Real Wisdom Needed - FamilyEducation
Real Wisdom Needed
06/04/2008 at 22:17 PM

I am trying to analyze what makes me insecure in my romantic involvements when I am otherwise an accomplished, confident person.   I read about a study showing  that those who were especially prone to insecurity in their love relationships were usually the product of one or both parents who were rejecting, indifferent, or inconsistent in their demonstrations of affection.  I know that I definitely experienced more than my share of rejection in my childhood.  The thing I can't quite grasp is why I clearly recognize this and yet still struggle with it.  I want to know what I can do to be released from my past.  I pray about it, but I think I need some kind of self-confidence training.  I have been able to overcome some big emotional obstacles in my life.  I remember when I could not stand to hear the word "daddy" and I refused to allow my children to call me "mommy" ... I remember when I used to set out to hurt a man in a romantic friendship .  I felt like men only wanted to use me, but never really wanted to love or help me out in life.  After a time of experiencing true kindness, I genuinely changed my thinking and now I know that some men are good and some are not.  I also came to terms with the "daddy" thing... I recognized why it felt anger and disgust at the word and eventually came to feel no different about the word than any other.  So why can't I experience the comfort or being truly loved???   He truly loves me and yet I don't trust his love... Consciously I know it, but subconsciously I doubt it.

I agree that you need to find a good therapist to help you sort through these feelings. I totally understand how you cld put a wall up and push people away (even the good people), if you had a difficult upbringing. It's a defense mechanism to keep yourself from getting hurt. You have to realize, though, that not everyone has bad intentions, and there are sincere people out there. You have to learn to trust again. It's good that you realize this-- (that's the easiest part!). Once you can let down that wall and learn to deal w/ your feelings, you can become more accepting of others and their actions. You can't avoid every hurtful situation, and often you learn from these experiences. You may find that there is something you can do for yourself to help you cope w/ these situations better. Don't worry so much about other people's actions. Focus more on how you can better handle these situations. Also, be sure to instill these things in your children. That's very important for their future relationships as well. You can't expect to find happiness w/ anyone else, if you're not happy w/ yourself. Once you can accomplish that, the rest will come easy. I hope you find the peace you are seeking and the happiness you deserve.

Do you think your love interest can find someone better than you? Everybody is different and you have qualities that no other person has. You need to build a general sense of self-worth without comparing yourself to other people. Yes, other people can be better in doing certain things but this shouldn't hinder you from being the best that you can be. Write down everything you think is good about you; why would a man benefit from being with you. Appreciate yourself and refrain from comparing yourself to others. You can also buy books about self-esteem. Hang out with the friends who appreciate you and build you up. If this stuff does not help then seek couseling.