new partner wants me to quite having contact with former partner - FamilyEducation
new partner wants me to quite having contact with former partner
09/16/2010 at 13:35 PM

Hi you all

I have a serious problem which accompanies me for almost 10 monts. 2 1/2 Jahren years ago, I met a woman from Canada, during my 6 months sabbatical here in Canada. I'm living in Europe.

Shortly before my sabbatical, my then partner and I decided to split up. We both still have contact every now and then and we respect each other, also because she has a daughter of 17 years and her daughter Sibille means a lot to me. She's not my biological daughter though, I met my former partner when her daugther was 4 years old.

On holidays like Christmas or easter, my expartner and her daugther usually invite me over for lunch and then we chat a little bit alltogether.

Now with my new partner from Canada, I actually want to invite her to my country in Europe. So far, it was always me coming over to Canada.

The problem I'm facing is, that my new partner has a very strong aversion against my expartner and my rare contacts to her in general. To be clear, I don't visit them a lot. That's probably every two months or on holidays like easter and christmas. In rare cases, I do repair their computer, as they don't have a lot of computer knowledge.

Meanwhile, my new partner from Canada hates my ex-partnerin as she expressed, even though she has never seen her and never talked to her. All because she knows that I still have some contact with my former partner. On one hand, I can understand my new partner, as she was never in my country yet and it's probably very difficult to trust from a long distance.

My new partner wants me to completely blank out my former partner. Meaning she wants me to completey stay away from the apartement where my former partner and her daughter live. She doesn't want me to go into their apartement anymore. Even phone calls are very difficult for my new partner to accept. If my former partner wants to ask me something regarding her daughter, that wouldn't be possible anymore. I guess it has to do that my new partner can't understand what we are talking about on the phone, if, if my former partner calls me. If I want to call my stepdaughter Sibille, my new partner suggested that I call her on her mobile phone instead of their home line. She is afraid that I would get her mother on the line and talk a little bit with her.

My point is, a daughter has always a mother. And as long Sibille lives with her mother, I can't completely blank out and abandon her mother. That's simply not possible and I don't even want to completely avoid my former partner.

My new partner tells me that it's not about the daugther, that it's about her mother.

I know it wouldn't work trying to maintain contact with her daughter and avoid her mother completely. That's an illusion.

For my expartners daugther Sibille, it's important, even tough she's already 17 years old, to have a contact to another adult like me. She told me that once. As she has lost contact with her biological father. And she really suffered from that, not having contact with her biological father anymore. Therefore, it's even more important for me to take responsability and give Sibille the security she needs, and that involves as well dealing with her mother and my former expartner.

I just want to know, If I'm really dead wrong with my views towards how I maintain contact with my former partner and the way I see it. I know, everybody sees it a little bit different.

Thank you for your help

I'd look for a woman who has a little more confidence in herself and who has a little more faith in you.

Hi, I can completely understand your new partner's point of view. I have noticed that some people are comfortable with their partners remaining friends with ex's, others are not. I'm not sure what causes the differences, but I can tell you this: I love my husband with all my heart, I trust him completely but I do not like to share him and I would not be happy if he was at his ex's house doing favors. In previous relationships, I've dealt with similar situations and it's hard on you both, I know. For your relationship's sake, you need to validate your partner's feelings no matter how much you disagree. Don't brush her off or belittle the way she feels, as this will only worsen her feelings. I see the break up of your former relationship as almost a divorce with children involved. It makes no difference to me that there is no biological connection. If you look at it that way, you've got to reach a happy medium with your new partner so that you can maintain a relationship with the ex-stepdaughter. If your primary concern is the child, minimize contact with the mother. Why not just call the child on her mobile? Tell the mother you can't come fix her computer anymore. She can take her computer to a retail store to get someone to look at it. However, it is unfair for your new partner to ask you to cut off all contact with the mother. You can't avoid her for the rest of your life. Of course, if you do see her or speak to her, it's in everyone's best interest to be friendly. If your concern is your relationship with the mother as well as the child, I would rethink whether you should have ended the relationship years ago. This is a tough situation, but I think it will require you and your partner doing/putting up with some things you don't want to do/put up with. If you start out saying, "I am willing to do xy and z so we can reach a compromise but I'll need you to be more understanding when ab and c happens" you may be able to strike a deal with her. Good luck!