i need advisement for my anger - FamilyEducation
i need advisement for my anger
07/24/2010 at 06:19 AM

I am new to this board or any parenting board but i trully need advice. i am the single parent of my awesome 13 year old son. you know this was my mission in life this child who came to me as the brightest star when the other person(my mother) was dying this horrific cancer death right as me as primary caretaker and i would not have changed a thing.at the time the man i was in love with for my whole life 12 years wanted to put my mom in a nursing home which i could never have thought about doing regardless we fought all the time so i went out got drunk and got pregnant by like the biggest loser on the planet.this babyboy was the greatest love story of my life. this was my baby. the mani was to marry knew that this was not his but wanted me and rob anyhow but as it turned out i did not want someone that could be there for me when i was taking of my mom die. so i did the next best thing i decided to build our life myself. i had seen my friends have guys in and out of thier kids lives and homes and i wanted nothing to do with this. so i really leaned on my sister and my brother in law and god knows it was tricky but i built up a home for just us rob and i . i really had so much to learn and do it was not hard to stay single for the last 13 years and i grateful for our life real love joy and laughter in my home almost everyday. you know no lets me down because u dont miss what u never had. ok my huge issue is i mentioned the only one nite stand for real in my life with someone who uses drugs and seems to be in jail a lot. what happened was his parents. like my mom died i sold the house moved about an hour away near my sister and never looked back. also i never contacted him or ever asked for anything for my sons whole life. i have a great family i am so lucky. but these two grandparents wanted to see my boy so i set a couple christmas and birthday get togethers for these people because i felt it was the right thing to do. they asked me to bring my son on a visit to jail and the grandpa was dying so i did that 1st and last. so glad my son has no recollection of it. anyhow the grandpa died and the visits with his grama were less and varied. that was ok cuz robs always been the star of my show and we have terific holidays with my family. ok so this is my thing rob has probably seen grama almost about every year and i have managed to keep it pleasant enough shes kinda of a downer with a tough life. so i would hear from her whenever set it up not having to deal with it again quick thank god. so she mentions her son to my son then eventually rob wants to met his dad ok. lucky we hit a spot when he was home at gramas with the anklet. ok so i call him and tell him about meeting robbie and he wants too but remeinber he is a drug addict loser who is in his glory cuz i want nothing from him right. all losers and users have a hussle a line so i mention to my one nite stand not to hussle my little boy like just let him see u and no performances are needed i told him not to fill my boy with air but he could not help himself. let me say if he was not a herion addict he may have done well in the movies. like he lied so bad to my son that thry would talk ride motor whatever needless to say my sons been in couseling ever since and all those phne calls he promised never happened. my son thought something was wrong with him. oh god it was awful and rob knows i love him enough for 10 people. ok so here it is on the early am of my sons visit with grama and i have a plan that i feel i need to do because i feel i have a right. i asked her why her loser son would hurt and lie to my son she stated oh thats him. i am not able to accept this so what i did was write a 12 page letter to one nite stand explaining in no uncertain terms that he is evil for doing that to a little kid when i had pre warned him like 4 separate times i also called him and begged to make good on like a phonecall but he could not. he loved putting that on when i think about it i wanna throw up. so i am insisting that the one nite read my letter call me and say he will never lie and hope fully never speak to my son again. if he cant manage this i am filing for childsupport for not only the last 13 years but the next 5. i am not a hateful girl but i cant accept that i cant am i completely terribly wrong to do this. i need acknowledgement from him about what a bad thing it was to lie and hurt my son. i wrote that if he didnt call me in 2 days i will file. i really dont want or need anything from him but its the only way i can make him be responsible. please anyone advise me i feel as though i am mad beyond reason.

From what you have written, it seems unlikely that this man will give you the reply you are looking for. The track record of this man shows that it is probably beyond him to be able to stick to any promise to never lie again. You ask if you are terribly wrong to do this, only you can make that judgement. My opinion is you expecting him to be able to live up to your expectations after his track record is very unrealistic on your part. How important is the child support you are requesting? Have you thought through what may happen once the court system becomes involved? This man could very well get unsupervised visitation with your son. My advice is to calmly THINK through all the possible consequences of your actions. The saying "be careful what you wish for" comes to mind.

This man has been in jail for years. You think getting a big long letter from you is going to make him change for the better when being in jail for years hasn't? If you've alreadly mailed him the letter, mail him another. Tell him that you've realized that he is a liar and a loser and is not likely to change. Don't get the courts involved. Supervise all visitation yourself, if they want to see the boy it's a package deal. Allow just enough visitation that ONS (one night stand) and his ma don't get the courts involved.

You have gotten great advice so far. Before child support can be ordered paternity must first be established. You would have a hard time arguing that he should not be around the child since you have already taken him to see this man. Your twelve page letter will work against you as well. If you have done this for 13 years, whats another 5? If it is established that he is indeed the father, he will automatically have rights to this child. Also, most states will not go back to the birth of the child for child support, so check your state laws regarding past child support. Seeking child support out of spite, especially in this situation, would be akin to shooting yourself in the foot. If you were in a relationship, but had a one night stand, how can you be so sure that the child is from the one night stand?