Welcome to the new Grandparents board - FamilyEducation
Welcome to the new Grandparents board
08/12/2007 at 17:22 PM

Hey All

 

Welcome to the new grandparents board--this is a great place for all the grandparents to talk about whatever issues you want to talk about.

 

Are any of you raising your grandchildren?  There are more grandparents rearing grandchildren than ever before.

 

Do you disagree with your children about how they are rearing your grandchildren?

 

Do you have some bragging to do about your wonderful grandchildren?

 

Come on, let's hear from the grandparents in the group!

 

Marti

It seems as if my daughter has turned into this total stranger, someone I don't even recognize since she's had her two boys. Is she deliberately trying to be the exact opposite of me?

cid
1379

I am a 55 yr. old grandmother raising my youngest son's daughter. My granddaughter's parents are;  Dad, 32 years, Mom, 28 years old! But Mom does have 5 other children, all have different daddies. This is my son's only child, that we know of.   We, being my husband and I,  have had legal guardianship since she was right at 2 years old. We had a year of waiting/court investagation and all before they gave us permanant legal guardianship over her. In that years time her parents popped in and out of her life. Now her birth mother has not seen her going on 3 years and she hasn't even called her since Jan. 2007 (this year)! We'll call my granddaughter "A" ok. "A's" father is the one that normally calls her about every two to three weeks. He saw her a little over a year ago.  "A's" birth parents live in two seperate states, not anywhere near us. We live yet in another state, quite a ways from both of them.  She is diagnosed with RAD, reactive attachment disorder, ODD, oppositional defiant disorder, ADHD, Attention deficiant/hyperactive disorder and PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. My granddaughter did not have the bonding and love that a little baby needs from her birth parents when she was born up to when we got her, therefore the reason for most of her diagnoses. Are there any grandparents raising their grandchildren with any of these diagnosess? There are days I wonder if I'll last to see her grow up due to her terrible behavior. She fights, kicks, screams, calls us names, you name it, she'll do it to us. The doctors tell us that is part of the "bonding" reactive attachment disorder, and ADHD coming out. She loves to "hate" the ones that she loves the most. She is on medications, but nothing seems to work. She does see an attachment therapist and a child psychiatrist monthly. Again, nothing we have done has really helped. If things don't go her way, she makes the entire house rock with her raging. Can anyone offer any kind of suggestions? We really love this little girl and will never give up on her. She does call us mommy and daddy, but she is aware she has birth-parents and siblings she doesn't  get to see. This is not our choice, but her mom's choice. We don't get child support, even though it's ordered because dad is always quiting his job, saying he can't work. Mom feels if "Dad" is the one court appointed to pay child support, then she shouldn't have to pay anything. Hope to hear from someone out there.

cid
1487

I have 3 granddaughters but I lost my son in january and my daughter-in-law wont let us see them. we always had them when my son was alive but she no longer wants anything to do with us. They are 15, 9 and 8 and we are missing them a lot. I don know if this is the right place to chat about them.

cid
1503

Hey lizmeese,

 

I am so sorry to hear that your lost your son and now you have had your grandchildren taken out of your life too.  I can't imagine that if something happened to my husband that I would cut his parents out, they are so important to my daughter.

 

Have you tried to talk to your daughter-in-law about what the problem is? 

 

I do know that some grandparents have taken parents to court to get their rights to see their grandchildren respected.  If you can't talk to your daughter-in-law, I would talk to a lawyer and see if you have any legal recourse to get some visitation with your granddaughters!

 

Keep us posted.

 

Marti

 

http://www.familyeducation.com/home/

cid
1516

lizmeese,

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your son, I too lost my daughter in 2004.  My Granddaughter's father came to us the day after my daughter's services and took the baby.  (We had been helping my daughter raise her.)  We went to a lawyer and were informed we had no rights to her as her mom left no instructions.  We were told that we would need to go to court and seek visitation.  We could maybe hope to have her once a month.  Before this happened, the father was charged with driving under the influence and child endangerment.  (we had been afraid of this happening)  DSS took our granddaugher from him and gave her to us.  After 2 years of having her with us and his not visiting or calling as a GOOD parent would do, we had enough.  We hired a lawyer and went after her.  We kept thorough records of his visits and calls.  I am pleased to say we now have permanant custody.  Her father gets her once a week and everyother weekend.  This arrangement has worked well for all of us.  Dad, our granddaughter and us.   Please don't give up.

cid
1725

ive never once  had bad words with my oldest daughter, but she wont have anything to do with our family she has twins and an older boy we used to see them for a few months then she would not let us see them this has happened all there lives. they did not know what to think. in the end for there sakes i had to withdraw it was breaking my heart. and now i dont see them at all. i love them all but this does not mean a lot to her. her sister does not see them and she wont reconise her sisters own children. she has a problem and knows it but wont sort it out. one day the boys will be older and they will come to see us hopefully untill then my reward is that they are happy.

cid
1956

I have a daughter shes 40. she has 3 children eleven year old twin boys and a fourteen year old boy.she keeps them to herself none of my family see them or her, we try she lets us see them on ocasions that have suited her in the past and then we dont see them for ages this was making me ill. and for the sake of the kiddies i had to call it a day. she has isolated herself since she had a breakdown in her twenties. he husband has to do as hes told. i feel she is pulling the strings and we all have to jump. i have stopped jumping now. i send b.day presents and xmas presents. and receave a short text thankyou. this is the only contact i have i am not the only one so it isint personal. ive tried everything it makes no sence there is no explanation on her part. and she wont discuss it with me. what do you sugest i do .she has cut off her sister and her children and her husband is controled by her, she has completly split my family down the middle she knows i love her and it hurts.

cid
1971

Hi tiebreaker,

 

That has to be a very difficult situation to deal with---my only advice is to just keep trying, for your own peace of mind, for you grandchildren and really for your daughter too.  Keep those lines open so that when she comes back around she knows you are there.  I would try to talk to her and just keep trying.

 

Anyone else have any advice?

 

Marti

 

http://www.familyeducation.com/home/

cid
1974

I am probably going to take some flack for this one folks.  I have to mention it though.  Those children who don't allow their children to come to your home could very well have very legitimate concerns about letting them do so.  When my son was eleven he was fondled by an uncle he trusted.  They were always going and doing things together.  He never told us about it.  He just began to refuse to go to family gatherings where his uncle would be.  He finally got really angry at me for insisting he go to one when he was about 16 and blurted out the entire story.

None of us want to accept that there could ever be anyone in our family doing something like that to a child.  However, we live in the real world and know that kind of thing happens even in the "best" families.

Now, I am not suggesting that it has happened only saying that it could be something along those lines or similar to it that cause them not to allow them to visit.  Maybe it could even go back to their own childhood and something that happened and they are afraid the same thing will happen to their child. 

Try talking to your child and saying you know if something happened that you never told me about I am hear to listen.  Make sure that they understand that you can do nothing to fix the "problem" if you don't know what the problem may be.

For those who have lost a child and the son or daughter -in-law just doesn't allow the Grands to visit I would suggest exhausting every effort to let them know that although your child has been taken his/her children are still a part of your family and have a right to see you and you to see them.  If that does not work try going thru the court systems.

 

good luck

 

cid
1997

I really feel for these grandparents particularly the ones who have lost not only a child but contact with the grandchildren too.

The grandparentswith the little girl who has problems.  You are to be admired, keep up the loving and be kind to yourself too as you will need a rest to charge your batteries so you can raise this little girl.

I thought that being a grandparent would be the most wonderful experience but due to a daughter in law who didn't want us to get involved and who won't speak to us we seldom see the grandchildren although they live reasonably close.  It has made the golden retirement we dreamed of  at times just hell and we have been so kind to her, our son and the children. I am just recovering from the grief  and it has been roughly 3 years since she began her vendetta.

cid
2327

I looked on this message board thinking it would be a brag-site, where you could get away with "aren't my grandkids the cutest, smartest, sweetest."  Instead I find the most poignant, agonizing problems. 

Jaydensg-ma.  She might be trying to be the exact opposite of you.  And you can't really influence her directly right now.  Try to be patient and constantly inviting, so that when she works through this, and it might take a lifetime, but when she does, you can have a good relationship.

cid
2330

The main thing she really needs is the parents' love, if you can find some young couples play with her often, I think she will be fine.

cid
2536

she need the parents' love! give her some oppertunitise play with young couples.

cid
2537

Don't worry about that, just speak out, we don't know who you are. You know, if you can't change the others, just chang youself. Perhaps they came to see you before. But now you can go and see them. You can move them by you actions. We are all human beings. I beleive you can get what you want. Good luck!

cid
2541

Maybe this child feels so un-wanted by her parents that she has to act out. One thing you can do is have birthday parties for both of her parents. Even if they don't attend, you are helping her to acknowledge that they are out there. Not full blown parties, but a cupcake, ice cream, and let her pick out a gift for them. Mail it. Have pictures of the family everywhere. Talk about them in a postive light, say something like" your daddy liked to ride his bike when he was your age." Make an effort to include her parents,and siblings in daily activities, make it to be as natural as possible. Look at pictures. Even if they don't respond, it will hopefully help the child to know that they are a part of her life, thanks to you. God bless you.

cid
3533

I have the exact opposite problem concerning grandchildren. My children don't have grandparents who care to be involved in their lives. I do try to be understanding and have resigned myself to the situation. Honestly, I think it's simply their personalities. It's not that they don't love them - there is no doubt that they do. They live literally 2 minutes down the road and they only see the kids if we bring them. Or if they need yardwork done. My kids willingly help them out but it hurts them that that is the only time they call for them to come over. When we do drop in they are always glad to see us but they don't interact much with the kids especially the little ones. I realize we have a lot of kids but they are very well behaved (they really, really are - I promise!) But we don't dare leave the younger ones - 7,5 & 2 - there as they act like it's a huge undertaking and the older ones say that they are overly and unfairly strict with them. These are my husband parents and they are good people. Just unattatched. My parents live too far away. My dad would love to be involved in their lives but he is on the other side of the country and only gets this way every 2-3 years. My mother is also in another state and unable to travel. Even still she was selective with her favorites and we weren't it. I had a wonderful grandmother and I feel as if my children are missing out on one of the greatest blessings on earth. I would give anything for my children to have someone in their lives to fill that role. I will say this though - I am also a grandmother to 2 beautiful children and have another one on the way and it has made me determine to be that grandparent that I so desired for my own children. I am so blessed to have my daughter and son in law living with us as they save up to buy a house. I watch my grandbabies as mom works and I wouldn't trade a moment of it for all the money in the world. I just wish my children had what I had.  

cid
3544

I came on here to ask a question but want to help as well. We are grandparents raising a granddaughter and have encountered many of the same problems. My heart goes out to you as I have some idea of what life is like for you. I don't know what state you live in but I live in Fl and was awarded child support from both of my granddaughter's parents. I would call Child Support Enforcement in your area and ask them if you can try to receive support from both parents. My son doesn't pay...but he sure owes me plenty. The mom had to pay up due to her driver's license being revokes for DUI. She had to settle all back support before she could get her license reinstated. Plus, she has a steady job and the state has intervened in past years and sent her tax return money to me. As for my son, he owes over $7,000. and I feel that is better than not oweing. Every little bit helps. psprey
cid
4708

I have been raising my granddaughter age 4 for the last 2 years. My husband and I have custody and now the parents are ready and want her back. We are starting the process with more visistation with the father and the mother. (they are not together) My problem is I feel like i am losing a child. I can't seem to shake the feelings and feel depressed. I am at a lost. Anyone else been thru this i would like to know how you handled it. Thanks LD.
cid
4960

I just wanted to comment to LD. I can relate to your depression concerning grandchildren and the feeling of losing a child. How I have handled it thus far is sought out my rights as a grandparent to my grandchild. I met with any attorney and if my daughter's behavior and attitude does not improve...I will sue her for visitation.
cid
5504

35 years ago my two nieces came to live with me and my parents for 15 months. We cleaned them up and had a great time, they were like little sisters to me. When my older sister came unannounced to take them back with her was one of the very few times I ever saw my mother cry. It is extremely difficult and to this day, causes a rift in my family. As adults my nieces both said that their time with us helped them immensely to deal with life with their mother and her boyfriend. So, feel comforted that you have given so much to your grandchildren and see them as much as you are able.
cid
5507

We are taking care of our 2 year old little granddaughter, that we absolutely adore. But we also feel we are being taken advantage of. my husbands daughter, my stepdaughter is a single mom and works fulltime. but the problem is she thinks its okay to go out drinking with friends and not spend time with her daughter. She says she needs time to do things also. but in all actuality she only has her 2 full days a week and thats on her days off. its either us watching baby or the other grandma. Its very frustrating and my heart breaks for our little girl. mom is very selfish and thinks of her own needs. any advice for us we have tried talking to her and she gets mad and tells us to stop telling her how to be a mom and raising her child.
cid
5517

Babies always need great cloth if any one wants som thing great for their grandbaby they should vist Dryseasonbaby.com. Or even if your starting a hope chest Dry season is the place to go.
cid
6215

I really feel for the grandparents that really love their granchildren who don't get to see them very often.I too hurt alot because we have two granddaughters and they love to see us.If it wasn' for my son we wouldn't see them and they see her parents all the time and we all live in the same town.I feel my daughterinlaw is very jealous because she knows that I am a different Grandma than the other one.I am more gentle and do things with them and I have also lost alot of weight and she has gotten heavier.We too were looking forward to seeing them but we only see them 2 or 3 times a month.I work and my days off it seems my daughterinlaw always has an excuse for them not to see us and my heart just aches because of it.I never thought my son would marry someone that would be controlling.
cid
6937

Hi Robertafus, I'm not a grandma, but I feel for you. I've had my share of family problems as well, and it all comes down to such frivolous things. It's sad that these things get in the way of relationships, especially in families. You'd think that your DIL wld want you to be around her children knowing that you are so involved and loving. She shld put whatever feelings she has towards you aside, for the sake of her children. They have every right to have a relationship w/ their grandparents. Thank goodness for your son.
cid
6948

I'm a retired 61 yeaar old grandmother that is raising 4 grndchildren on a fixed income. The only help I get from the state is their medical and about $45.00 per child a month. That does not even cover food for 4 kids in a month. What I need is a babysitter so that I can get some peace and quite for a few hours or days to spend some time with adults, also some more money for clothes would help and food. I moved to Memphis Tn. 2 years ago after I got permanant custody of thes kids and I have had them for 6 years after retireng at age 55 and having appox. 15 months of retirement. I can not find any Grandparenting anythinghere in this city. Can you help
cid
7078

Go to the Tennessee.gov website and see if you can find anything there.
cid
7093

MY DAUGHTER CALLED ME THIS MORNING,VERY FRUSTRATED & ANGRY WITH HER SONS BEHAVIOUR! SHE FOUND A KNIFE IN HIS COAT POCKET!SHE QUESTIONED HIM ON IT.HE SAID HE DIDNT PUT IT THERE.HE BLAMED IT ON ONE SOMEONE WHO SHE DOSENT WANT HIM TO HANG AROUND WITH IN HIS NIEBORHOOD.SHE IS FEARFUL THAT THIS INCIDENCE COULD LEAD TO BIGGER PROBLEMS DOWN THE ROAD!ANY FEEDBACK OR COMMENTS FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS DEALT WITH THIS SITUATION, WOULD BE APPRECIATED!CONCERNED GRANDMOTHER!tmiron1957
cid
12154

How old is your grandson? Your daughter needs to address this situation right away. She needs to explain to her son the seriousness of carrying a knife around. She also needs to monitor her son more closely (where he goes, who he hangs out w/, etc.) If infact a neighborhood kid is influencing your grandson, this kid shld be reported to police. If he's not, your grandson or someone else cld get seriously hurt. This is not something to take lightly, and your grandson needs to understand this and change his ways ASAP.
cid
12203

There was a time when every boy and lots of us girls carried pocketknives with us as a matter of course. Knives are tools, not usually weapons. I don't let my kids take knives to school because the policy states the knife would be confiscated. I also don't let them take our really cool swords for show and tell, for the same reason.
cid
12209

I wish that i had grandparents but my mum and dad don't even bother with me they moved to spain and they changed they didnt ring write nothing no birthday cards or even a christmas one do i feel sad that my kids dont even know them really my youngest has met them once and she wants a grandma to do things with stay over and bake or even just a chat would be nice and i'd like that too its a lonely world when you have no family i cant just pick up the phone for a chat nothing they have moved again i think they have come back to the uk bit they havent rang and i know in my heart that they are not going to and to all off you grandmas grandads nannys nana.s i take my hat of to you all for caring being there and loving them thank you xx I even looked online if i could find a new grandma and grandad but havent somethings are just not meant to be if only i had a magic fairy grandmother x
cid
21557

I have full custody of my granddaughter and she has RAD's, PSTD and ADHD. i was trying to get her the right theropy and they didn't do it right, I ask Children Service Good Help now they put her in tempory foster care and I am going through classes in a family plan to get her back in my home with the right help. The thing is they are trying to give her to daddy and he did nothing when I went to court never even show up, I got tempory custody in 5 minutes and full custody in 6 weeks. I didn't know about RAD's until I had to take her to rescue criss center, they diagnous her and didn't get her the right help and I couldn't get her to listen or do anything without fighting me. I cried because the little granddaughter that love me as much as I love her, feels like she hates me.
cid
22667