To Seperate or Not - FamilyEducation
To Seperate or Not
06/19/2009 at 18:39 PM

Well, I have a question. I have been married for 10 yrs - all normal work money for spouse and I has been joint and has paid all our bills. We have had many losses in the past few years - 2 miscarriages and a Full term loss - to which 3 wks later I caught him cheating on me. My spouse has tried for years to get a business up and running and it has paid for itself in years past, but this year it is not and we are now using "our" money to pay his rent, utilities, truck payment, credit card payments that have nothing to do with our family - so to speak (no bills we ran up). When he does side work - he feels he should keep all the money to put back into the business - so why is our joint regular money paying for it then? Our kids have a home, are fed, have clothes but nothing extra, nor do I - at all - actually am hurting from it. I take care of the kids ALL the time and work 25 hrs a week and they are with me then too. We don't have money for us to go out, we don't share the same bed, we don't talk like friends - but he thinks nothing is wrong? I feel like I have either 100% grown out of loving him, or I may just not know how to love because of the losses I may have put up a berrier (?). Either way, after the funeral for our daughter - and his cheating, we sold our home and have been renting since. This landlord took all the money and never paid the mortgage so it is in strict foreclosure - his family said us 5 could move into their home and try to save, but I but heads with the mom - and really don't think that would be such a hot idea - not sure if this is the time to find my own place with the 3 kids and seperate from spouse until he finds a way to either make the business run, or finds a way to pay for it without it effecting the rest of us and hope he finds the fire again between the two of us, or if I should bite the bullet, move in with in-laws and save as much as I can and see what happens? Oh and if WE decide to find another rent - we can't afford it because we are paying for the garage plus the truck plus all the credit cards he rang up. HELP Watched the kids tonight play in the yard we have been in for 10 yrs, and cried my eyes out - that this will be there last summer here. We can't get a mortgage (I certainly can't with my little 1400 month income, and the mr. is on workmans comp now).

Many people, my husband included, are unrealistic and/or irresponsible about money. Is this enough of a reason to separate? Only you can make that decision. Since you are asking for help/advice in your situation as stated by you, move in with your in-laws, and save money so you and your husband can work on the goal to get your own place for your family. Also, get financial planning counseling for you and your husband so you can get out of the financial bind you are in and he can learn to make wise financial choices. Good luck!

Wow, tough situation. I'd like to say separate b/c your husband doesn't seem very sensitive to all you've been through together, especially since he cheated on you. Financially speaking, if you cld make it on your own, I wld do it. Do you have anyone to help you out w/ the kids? Have you tried to apply for aide? It sounds like emotionally you have detached yourself from this man, and I can understand why. If you get to the pt of wanting to work out your relationship, I wld seriously consider counceling. You can obtain this from your local church or clinic, if you can't afford to pay for private services. I truly feel for you and the kids. I can only hope that things get better for you in the long run. Take care of yourself.

If I were in your situation, I would plan my exit. I belive you should do a legal separation in order to get some financial help from your husband. You can have part of his worker's comp directed to you so you can pay rent and feed the kids. You might consider looking for a full time job as well. It may seem like a great struggle right now and it will be, but not forever. In the long run, you will have more control over your life. Your problems are not just that your husband is financially irresponsible, he is also selfish and has dishonored you and the family. If you stay, then you need to make some HUGE changes.