Need Help.....I'm at the end of my rope! - FamilyEducation
Need Help.....I'm at the end of my rope!
01/30/2010 at 22:26 PM

I really need some advice from everyone here on a specific issue that has been going on. My father passed away in January of 2008. He was only 61 and I miss him very much. My mother is still alive and just turned 61 this year. She and my father had a tumultuous relationship and a marriage riddled with crap. It is a wonder to me how I have turned out to be the person that I am and how I also ended up to be a good mother with two wonderful teenage daughters. My marriage is solid and my husband is a wonderful man. The problem is that a year after my Dad died, my mother has started treating me terribly. She has become one of these people who only calls when there is a problem or when she wants something. Half the time, she wants my husband. Fix this, repair that, build this, move that. It's crazy! This past Christmas she had my two teenage girls put up her Christmas tree and all the Christmas lights because she didn't want to and because I told her no. What the heck? My mother is 61....not 92 and is perfectly capable. She wants Christmas to be at her house but won't even decorate a damn thing for it!

We are about to have a new baby born into the family from my youngest brother & his wife. The lengths and fanfare my mother went to for this baby shower was ridiculous. You would have thought that Maria Carey was having a baby and her celebrity shower was held at my mother's house. My father left my mother very well-off. Meanwhile.....all the other babies born into the family did not have this grand reception. While this baby shower was being planned, I was asked to make floral centerpieces, help with decorations, and with the baby shower games and prizes. I did all that I was asked to do and then some. The flowers I did were so good that some lady at the shower asked me to do her wedding! I am not a florist or a floral designer at all! LOL. After all was said and done, my mother never so much as thanked me for any of the help I gave or the things that I took the time to make. Not one word of thanks. my daughters and I were leaving her house after cleaning up, she says to my two kids, "Make sure you come back to Grandma's soon but don't bring your mother!" She said this infront of people leaving from the baby shower and also her best friend, Jeanne. When Jeanne heard this, she turned around and told my mother that she will be having words with her later about what was said. I just took both of my girls and walked straight to my car in astonishment. I think my mother has lost her cotton-picking mind. Moreover, I nearly had a crying breakdown when my neighbor, and very good friend, told me that she doesn't think my mother loves me very much and certainly not like she loves her two sons. She said that this is painfully obvious to her after meeting my mother face-to-face several times. My friend told me that I need to step back and change my attitude toward my mother and distance myself from her and what she does. I am so confused, hurt, baffled, and also angry at what seems to be happening here. I miss my father and he's not here anymore. My mother thinks she's perfect and also thinks she's beyond making mistakes or apologies. She is always right....everyone else is wrong. If I have something to say and she doesn't like it...she simply ignores me and expects me to go away. Does anyone have any advice for me? What should I do? Everyone around me is so complacent with her and let's her walk all over them because they don't want to start "drama". So, she continues to run amuck and do whatever she pleases whether it hurts me or not. It's almost as she feels entitled to whatever she wants since my father passed away. Like she feels it's owed to her because she chose to stay in a horrible marriage and some kind of paybacks are in order. I don't know what to me please!

Hi Dear, I am surprised no one has responded to your cry of anguish. Well, your narration is very clear and specific. In my opinion, your friend who told you to distance yourself from your mother was right. You could have all your family together, may by even just your husband and two daughters and have a clear discussion with your mother. Instead of saying that SHE is hurting you, you could put it that whatever she has done, especially in the near past, so she would remember it well, and not say the you are digging into the distant past, is hurting YOU. You feel upset and angry, hurt and neglected, etc. and let us see if she has any explanation for that. This should be in front of your husband and daughters and please have a discussion with them about this show down before embarking on it. And, listen to their opinion too, putting aside your own subjective hurt and pain. After this discussion, you could draw the lines...saying, we have our own lives to lead, so any help coming forth from us, henceforth would be rare, and absolutely based on necessity. Make is very very clear that you will not be a doormat...which, it appears that you have been, so far. Even in India, where I hail from, though we love and respect our parents and parents in law, this kind of slavish behavior is fast disappearing! Hope this helped. With a lot of warm sympathy, Georgina Kumar