School not helping my child - FamilyEducation
School not helping my child
09/07/2007 at 06:18 AM

Help ! I don't think my daughter's school can keep up with her and discussion with them is not constructive

Firstly, I apologise for possibly making the worlds longest post.

My 6 year old daughter has always been bright. She is currently at a small village school and last year was in the top half of Year 1 and due to the school structure was taught in a class with year 2. She rapidly established herself as one of the most able and completed the entire year working with the most able Year 2s.

She is happy at school when soaking up new learning, but things went wrong on 2 occasions last year.

Firstly when there was a change of teacher, it took 3 weeks and 4 visits from us to the school before the new teacher was willing to put her with the more able year 2s again. During this time she was bored, unhappy and develped obsessive compulsive behaviours

Secondly in July when the schools are backing off form academic work. This was horrendous. Hannah came home from school and all you could see in her face was fury. She was unable to get herself under control or to communicate effectively at this point. To give some idea how bad it was I frequently had to restrain her to put her to bed with her screaming "I hate my life. I wish I was dead". Her doctor wanted to dose her with Prozac.

It was only after the end of the school year that we were able to find out from her that it was due to boredom and frustration at school.

We have always been concerned about Year 2 as she will be staying in the same room and now be taught with the other children in her year group plus some of those from the year below. The school just keep saying they will make provision to deal with her.

First day back this year and the work consisted of writing the numbers from 1 to 20 (over the summer she was adding up 7 digit numbers) and writing a wish on a cardboard star. Her wish was "I wish I was in a higher class so that I could do harder work". That night we could start to see the effect of a days boredom on her.

We made an appointment to see her teacher and the head yesterday and we approached everything from the unhappy child point of view rather than as pushy parents. They offered nothing other than the same bland assurances that I no longer believe. I know the school will not move her up to the class containing Year 3 and some of Year 4 but I asked about the possibility of her just doing numeracy and literacy with the year 3/4 class and other subjects back with those in her own year groups.

This request was met with some pathetic objections all of which were shot down -

She will mark herself out as different from her peers which could result in bullying. [She has already marked herself out as different (but still has sme good friends) and she was bullied last year anyway to some extent]

She hasn't accomplished all year 2 objectives [Has any child that you have just put up to year 3]

If she goes up to the higher class then she will be pushed towards the year 4 objectives [Why is that a problem ? She likes to be pushed and she needs those tougher targets to aim for. i thought they were objectives and not limits]

She's not really that bright - her report was just a snapshot and doesn't reflect her true ability [if she was that capable when that snapshot was taken then it menas she must be AT LEAST that capable. Also the text of the report backs up the fact that she has left her year group well behind.

She only wants to go up to be with her friends [her 3 best friends are in her current year group and the bully is in the year above]

In short the school want her to repeat a year of her education and don't care about the effect this will have on her happiness or welfare.

I asked about facilities outside the school for gifted and talented children and were told that basically there are none.

The school has a gifted and talented policy but this is simply a waste of paper - apparently 10% of children in the school are marked as G&T but the choice does not seem to relate to academic ability and the policy does not mention anything that will be done for the children identified that is not already available for all children. In short a worthless policy obviously designed to put a tick in a box somewhere. Surprisingly though the head didn't even mention the policy.

I am at a total loss as to where to go next and would appreciate any help or advice. The web seems awash with sites offereing the sorts of bland statements that I heard too many of yesterday but nothing of real use.

Changing schools is going to be a big problem due to 2 schools in my area being closed/merged meaning that all but the absolute worst schools are at capacity.

We are looking at private schools but we have 2 other children (1 and 3) and the 3 year old at least is also very bright (already reading and doing simple maths) and we really can't afford 2 or 3 lots of fees. In fact its questionable whether we can afford 1 lot.

I really don't like the idea of home tutoring. However I would rather have a happy child lacking some of the social skills that are developed as school than the child I get home from school when she is bored. However I have no idea how to go about starting to home tutor. Can anybody point the way to some basic info ?

Please, any help, advice or pointers to other information would be gratefully received. I know I should be happy and proud of my child but at the moment I am just scared for her happiness and mental wellbeing.











Hey stressed_dad,


Welcome to the boards.  It sounds like you are having quite a bit of frustration.


My only suggestions are first to continue up the ladder about your daughter being promoted if you truly believe that is the best choice for her.  Go above the head of the school to the school district or whatever the next step up is---it might not do any good but you will have at least exhausted all avenues.


Also, talk to your daughter about making efforts to learn on her own.  When she finishes her work early, she could do other work, from a workbook or read something that is more advanced or something she is interested in, perhaps that would help her at least not be bored.


Also, I am not sure I understand your complaint with the gifted and talented program and why you wouldn't like her to be put into it.


You could look into magnet schools for the subjects she is strongest in and see if she could get into one of those.  And when thinking about private schools remember that many private schools have financial aid packages that make the schools more affordable.


Anyone else have any ideas?




I was also looking into homeschool as well.  Here is some info I found out so far this is a link it was givin on my states webpage

this page tells you a little bit about the program this is for public home school which is paid by the state i dont know what state you are from but if you check that state web page it might give you some direction.  there are also private home schools but they cost money.

I hope it all works out for you and your family.


Hi stressed_dad. I have 2 kids, both gifted & the oldest has severe ADHD (youngest might, not old enough for true diagnosis). I homeschool both my kids. My daughter (9 1/2) did attend public school for Kindergarten. She was bored out of her mind, not allowed to do any work that was challenging, expected to help teach the other kids, bullied constantly because she was smart, and ended up hating school by the end of the year. We have a Gifted Program in our public schools & it is a joke. It used to be good (I was in it when I was in school), but now no longer offers anything better than the regular program. We started homeschooling after that year. She is doing so much better now. If your only concern about homeschooling is socialization, then let me tell you that homeschooled kids, generally speaking, have just as good (if not better) socail skills as public/private schooled kids. It all depends on how much she socializes. If you keep her in the house all day, never letting her around other people, not allowing her to play with friends, then her social skills will suffer. But, if you enroll her in extracurricular activities, allow her to continue seeing her friends, etc. her social skills will be fine.

Homeschooling allows you to let her work at her own pace, on a level that is appropriate for her skills & abilities, not based on age. Gifted children are special needs children. Special needs  children are any children that have needs (academic, social, emotional, etc.) that are different from average children. Gifted kids need to be challanged, they need to work at their own pace & not do pages of review, on a concept they've already mastered, every day for months while everyone else catches up to them. Homeschooling offers this opportunity.

I'm not necessarily trying to convince you to homeschool. I just know, from personal experience, the benefits it has for gifted children. If you are really interested in homeschooling, do some research on it; check out books from the library, contact homeschoolers in your area, find a few homeschooling message boards. There are many options when it comes to homeschooling; different methods, a variety of materials, co-ops, tutoring, online schools, etc. There are so many ways it can be done, so you have the opportunity to find what works best for your child. Here are a few links to get you started:

The last link is to the Home School Legal Defense website. Look there to find the laws for your state. I hope these links are helpful to you.

Whatever you choose, I hope you find a way to help your little girl. I'm sure you'll do what's best for her.



Thanks for the responses.

As to what state we are in - England.

Encouraging words regarding homeschooling and its not something we are dismissing out of hand.

We have bought some time for now - we simply gave the head until the end of the week to start teaching maths and english in the older class or we would withdraw her from school immediately. The head is worried enough about the SATS scores and the finance per pupil to have given in.

Outside that we have been looking at the education system in this cournty to try to work out what is best for the long term.

A private wchool would happily place her with the year 3s class if that was what we wanted or just allow her to attend year 3 lessons for some subjects but stay with year 2 for others. However what after she reached secondary school ?

Assuming she slows down and stops powering ahead then she will still be a year ahead when she reaches 11. No secondary school will take her a year early.

No secondary school within 20 miles of our home will consider teaching her even for some lessons with older children. As far as they are all concerned she can just be bored working on her own.

So that pretty much forces us to assume she is goign to have to stick with private school until after her A-levels (at least a year early ?) But then after A-levels it seems that many universities won't want to know until she is 18.

If she is to stay in state school we asked about special educational needs. I am aware of a parent who's children are "not exactly academic" and they have been offered up to 20 hours of one-to-one tuition per week under some special educational needs policy. I have said that my daughter has special educational needs to prevent her getting bored and hating school. I have been told that nothing will be made available for her until after she has developed behavioural problems as a result.

At the same time we have been looking at nursery schools for daughter number 2. Apparently offsted will now not let nursery schools teach children to read or write. This shocked me and I assumed I had misunderstood but they have all confirmed it. The only nursery in the area that does teach them, can only do it because it has opted out of ofsted control and is basically a private nursery - ie cannot accept the government childcare vouchers.

Dumbing down our entire education system to hold the brighter children back to the speed of the slowest is ridiculous. Our house is on the market and we are searching for an appropriate country to emigrate to.












This sounds like you are writing my story.  I was frustrated at my last child's school and begged and pleaded with them to give her more challenging work and I was told it would come and it never did.  I watched my gifted first grader go from thriving to being bored and doing average work.  At the risk of my husband losing his job we moved outside of the district where we both work and settled on a suburb school with high standardized test scores.  I was upset to find out that it was far worse there!  My daughter is also bored and has developed nervous habits. She does not like her teacher and I can't blame her, I don't like him either.  She has already had troubles adjusting to a new town, neighborhood, friends etc. or I would move her out of his dead beat class in a heartbeat.  I worry day and night about her.
      My suggestion to you as both a teacher myself and a parent is to work with her at home and on weekends with what she really loves.  Enroll her in educational camps and classes in your community.  Involve her in playgroups with similar kids.  Expose her to as much opportunity to thrive in the time she is not in school and perhaps it will make up for the lack of challenge there. Subscribe to kids educational magazines and read with her each night and discuss them.  School is only one third of her day. At the very least you might see her moods changing back to happy for part of her days.  Eventually this might spill over to the rest of her day at school, especially if she is allowed to write about her activities outside of school or share about them.  Have her keep a scrapbook of interesting things to her and refer to it when she is feeling down.  Consider hiring a private tutor who is fun and challenging for an hour a week who gives homework for a few nights the rest of the week. She will still be gaining adult recognition which it sounds like she is missing at school and an opportunity to keep her advanced skills sharp.
      It sounds like the new teacher is being very unreasonable.  Teachers are not Gods by any means.  Just remember, almost anyone with an average intellect can get a teaching degree.  I would try to educate him/her as much as possible about the special needs of gifted children. Good luck and I feel your pain.  I am making up for what the school lacks and so far it is working. It is sad that you have to do that but it will pay off in the long run.


My daughter has been working on her own in most lessons on separate work from the rest of the class. This is demoralizing her, setting her apart from her friends resulting in mild bullying and generally making her unhappy. The obsessive-compulsive picking at her arms and face has started again.

We have tried to work out what will happen to her if she is allowed to progress at the rate she wants to learn at. No secondary school (ages 11 to 16/18) will take her before she is 11. And even if she has covered the syllabus before she arrives, she will still have to work through it again with other children the same age. ie same problem we are experiencing with her current school.

So unless we hold her back now either she has to be held back from age 11 to 18 or we will have to deal with her outside the state education system until she is 18.

I've quit my job. I start a new one paying half as much that allows me to work from home with hours to suit.  

Hannah will finish next week at the current school then will not be going back after the half term break. from then we will be teaching her at home and I will work nights.

We have a buyer for the house which we can no longer afford to stay in due to my loss of salary. Hopefully the sale will go through next month with no problems. Then we can rent somewhere cheaper.

We have increased the number of out-of-school clubs that she attends so she doesn't lose out on the social interaction.

I just feel so grateful that my other two children aren't exceptional. How sad is that ? I just hope that in the future they don't resent the sacrifices we have had to make for just one child. This is not favouritism it is just dealing with the different needs of different individuals.

Our search of the world for somewhere better to live continues.

stressed dad











I am very sorry to read your posts and all that you are going through. My family is in a similar situation here in New York State, in the U.S., with our 7 year old son.

In pre-school we were told he was brilliant. Yet, in Kindergarten and first grade we were told he had ADHD, which we knew was not true. He can sit still for ours when he is at home working on a science project or building things, cooking, reading, etc. We finally paid to have him privately tested, both for ADHD and IQ. All test results showed a highly intelligent child with no other problems except being bored nearly out of his mind. We knew he was smart, but we did not even realize ourselves, the extent. There have been two boards that really saved us,, a discussion group for parents from all over the world, and

By utilizing those two boards we have been able to arm ourselves with information to present to our son's school, so that he can be appropriately challenged. This year, in grade 2, though we have seen vast improvements, we still have far to go.  We will be demanding a full year grade skip, as our son is still bored to tears despite the school's best efforts. He is reading at the 8th grade level, and doing Math at the 5th grade level, yet they send him home with worksheets to add 3 +9. Painful.

We are also having him tested by the John Hopkins Center for Talented Youth. This test will help us get him the grade skip he so desperately needs. There must be some similar programs in England. Don't give up. I did many hours of research at our local library and read dozens of books over the summer (many were recommended by the hoagies gifted webpage) and I am now an informed parent who will advocate to get the best for my child. This is very trying, especially with all that your family is sacrificing, but once your daughter is on her way to getting her intellectual needs met, she will be a happier child and your whole family will benefit. Good luck.


Wow.  You are really invested in your children's well-being!  Schools are kind of like factories, and your daughter is just not meeting their criteria for raw material.  I've home-schooled most of my children off and on.  They are all in school this year--wait, the 30, 28, and 27 year old are graduated from college, and the 18 year-old is in college.  OK, the 10 and 16 year-olds are in school. 

Your child may or may not find a way to fit into school.  The Social Skills question--do you really think the best teachers of social skills are a bunch of children?  Keep her involved in community-based activities, sports, drama, arts, music.  The most important skill that she might miss learning is how to deal with  idiotic, unavoidable bureaucracies.   But you are modelling that skill, so, I think she'll be all right. 

And about jealousy from other children.  I have one child who is asthmatic.  I don't give the other ones steroids or aminophylline.   If I had a diabetic child, I wouldn't give the other ones insulin.  I think if it comes up, you could find a way to explain that to the others. 


To whom it concerns my daughter was gifted in reading and writing and was tested in the 6th grade even though we knew she was early on but no tests were given. I home schooled Jenna in the fifth grade and put her back in public in the 6th grade after a really good year of homeschooling. Jenna wanted to be with her peers a little bit but found out that she was unhappy in the 7th and 8th because of how mean some of theother children were. She loved her reach class in the 7th and 8th but when she was in the regular classes she seemed like she had to dumb down herself to fit in and that carried on into the 9th grade. I put her in private school , but she was writing some pretty wierd things and the teacher called me on it and she thought Jen should see a counselor so I took her but didnt know why she was doing all these things. Jenna tried to be different from who she was to get attetion and that she got. I ended up putting her back in public school for only two months and then she said she was hearing things or she was having some bizarre behavior and then it was suggested that we take her and have her checked for aniety, obsessive/compulsive disorder and depression. Where did this all come from? I dont know but she thought all along that people were suppose to treat you good and Jen was a very sensitive person very much so but yet fun and could be wity and very talented in music and songwriting. Kids were mean that she knew in there own way and Jenna wasnt like that, she had alot of empathy for others and loved people but was not getting it back that way from peers. They were all about themselves. The gifted coordinator was not that much help because there was no one facilitating for these children in regular classes. Well I found out that our tax dollar paid for online or digital academy schooling and I hurried up and go t her in that at home and she was still in college prep. Jen was doing much better but she cut her self when she could not find an outlet and that about drove me crazy because no one in our family and our son never did this EVER. It was all new to me and my husband . I cried and cried because i couldnt do anything but I still had toset boundaries she was a young teenager. I never want to go back to the bad parts but she finished the ninth grade and had to catch up and then she did online at home for the tenth grade and that went pretty good. The pricipal for online was absoutely great and such a nice person. Jen did well and she was also doing some homeschool program things remember that homeschooled children can participate in many many things aside from the public school. Jenna entered a contest in the fifth grade and came in third out of 300 and she was homeschooled. It was a writing contest opened to everyone. I was proud of her. Then the 11th grade came and the public school offered medical technology 2 year course so she went back and did quite well and received her nurses aid license and was inducted into the millstream technology . We were so happy and then she met this boy and things went well for a fe w months and my daughter made him know and popular which no one could understand why she was with him including me but the fact reamained we are christians so ite was christian dating. He tried to cross the line and we told him we could not trust hime with our daughter an so there was a cooling off period until our daughter got into her senior year and had bothe feet on the ground. Senior year started and they were able to resume there courting or dating and he said no that he would wait until she turned 18, but in the meantime he went out on her and of course my daughter cried and i tried to explain that it was about lust not love and your to wait and date along time till you get to know thate fella and by the way the girl sets the standards not the guy so if they girl loosens her standards then the consequenses can be grave. Sh e forgave herself and we her and she graduated online from FHS and now is on her way to college but she left her school because she could not face this fella in her class. I , yes was not happy she left because she gave the ship up but it was what was best for her and no one else and her schooling needed to go on and she did quite well he r senior. She has her diploma and will not walk down the aile with her classmates, but remember there was only a handful and maybe not that many that she cared about. Lif e is funny but it will go on and remember do whats best for your daughter not this wierd society. They dont pay your bills or run your life. The worldly world loses but gods world will be around forever. Im sorry this is so long but homeschool your daughter and let her learn at her own pace. I could of done without the drama of all this had i never put her back in public school but I always cared about her having the best, and now she does that is what s best for her. We alll graduated from the High School including her brothe thats 28 and I just wanted the same for her. Oh well shes going to college and we are proud of her and now she is in touch with the lord more. We are only on earth for a short period of time and eternal life is forever. Christian caring Darla

Hello, I just joined and was wondering how your doing with your daughter, here it goes! Alot of what you say sounds like what we went through, My daughter is now ten and we have been homeschooling her here in texas for about 2 yrs she attended private, public, charter schools, we love every thing about homeschooling, we are not doing it for religous reasons but education, she has met lots of friends and has just published her first book "Mystery School" that she wrote when she was 9yrs old. Her second book is in publication and will be out very soon, she just took the sats and showed she is in the 11th grade level, won a national award for her first book and many many other accomplishments, she is still 10 and very much a young girl just academically very very happy we would not change it for the world. If you need help on homeschooling i can help you, its not what you might think only much much better at least for us! Its not for every child but it won't hurt to do some research. Sincerely,Connie

Hi there, I've considered homeschooling my son as well. He was in a spec ed self-contained class since he was 3. At 4 yrs old we put our son in a mainstream pre-k class as a trial. This proved to be a setback for him. Last yr our son was put back at his previous school where he completed kindergarten and did quite well. Now the district wants him back at the public school for all the wrong reasons. B/c of the alternative given to us, we decided to try our town school again, this time given the added supports of a spec-ed curriculum and a smaller class size for math and reading. Still we worry about our son fitting in. Our previous experience at the public school was not a good one. Our son stood out like a sore thumb, and the other kids and their parents weren't very accepting of him. W/ the added supports, we're hoping things will be better this yr. I agree whole-heartedly that if a child feels he is not fitting in with his peers, his self-esteem will be damaged. This in turn will affect him both academically and socially. I know I don't want this for my child. For me, as hard as it will be to homeschool a child w/ a disability, I'm willing to try my hardest if need be. My son's happiness is more important than anything else the school has to offer. It's true that many schools really don't consider the emotional damage that can result from kids being mean. I admire those parents that dedicate themselves to homeschooling their children. From what I hear, there are many social oportunities and supports for homeschool families. If you have the dedication and the means to do it, do it. In many cases, it pays off in the end.

Hello I can relate to your situation, I have a daughter also called Hannah who is a similar age and is not benefiting from the one-size-fits-all education she is receiving. We are managing this by keeping her challenged in other ways. For example, she cuts out Sudoku puzzles (for adults) out of the newspaper and amuses herself with these when she has completed her work. She also has a book of crosswords that are for children a few years older and so she enjoys doing these at school when bored. We take her out of class on morning a week for music lessons. She does 6 hours of gymnastics after school which requires a lot of concentration and is both a physical and mental challenge. She is enjoying learning a second language. She has learnt to play chess, checkers, backgammon, mastermind and difficult card games. I honestly cannot beat her at many games now. I believe by satisfying her quest for intellectual challenges in this way we can keep her stimulated without advancing her even further from her peer group. Perhaps you could investigate many different ways to quench you daughters thirst for learning. Sometimes accelerating children up the standard curriculum just compounds the problems of isolation (which your daughter may experience if she returns to school). Instead if you focus is to extend her laterally you will give her lots of talents and abilities she can build on throughout her life. My husband was a gifted child and his parents extended him in so many ways. They taught him to sail at a young age - so he has a national sailing title from when he was a teenager. He has so many other abilities in music, the arts and science because of the ways they extended him - not just up but out. He was not home schooled but they must have made good use of the time he was home. All the best