Nosy MIL - she makes me hate her - urgent help needed please!!! - FamilyEducation
Nosy MIL - she makes me hate her - urgent help needed please!!!
07/10/2009 at 06:40 AM

Hi there,
My MIL is the worst thing in the world! Ok, let me start:
I live with my in-laws, and i also live within 10 minutes' walk from my parents' home. So every morning 8:30 am, when i take my daughter out for a walk or to the swings and slides, we go to my parents' home for half an hour or sometimes for an hour. But i don't tell my MIL or husband about it, i tell them we're outside because: 1) MIL doesn't need to know what i'm doing with DD and whatever i'm doing in general (she doesn't have any rights towards me!), and she is AWFULLY JEALOUS of my parents, because dd loves them more than MIL and FIL, 2) my husband may think it's too much to visit my parents every single day (but i'm doing this because my parents and sister get HAPPY seeing me and my daughter every day, and making them happy makes ME happy), besides, my husband is at work and very unsuspecting.
So, today i'm at my parents' apartment with dd again, and MIL calls on my cellphone. I go to the balcony (so that outside noise is heard), and she asks me where we are.
MIL: "Where are you?"
Me: "Walking in the neighbourhood. Why? Has something happened?"
MIL: "No, ....(doesn't know what to say)... just... when you come back home, buy some milk, ok?"
ME: "Oh, all right."
MIL: "But exactly where are you taking a walk right now?"
Me: "In the neighbourhood, as always (annoyed tone)".
MIL "OKay" and we hung up.
Later i return enter the small store in front of our building with DD to buy the milk, and the saleslady tells me that my MIL had already bought it (!!!!). So we went home.
MIL: "So where were you walking? I was in ZZZZ(changed name) and didn't see you (ZZZZ is the part of negihbourhood where my parents' apartment is).
Me: "Oh, maybe during the time you were in ZZZZ we weren't in ZZZZ, instead maybe we were in XXXX (another part of the neighbourhood (our neighbourhood is really big).
MIL: "but why didn't you tell me exactly where you were when i called you? I was out shopping and wanted to meet you and see DD"
Me:"If you wanted to meet us, you could say so, and we'd meet. But as far as i remember, you said you wanted me to buy milk, which, by the way, the saleslady told me you had already bought!!"
MIL (doesn't know what to say)"Y-y-y-yes,... i bought the milk"
Me: "So, what's the problem?"
MIL walks away.
I'm sure she's going to spy on me or follow me tomorrow when i take dd to my parents' house. I am planning not to answer my cellphone when she calls tomorrow when i'm there. but i'm not sure i can tolerate this any more. And i can't vent to my husband, because he doesn't know it all, and i don't want him to know, because he'll not let me visit my parents every day during the time which is supposed to be DD's outside time.
I HATE HER. why is she meddling with my life! what does she want from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please anyone out there, help me.....

OK, Kara, so you live with your inlaws. Your mil doesn't take you seriously as an adult because of this. Try having a conversation with your husband in which you come to an agreement that you should have equal time with your parents. Point out that your daughter does not need the stress that all this conflict is causing to you both. This negative situation is going to affect your daughter in a negative manner unless you get this out in the open and come to a positive resolution. Good luck!

I have an expectation that the people who live in my house will let me know where they are going. This is just common courtesy. What if there were some sort of disaster--fire, explosion, HOSTAGE taking-- and I did not know where the people who were staying with me were at?

Acitez, you can’t be serious. If there is a fire, and they are not home, that’s a good thing. When was the last explosion or hostage taking in your area? Kara, you need to take control of your life, and stop allowing your MIL to intimidate you. Where you take your child, and who you are with is none of her business. Stop lying to her and just tell her the truth. You are creating some of the problem here by lying to her. 2XStepmom made a great point when she said that your daughter does not need the stress that this conflict is causing. You and your child have every right to go and visit with your family. Why is she meddling in your life? The answer is simple, you allow her to do so. You allow her by being under a certain amount of her control just by living there, and you have yet to truly stand up for yourself. All too often people get hung up on the question of why. When you ask the question of “Why” you are not in control. You are looking for an answer that will offer no solution. When someone is overstepping their boundaries with you and your child there is no need to look for understanding as to why they do this. The only thing you need to do is begin to take control back. Set clear and distinct boundaries, and stop lying to her, not for her, but for your own sanity. If your husband has a hard time with this, maybe he wasn’t ready to leave home and raise a family.

Memorial Day weekend 2009 there was an accidental fatality in the campground where we were staying. If we had not been aware of the locations of each of our family members and guests (which we were able to quickly verify), we might have been subjected to unnecessary extreme distress, as was another family camping near us. They became aware of the fatality, and were unable to locate a family member for several hours. I needed the information only once in thirty years. It is common courtesy.

Was the fatality due to a natural disaster, hostage taking, or explosion? As an adult, I take care of myself, and I thank people to mind their own business when it comes to what I do, or decisions I make. In return I give the same respect, it is common courtesy. Kara does not need to check in with her MIL nor does she need to tell her MIL of every move she makes, especially when that info will only be used to cause more conflict in the house she lives in.

i read what you wrote and im sorry but it just sounds crazy to me ,you need to take control you are not a child so stop allowing people to treat you this way ,as for your parents they have as much right to see you and your child as his do you live with them so tell them that they can see the child all they want what is wrong with a visit with your parents everyday i have the answer not one thing ! as for the husband not allowing you to visit your parents when you want can i say " what "let me repeat this " what" !im sorry but getting married does not mean you can tell someone how much they can do something (unless it is harmful)and seeing your parents i would hardly say that is harmful .your mother in law needs to know you are a adult let her know that you will not tell her everything as if you are a child by living in her home you must show respect but no where does it say you must get her ok on your life .i would have already told her im not sure why you havent ,i would move out as soon as i can i would not allow my child to be raised in a home with a " control freak " if your husband will not allow you and your child to see your parents when you want then as they say "the apple did not fall far from the tree " i hate that lame saying but it seems to fit this life you have going on in this house "please learn to stand up for yourself and child before you get driven crazy " i wish you luck !!! be strong and dont let them back you down if the way she is treating you were right it would not be bothering you this much ...

hi all , thank you all very much for the responses. When i leave the house often (go to my parents' house, to the playground, downtown, etc) it seems to my husband that i am "running away from the house, and try not to help MIL with housework and chores", he also thinks that "i don't accept the house as my home", and he is more than right. I've never felt home here. he just doesn't want to believe that all this turned out this bad for me and our family. We do plan to move out, though i think it will take 2-3 years, as my husband doesn't want to buy or rent apartment, he wants to buy earth and build a house,which will take longer :-( but my husband wants to get away from them more than me. I think he's kind of afraid of his parents, especially his mom, as she has been a gestapo (discipline freak)in the house when the kids were small. and i believe she has spanked my husband when he was a kid, because he was elder and when his younger brother was born he was only 2, and MIL told me she was sleepless and her mom was ill, and she had to care for her, the newborn was crying nonstop, so she had to put all her anger on 2 year old DH. it is more than unfair. and i think the fear comes from his childhood and he can't do anything about it. And he also thinks his parents are wonderful........ He has asked me to try and not make any conflict until we move out. he just wants to keep our relations good, so that when we move out, we still keep in touch. he insists that his parents like me, they just don't show it. of course i don't believe him. I just try to be patient and not make any conflicts or 3rd world wars in the family, until we move out, for my daughter's and husband's sake. though i always talk back or disagree with them whenever i want to and also i give them instructions regarding caring for my daughter and i'm rather strict with them. it's just getting on my nerves that my family life is like that, even temporarily... this period in my life was supposed to be the sweetest period i think. and now it's not.

Sometimes the things that make the most financial sense are not the right choice. Living with the older generation until you can afford a house may spoil the family relationships, either between his parents and you two, or between the two of you. I would propose moving into a very modest apartment and saving 10 to 20 percent of your income toward your future home.

Acitez, I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU... it's just i can't persuade the same to my husband. he doesn't understand that living with his parents may ruin all our good relationships, if not already ruined. he just doesn't understand that.

So, start being extremely frugal where you are. Eat beans and noodles or rice, drink powdered milk, eat in, buy your clothing and gifts from the thrift store, devise your own entertainment, conserve electricity, use your public library, take advantage of free programs offered by your community. Save at least half of a house payment every month while you pay your fair share of housing expenses and do your fair share of upkeep at his folks' place. And be PLEASANT. Your purpose is to preserve and improve the family relationships while you save for your own place. This will be difficult. I bet you can do it.

Thanks so much. it was really helpful :)