Out of options
12/15/2010 at 09:46 AM

My mom is older and is currnetly going through rehab for a knee and hip surgery. I moved in with her about a 3 years ago when she started have problems with her health, to be able to help her out.

About a year and a half ago my brother and his son moved in with us, due to finacial issues. My brothers son is 18yrs old, he doesn't work and he's not going to school to get training of any kind, he basically is doing nothing with his life and has no plans to so. He doesn't help out in anyway, not with bills or even doing stuff around the house.

Here is some background that will help understand my problem a little better:

I'm very protective of my mom. About 6 yrs ago I went to my moms house one to find her crying, when I asked her what was wrong, she said that her and my brother had been arguing again, he was living with her at this time also, he was in the middle of going through a divorce. They haven't ever really seen eye to eye. So basically the argument was bad enough that I called my brother and told him to pack his stuff and get out.

When my brother got to the house, things got heated pretty fast. My brother threatened to kill me and began pushing me, telling me to stay out of it, it wasn't my problem. This lead to us not talking for a year and a half. My brother sent me a letter apologizing for everything he had done and said.

Then about a year and half ago, they moved in. Here is my problem. My nephew doesn't do anything, he has friends over all the time, and doesn't clean up after them. I have turned the basement area into an apartment, this is my space that I pay rent and help my mom pay the house bills. My nephew and his friends are always down in my apartment watching tv and he never has asked if i didn't care. Not only that but they invade my moms space too. When I told that he needed to start telling me when he was going to have his friends over, he told me he did he told his dad. But again I told him that I wanted to know, so he needed to tell me. He also has his girlfriend over all the time and they always are in my space.
My mom will be coming home soon and I worry that all these people won't be good for her.

When I have said anything in the past about him helping out he does stuff for maybe a day and then goes back to his old ways.

I haven't talked to my brother about it because of our history so I try to be extra careful about what I say to him, because he has a temper and you never know whats going to make him mad. Please help, any advice will be welcomed. Just keep in mind that my brother and I's relationship is strained, so I'm unsure of how to go about confronting the issue.

Note: I have submitted this for a friend of mine who is has asked me for my advice on what he should do. When I couldn't think of a good solution for him, I decided to submit this to see what others thought about it. Also I didn't mention before but my friend has cerebral palsy, he has a very mild case, it only affects the left sid of his body. I'm very concerned that he my be taking on to much with cleaning up after his nephew and trying to take care of his mom when she comes home. His brother works crazy hours and is unable to really help much, but does what he can. Please help, he is getting desperate. Thank you.

Would any of the grandparents be willing to take over rearing your son?

cid
25726

Your b/f has major issues that need to be addressed before you can consider this relationship to be "serious". All children deserve unconditional love. You and your son deserve better than this. How can you stay in any kind of a relationship with someone who "does not like" your son?

You ask, "What can I do?" You can get out of this relationship and do right by your son, your child should be more important to you than any boyfriend.

cid
25727

Your son is the most important person in your life and needs your love and support to get through the trauma of losing his Daddy. If your boyfriend really cared for either of you he would or should be making a big effort to help both of you. I hate to say it but you need to ditch him and make a good life for you and your son at the moment. If your boyfriend really cares he will wait at the sidelines and be there for you eventually when the time is right. Please do this for your small son. He deserves it.

cid
25850

Your son needs understanding and attention not to be disciplined for expressing himself the only way a 3 year old knows how. This new man of yours does not understand what it is to love a child unconditionally. Did you think he was going to tell you he does not like children when he knows you have a son? This guy is not bothered by your sons’ actions; he’s bothered by your son’s existence. With your son in his way, boyfriend does not get the attention he wants, when he wants it. What man looks at a helpless 3 year old that has suffered the loss of a parent and disciplines him for wanting his mothers’ attention? If you decide to stay with this guy you can expect there to always be tension between him and your son, and you can expect to watch as your son feels like an outsider in his own home. The question of “What can I do?” depends on how much you’re willing to sacrifice your son’s needs for your boyfriend.

cid
25853

Mayamay, I'm usually against handing over kids to grandparents when there is a capable, and fit parent able to raise the child. In this instance, if mom decides to stay with the BF, I think it is what would be best for this child.

cid
25859