Relationship with my mom
07/23/2011 at 23:15 PM

I am 17 yrs old and I know that at my age my relationship with my mom is never going to be perfect. That said I am going to try and be as objective as possible. I love my mom but I have always wanted a mom that was my friend. I know that it is probably impossible to be friends with the same person that punishes you because you can't talk to them in the same free way.

My mom's mom dies when she was very young so my mom never had a role model for how to raise my brother and I. I try to remember this but its not always easy. My mom holds on very hard to her old fashioned beliefs of how kids should act. When her dad said jump, she said how high (that kind of thing). This means that when she says jump and I say why? she takes it as a sign of disrespect. My mom did not grow up in a wealthy family but my dad became very successful after they married. As a result my brother and I are given things that my mom never was and no matter how grateful I am, I think she sees me as spoiled.

I know the way I see the world is far from perfect too. When I get mad I lose perspective because my emotions cloud my judgment and I tell myself that specific actions show some bigger problem that I have a write to be angry about. More than anything else, I am afraid of disapproval. I constantly need to seek approval, especially from my mom. Knowing or even suspecting that she doesn't approve of something I've done eats away at me and I cannot focus on anything until I feel that I've fully one that approval back. I also have a very long memory for things that I feel/felt were injustices to me that were never righted. Some of these are real others are petty. The problem is that because I never forget these things I have build up a resentment for my mom. I can't let these things go partly because of my personality and partly because I'm scared of how my mom reacts when I get mad.

Another problem is that my mom is undeniable neurotic, and I think because of my need to win everyone's approval I am very easily influenced. The point is that her being neurotic transfers to me. I don't like being afraid to do normal teenage things (not like drinking, drugs, and sex) but the way my mom sees the world has made me see danger in nearly everything. I don't want to turn into my mom but not seeing the world her way only results in her disapproval(she sees the way I see the world as a sign of my immaturity and rebellion), and I can't deal with that.

I don't want to see the world how she does but I can't handle knowing that she doesn't approve either and I don't want to hold all of this anger against her but I can't figure out how to move on. I guess I was just wondering if anyone had some advice.

I think it would be helpful to vent to a professional about your anger over the sex-play incident. Has the personnel at the boys' school been notified? I understand that your daughter was the most recent victim, but your stepsons have also been violated.

Realize that if you can put the emotion into perspective it will be much better for your daughter. If you obsess over this, it will make it a bigger trauma for her. Kind of like ripping the bandage off of an injury every 1/2 hour to see if the wound is healing.


But here's a question. Why would your BF have a child with a woman who did not like his children? You have signed up for a lifetime with this man whether you remain with him or not. For the rest of your baby's life, this man is his father. These boys are his half-brothers. They only get to visit their dad. If you leave him, your son will also just be visiting. How very sad.