this is ridiculous! pls help - FamilyEducation
this is ridiculous! pls help
11/30/2009 at 07:19 AM

Hi - this is going to be a bit long.
Background story - we're married for 3 years, have a 2 year old daughter, and live with my in-laws (MIL and FIL). My brother inlaw (let's call him John) and his wife (let's call her Jean) are planning to move out of the country, so they rent an apartment. now they have rented the apartment in our building right below us.

They come to have dinner with us every single evening after work, and every weekend a few times a day during the weekends. They bring nothing with them, even for the child. (a single candy once a week would be just great!)
Now the main story - yesterday my MIL had made a tasty chicken dish. in the afternoon Jean and John called from their apartment below us and called us for a cup of coffee. The reason - Jean's parents had come to visit them.
As the baby couldn't go (they apartment is cold, and the baby is coughing), so we decided that I and my husband won't go either, so only MIL and FIL went. MIL took approx. 1 kg apples with them, as it's not comfortable to go without anything (in their case it's ok if they don't even bring a single chewing gum for my baby). In the evening (they're still there) I decided to make fried potatoes for my husband, baby and me. I started peeling, then MIL came in with Jean, saying "Uh, we came to take the chicken dish downstairs to serve Jean's parents, as her dad is a bit sick and we don't want him to be close to the baby, thus they can't come upstairs. So i'm taking the dish downstairs." OK. She took the sidh, as well as a ton of vegetables and cheese, and plates (Jean said she has only 2 plates, as they hardly eat at they home, anyways). AND, MIL also took bread (In my country we don't eat anything without bread - bread is the most important thing on the table.) She looked into the bread-drawer, then looked at me as I was peeling the potatoes, and took the bread. They left. I went to the bread-drawer, opened in and saw that there was left only one single small, tiny piece of bread.
I told my husband that I wonder what his mother was thinking of? taking our bread downstairs, when she saw we were going to have dinner soon. Besides, right below our building there's a market, and John could buy a bread for they dinner. My husband started to SHOUT at me, crying things like "What are you talking about? She didn't do it on purpose! You're acting weird! "
I told him, that she saw we're going to have dinner, as well as we don't have another bread there, and yes she didn't do it on purpose, she just doesn't respect us a tiny bit, at least she could have asked us if we were going to have some of the bread. He shouted "Maybe you didn't deserve it, thus she didnt leave the bread for you!"
I'm double shocked. First, I am shocked because of his mother's act, and second, I'm verrry shocked of my husbankd's response. Doesn't he have a self-respect? He called me a bad daughter in law. And he said "whatever i hated most, fell on my head!"
well, i don't really undersand what he's thinking. He thinks it's ok if we're disrespected, and it's not ok if i tell him we're being treated unrespectfully?
I cried at night, and he was "asleep", so didn't hear anything. in the morning he said "I love you", just like that... i looked at him and shrugged. then he went to work. then i went to work. then he called me and invited to go somewhere together on saturday. now he called me and asked whether i was hurt. I said yes, and he said "Why?". I said you know the answer i think. And you know what he said? "Instead of me being hurt, you are hurt?! So you still think you were right yesterday, huh?" now i'm triple shocked. I was hoping he had thought overnight that he was wrong and wanted to apologize, but.... I said i am at work and don't have time to discuss it over again. and he said "eh, it's useless to speak with you. you start arguing again"
Please help me. what's going on?! I hate all his relatives, because they make us fight all the time...
so sorry it was so long.

Living with in laws can be very difficult, especially when you are newly married. You have posted before with similar issues. Your situation will only improve when you choose to change your mind set. Your s-i-l is under no obligation to bring a gift when she visits. Your m-i-l is under no obligation to leave bread for your meal. As you said, there is a market right below where your husband could have purchased bread for your family. While your feelings are understandable, for the stability of your marriage, you must learn to keep the negative comments to yourself. Your husbands statements to you, while hurtful, could have been avoided if you had chosen not to point out the obvious to him. These are his parents and you, your husband and daughter are living with them while you save money to move into a home of your own. Try to keep your comments in check so your husband does not feel like he is being forced to take sides. Accept his form of apology and move on. If you choose to hold onto your resentment your marriage will suffer. For the sake of your husband and daughter, tolerate the slights and lack of manners. When you have your own home, you and your husband will be able to live the way you choose.

Dear 2xstepmom, Thanks a lot for the advice. I accept everything you have said, except the following: "Your m-i-l is under no obligation to leave bread for your meal. " I forgot to mention that I and my husband are the only ones who provide financially for the entire family (including mil and fil). Mil doesn't work, and fil works but keeps all his money to himself (gathers his money under his pillow and doesn't even spend a single penny to buy something for the family.) They both live by my and my husband's money. And we buy everything for them - including clothes, shoes, even we gave money to MIL so that she could go to a dentist and make ALL OF HER TEETH!! And in this case, mil IS obliged to leave some bread which I have bought by my own finances, at least she could have asked whether we needed 2 pieces of bread before taking all away. Well, anyways, I follow your advice and try not to pay much attention to them..... Thanks again

I would like to give my opinion. Although, you may be living with them, they should still show you and your family respect, as long as you are contributing. There is obviously more to it than "bread". You just need to find the positive in the situation and focus on that.