Stepmother can't let go - FamilyEducation
Stepmother can't let go
01/29/2010 at 19:15 PM

I posted before about my stepmom who changed her tune after my dad passed. Before my father died he told my brother to take his tools and my brother felt awkward doing it at the time. When my stepmom decided to sell the home I went with my brother to get the tools and my stepmom said "they were her tools"..she was in the process of selling the house and moving in with her new man who she only claimed to know a few months (my dad had been deceased for about a year and a half). It was really awkward..she acted like a teenager in love. MY brother left with a few tools only. It has been 8 months since we have seen her. I am the only one who talks to her. She mailed my brother a letter apologizing for what she had done in December...he didn't respond, she sent his son a monetary gift in December..and was upset that my brother didn't call and thank her, she recently told me to come visit and bring my brother with me and I told her he probably wouldn't come. I spoke with my brother last night and he informed me that my stepmom sent him a letter telling him that "he is greedy and he should see a counselor because he needs help that he can't forgive and get over it"...I don't know how to handle this...I am upset with her and she hurt my brother and went against my dads wishes and she thinks that because she apologized in a letter that all should be forgiven and forgotten. What does she want from my brother? It doesn't change the fact that she kept what was not hers to keep and took it with her to her new mans house{the tools my father wanted my brother to have) She thinks because she gave him some tools it is like she made such a sacrifice. She said she wanted the tools because it made her feel like my dad was still with her. She said she did 90 percent of what my father wanted. She keeps talking about being greedy and us making an ass out of her. We didn't do anything..we never asked for anything..the only thing we knew was that my dad wanted his son to have his guns and tools and that he left her everything monetary so that she could stay in their home and we knew the plan was that after her death it would pass to us kids but she for some reason chose to sell the house (basically liquidate) and move in with basically a stranger and hour away. My brother even bought my fathers truck. He also had a Harley Davidson that was only a year old and she sold it without even offering for one of his children to buy it. He also had a pool table and sold it. She sold many things and never offered for us to buy it...she said she couldn't afford to give it away and she did't feel right selling it to us. What makes me laugh is she got the home which she sold for $180,000 and she inherited $90,000 in life insurance, and there was $90,000 in cash that we know of and she is collecting almost $600 a month from his pension, and she sold stocks...who knows what else there was. So just tell me who is the greedy one here and was she wrong not to give my brother his tools and is it enough that she wrote a letter and said "I am sorry"? She can't seem to face us? She says she is sorry and then she sends him a letter telling him he is greedy and needs help. She caused this mess..all she had to do was give my brother the tools and everything would have been one would be mad or hurt. How can I go see her when she hurts my siblings like this..What should I say to her?

What can you say to her? It sounds like nothing you say will change her mind. Maybe a last ditch effort would be to write a letter to her explaining everything you have said here, have each brother or sister sign it before sending, and wait for a reply. If there is no reply, it's time to let go and move on. To be blunt, your father should have made sure that his wishes were followed by making a will. I know that it is extremely hard to do, but at some point you have to make a decision to walk away for your own sanity, and health. Your father would not want his kids going through this over his posessions.

Good advice. Also, attend a grief support group or private therapy to help you deal with your father's passing away. The sooner you and your siblings move past this the better off you will all be. Make one more effort as suggested, then let go and move on. Holding on to this can destroy your health and cripple you all emotionally.