Need help with ex and child - FamilyEducation
Need help with ex and child
03/08/2010 at 15:13 PM

Ok here is the situation. Sorry if it seems long but I want to be fair to both side. I fell in love with a younger woman than I approximatly 19 yrs younger. I currently have two older children in there 20's. Anyways we had a daughter together which is now 5yrs old. Due to problems that the mother had in her life she is a recovering addict. She currently has 18mos clean. Our daughter lives with me and I have full custody. She lives in a 3/4 house for recovering addicts. Yes she is doing great going back to school and all.
Now for the problems. She doesnt have a license so has to rely on others to drive her around. She has a male friend (which im sure she has dated in the past) driving my daughter with her around places. She tells me this person has been clean for 9 years. I say so what. I dont feel a 5yr old needs to be going to AA or Na meetings. I dont feel that she should be driven around by people other than family members and should not be around anyone she has or is dating. Any help from anybody on this situation eiter way would be great. I also would like to hear from people that maybe their parents took them to AA or NA meetings and their personnal feelings on it.

Thank you for any and all your help.

This is a hard pill to swallow but the quicker, the better. I also have custody and sole decision making of my children, but when they visit their mother, she makes the decisions for their day to day activities. If the court has granted the mother visitation, then what happens on mom’s time is for mom to decide. Though you may not like this man driving your daughter around, if mom feels he her daughter is safe, that’s mom’s call. As for a former addict driving my kids around, I’m right there with you, I wouldn’t like it at all, but until there is some sort of danger, or you can show that this person poses some kind of risk, you may just be making yourself look bad to the court. As I always say, try to communicate through email as much as possible so you can have a record of what is being said. Always write your letters with the idea that someday a judge will read them. As for the meetings, I have no experience with them I do know that in many of them they smoke quite a bit. Hopefully someone else can give you some advice in that area.

Thanks for your input and sharing thoughts. It is a very hard pill to swallow. As far as her visitation it is very limited I actually allow her to see her child more than the courts gave her. I always hoped by me working with her she would work with me. I dont see that ever happening and now I must live with the situation I have created.. Thanks again

Careful when you go outside a court order. You can create a pattern that the mother could argue that the court should adopt thereby modifying the current order. I would also make it conditional that if you are allowing her to see the child when it is technically your time that she not engage in the activities that you are not in agreement with. If you are going outside of the court order, and she is taking your child with her to the meetings and being around the man you mentioned, it could hurt any argument you have against such things as you are technically allowing it on your time. I hope this makes sense. I am a bit rushed, but wanted to reply.

I've never been to an NA or AA meeting, but I assume they talk about some pretty heavy stuff. I don't think it's appropriate for your 5 year-old to hear descriptions about how a heroin addict hit rock bottom, etc. I'm surprised they even let your daughter in there in the first place. You have to work something out to make sure that scheduled visitation does not coincide with these NA meeting. If it's not during scheduled visitation, then problem solved- don't allow your daughter to go to the meetings... maybe your ex can spend time with her before or after the meeting.