Hi. I'm new to the site, but I'm in dire need of help.
I really like my MIL. I have been with her son for 6 years through college, and we married in Sept, moved 3 hours away, and are planning our wedding ceremony for this July for back home.
My FIL passed away suddenly in May with an advanced form of leukemia. He died 18 days after diagnosis, and was never well enough to receive treatment. He was 54. Obviously, the family has been pretty depressed, especially my husband. He is 25 and was very close to his dad. He lived with them the whole time he was in college. We had parties with his parents there, and they were an avid part of our lives.
We moved 3 hours away for my husband to take a good paying job. His mother has been for a visit a couple of times in the past 4 months we have been away. When my husband talks with her on the phone, she talks about all the things in disrepair at her house and in her yard, and either purposefully or inadvertantly, makes my husband feel guilty to the point that he wants to go home once a month to help her out. We are supposed to be spending the weekends with a realtor finding a house here before our lease is up in 2 months.
Well, I understand that my husband feels guilty because he and his father took care of everything. Now, his mother is struggling to become independent, but every phone call makes her seem more dependent. We are newlyweds! We should be having a wonderful time learning how to live with one another, pick a house to start our life in, plan for our future family...yet we are arguing about his mother again.
Over Christmas, she stayed the Sunday before Christmas til the Friday after. My husband and I both had to work every day but Christmas Day. She said that would be okay, that she would go visit her friends that live in our area. I spent extra money putting the guest bathroom in our apartment together so she would have a nice place to shower. I bought extra shelving and had the maintenence guy put up a nice shower head.
The MIL never showered while we were here. She waited til we were gone, then used our master bath. She also hung out in our bedroom while my husband was waking up from his nap. Am I wrong to have this bother me? I feel as if this was an invasion of our privacy, not just mine. Was she using our shower because my husband told her how great our shower head was? There was no other logical reason in my mind why a guest would not use the guest facilities. I never said anything to my husband at the time. I just let it go.
Then, yesterday, I went to David's Bridal to buy a swatch for my bridesmaids dresses so I could do some matching. I saw that Bed, Bath & Beyond was next door, and I had a gift card...and that's where I got the really nice shower head for the master bath. I used a little of the cash he gave me to put in the bank, but I also used the gift card. When my husband got home and saw it, he wanted to know why I would spend money on something like that that we didn't need. And I told him the truth. "So your mother won't use our shower."
I couldn't believe the look on his face. He was furious, but he's the kind of guy that walks away. He walked outside and slammed the door behind him. A couple of minutes later, he sends me a text message that says he needs time to think and he would be home later. That was at 7. Dinner sat on the stove and got cold. I
thought I should go out too. But being new to the area, and having a very minimum part time job, I knew no one to go visit. So I stayed in. At 9, the text "I'll be home soon" came. At 10:30, I texted to see if he really was coming home. He said he was waiting til the end of the movie at a friend's house. I laid in bed wondering what would happen when he got home. I heard him come in after 11, but he didn't come to bed until around 11:30. I was awake, but laid with my back to his side of the bed. He never spoke to me last night. Nor this morning as he got ready for work. Was it that huge of an offense? All I got was "I love you" before he left.
Do I need to swallow my pride and have an "Everybody Loves Raymond" family fight scene? I try to tell my husband things so maybe he could mention to his mother that something bothers me. Do I need to write her a letter? Or talk to her face to face and risk hurting her feelings? I just don't want to hurt her more while the memories of her husband are still fresh. I'm totally at a loss. Please help!!