I write it down I don't have to hold onto it anymore. For me, handwriting on paper works better than putting it on the computer. Don't know why.

ya that used to help me along time ago but not so much anymore. idk i am just trying to figure out why i has to be connected somehow to my having no real interests in my life, or possibly me trying to live through her in some strange way even though i dont want to do that, its almost as if i have to control everything. it sucks

Do you have other children, a job, other family, or friends you hang out with?

Be very careful of what your behavior may be teaching your daughter about relationships. People can and will disappoint us, hearts get broken, what I suggest is letting her know that you will be there if that should happen.We would like as parents to protect our kids from the pains of life, we cannot. Finally examine why you are so obsess about this relationship. Does it resurface some pain for you?