Vacation with family member I do not like-what to do? - FamilyEducation
Vacation with family member I do not like-what to do?
10/31/2012 at 07:26 AM

Hello, I am new and looking for help. I will start with the background story: When I was 11 my parents, brother, grandmother and I took a trip to Florida. My grandmother was very controlling and the trip overall was a disaster.

My husband has never been to Florida so we talked about going down sometime next year. My mother and father would also like to go back someday. My husband suggested we go together, the 4 of us. I thought that was a great idea and asked them if they would like to go.

She said she would ask my dad. Yesterday I emailed her a picture of the celebration of lights in Disney and asked if she had talked to my dad. She said she has thought of a way we can ALL go(mom, dad, brother, me and my hubby) but she won't say more until we are all together next month.

I do not want to go with my brother. I wanted this vacation to be the 4 of us. I never said invite my brother, I asked if they (mom and dad wanted to come with us. My brother and I are civil but I do not like him. He is rude, always serious and looks down on all of us. I don't want another trip that should be fun to be ruined because of him. I don't even know why she asked him because they are not close and he has little to do with them.

Would it be rude of me to tell her I don't want him there or to say if he is going then just my husband and I will go another time and they can go together with him? My mother and I close and my husband says I should just tell her I don't want him there. Hubby also does not like him and does not want him there.

Hey, sounds like you're in quite a pickle! For what it's worth, it sounds like you're brother probably feels the same way about you as you do about him. If he's disproving and a drag in general I can understand that you'd not want him to be around, so you might as well tell him - or get your mum to tell him. It might even be the wake up call that he needs to buck his ideas up. At least you're being strait about the whole thing.

We can't take sides when our adult kids fight. If I saw a chance for all of our family to be together I'd suggest it! I want the bigger picture of "we are a family forever" to prevail! Don't put your mother in the middle. That's a childish tactic. Developing adult family relationships takes time, so be patient-- but it's worth the effort. I understand. I developed a rift with my sister. I've also traveled several years a sister in law, AKA the devil's happy minion, lol! I have felt attacked, yet no one would defend me. Now I understand why: adults resolve their own conflicts. Maybe try an itinerary. Decide which park go to, beach day, family meal and have a free day. Be flexible and open, and WORK ON IT WITH YOUR BROTHER. Your parents will love you two working together. They are aware of your dynamics, and want it to change, believe me. You and brother are truly going to need each other as your parents age and as you have kids! YOU CAN DO IT!

You only have one life and one family. Maybe your feelings are being shown and he treats you the way he does because he knows you feel that way. I can't imagine it only being one sided. That is really hard for your parents because I'm sure they love you both and want you to get along. I do get not wanting to be around your brother. Honestly mine irritates the fool out of me and most of the time I try to avoid long interactions but I try to see things through his perspective and imagine my life without him. You could always be surprised. I know that's not what you want to hear but that doesn't mean it oesnt make it right.

Thank you all for your comments. I have decided I will just go along with the trip, as my husband says just because he is there it does not mean we have to talk to him all day. I will go and have a good time, after all my husband and parents are there too. As for our relationship, it will never be better and honestly I am fine with that. I rarely see him and we have nothing in common. We are two different people with two different lives. I don't believe just because we are family we have to want to see each other or try to have a relationship. I actually outside of him, only see my parents. My cousin has a 2 year old I have never seen. I don't need him honestly. My mother and I just finished taking care of my grandmother. My brother never helped us. It was just her and I. He has already stated he will not take care of my parents either. I know I will be the care taker. I am fine with that.