Wife won't break from mother - FamilyEducation
Wife won't break from mother
03/16/2009 at 08:04 AM

While there has been some interesting MIL problems and solutions offerred on this site, I have not quite seen anything quite applicable to me. I have been married for three years, and now have a 11 month old son.
And my wife and I are now separated. And it is because my wife will not standup to her mother. Its not that she is cowering to her, she will fight, but that she eventually not only caves in, but rationalises that her mother's desires are in fact the best course of action that can be taken. So, we slowed and stopped seeing my parents because my MIL missed her grandson (she sees him everyday, whereas my parents a few hours per month)and she thought that her daughter was being "brainwashed" (wife's description of complaint)by my parents (my wife had always saidshe loved my parents and cousins and such). We had an oppotunity to move to a better locale and situation (we both agred), but my MIL argued and bickered for a week with my wife, culminating in a cry fest when she said it would "kill her" not to see her grandson. Then, my wife decided not only to stay where we are, but that such a circumstance was actually better for us.
I realise the above was brief and choppy, and my gripes are certainly not limited to the above issues, but these are what stand out because it doesn't merely effect me and my wife, but also our son.
How do you deal with a situation when your spouse will not break emotionally from a parent, and to live her own life?

Logic won't help in this situation. I can only assume that your wife and her mother have some pathology in their relationship that was present even before you married. You don't have any control over that. You are in a very tough situation.

The only suggestion I have for you is family counceling. It's really a shame that you both can't work this out, not only for the sake of your marriage, but also for the sake of your son. This is a case where I think your MIL needs to butt out and let you and your wife live your own lives. I'm w/ you on this one 100%. Based on what you stated, your wife shld be on your side, not her mother's. I'm so sorry.

It may be that your wife is afraid of losing her mother's love. Or, your wife may be afraid to grow up. It will be very difficult to stand up to her parents if your wife still views herself as a child. Assure your wife you will back her up if she decides to stand up to her mother and stick to her decision. Your wife may feel she needs major back-up and you need to let her know you will always be that strong support.