My Girlfriend's Father Only Stopped Inappropriately Touching Her Two Years Ago...But She Never Told - FamilyEducation
My Girlfriend's Father Only Stopped Inappropriately Touching Her Two Years Ago...But She Never Told
05/11/2011 at 07:53 AM

I am in love with this girl who's 19 and she told me her deepest darkest secret this year: someone in her family did inappropriate things to her for so many years--so bad that if she told me what they were "there would be no hope for you and my family". That was the only hint she gave, but I figured it out. The story: When she told her mother the truth, her mother was about to leave him and "looked like she was going to kill him". She hid during the fight but the father only banged on the door and told her to come out and demanded she tell the truth. Then he took her outside for a walk and explained that if she wanted the family to stay together she had to lie. And she did. Her mother had a hard time trusting her for a while ever since. The family's fine now, as if it never happened--but that's the problem. And I know how it still affects her. And I thought I could handle the truth since I had figured it out--I thought he DID change. I thought he was cool--I always did before I found out. But no. He has flaws of a father/husband that should remove him from the family picture. The family can do without him. But she has to depend on him to pay for her college tuition. And I think that's what holding her back from telling. She says she loves her family and it made their family stronger. I told her her family's in denial: her brother knew he was doing it to her since they were kids, but didn't help her. He didn't do anything. Instead, when she tried to tell the truth, the brother lectured her and blamed the family's ruin on her. Sometimes I believe the mother KNOWS she wasn't lying because ever since she's been depressed and has been marital problems with her husband. Ever since, the father has gone to therapy. What pisses me off is that his therapist knows what the husband did and has to keep it confidential. My girlfriend and I have been going out for a long time and I plan on being with her longer. And I want to tell...but it would ruin my girlfriend. I'm the only one who knows the truth, besides her dad. Her mother will never now, her brother will never know, even her best friend. No one knows but me, and I told her sometimes I wish she had told her mother instead of me, who deserves the truth.........I fell into depression knowing this, but I've been coping. My girlfriend is aware of my strong hatred toward her father, so she's adapted to my need to leave the house if I'm in there too long. But...........the only thing that's holding me back is that I might lose my own girlfriend if I told the mother. And knowing the father, who I think is a sick and dangerously inner-natured man, I fear the worst if the truth got out.....I dunno what he'd do. I dunno what the mother would actually do....I don't know if it'll endanger the one I love.....I can't stand being near him anymore and seeing him interact with her. She told me he promised her "he won't ever do it again"--but the fact that he DID is unforgivable itself. There are no second chances. What happened to her was NOT her fault, but how she reacted IS because.........it's not right. It's not right to live in denial. I watch this every time I'm in that house--this family is living in denial....

He probably won't offend against her again. He is probably assaulting younger girls. There was nothing special about her that made her his only victim. Call the police today, tell them what happened and that you are concerned that there are other victims. Then followup in about 3 weeks with a call to the state attorney general to make sure that the police are doing a serious investigation.
cid
26875

She might have to work for a few years and pay her own tuition. It isn't the end of the world. If she refuses to cooperate with a police investigation, you are much better off finding another woman to love. Report him before you consult with her.
cid
26876

He's a father who believes he has every right to do whatever he wants regarding the family--he believes he has all the control over what happens WITHIN his family. He's not going after other victims, I know that. He cares about his family in a way that could be viewed as love, but also control.....So I doubt he has victims. And I can't call because then I lose my girlfriend and who knows what could happen within that family. I need him to make another wrong move--not necessarily touch my girlfriend again--but a move that gives me the reason to call on him.....Besides, I told my girlfriend to PROMISE me she'd let me know if he did it again.....Other than that, this is a family issue that only SHE can really fix. It happened to her, she's in control of what happens next, and I can't do anything about it until I have a good reason to....I only asked for help wondering what people would say BESIDES calling on him.
cid
26877

I will NOT abandon her to that asshole, no matter how much pain I'm in. Don't worry. She and I argue about this all the time. I always tell her what happened to her isn't her fault but what happened after that was totally in her control. She believed she did the right thing to keep her family together. I told her "family doesn't do that to family!" She won't listen....I agree. The best I can do is ensure she gets a job to pay her tuition/financial issues. The best I can do is get her out of there because calling won't work; she loves her family, it would only hurt her and I would lose her. Because her family financially and emotionally relies on her and only her, not her brother, I need her to get away from them so she doesn't have to feel as much obliged to taking care of them. Then, she won't be as influenced by him. He always tries to influence his children, but she's too smart for that and has already started drifting away from him. It's the best I can do.
cid
26878

He's a predator. People who molest are least likely to molest their own children, he is also victimizing other children. If you fail to report, you are complicit, just as she is. She wants to believe in a sick sort of way that she is special. She is not. Read these quotes from various reputable sites The typical offender is male, begins molesting by age 15, engages in a variety of deviant behavior, and molests an average of 117 youngsters, most of whom do not report the offense. One long-term study of hundreds of sex offenders found that the pedophile child molester committed an average of 281 acts with 150 partners.
cid
26879

One study found that around half of the fathers and stepfathers in its sample who were referred for committing extrafamilial abuse had also been abusing their own children. Turn that last quote on its head to analyze it. There is a tabu against incest among child molesters. If a person commits the double crime of sexual behavior with a child who is also his/her child, it is almost guaranteed that there are also unrelated victims. People who offend repeatedly with one victim have almost certainly offended with multiple victims. People don't just magically quit, they only work harder to not get caught. If you fail to report him, YOU share the blame for his next offense. I hope that idea gives you nightmares.
cid
26880

The first thing that needs to happen is reporting the offender. All other healing that might appear to take place is just putting a bandaid on a wound that still has a knife stuck in it.
cid
26881

http://amac.usclargo.com/custom.html for a reading list.
cid
26882

If you don't step up and report this man to the police, then you are not good enough for her. She needs a hero. She has had the courage to survive, the courage to enroll in college, the courage to have a relationship. Someday soon she will develop the courage to report him. But, until she does, he will be molesting some other girl. Don't saddle her with the guilt of one more child molested by this man.
cid
26883

Why is it that you think she "wants to believe in a sick sort of way that she is special"? She is not sick nor does she think she's special....I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say there, I hope it's not literal. He's disabled and has to sit in that house all the time by himself since the mother and daughter use the cars all the time. It can't be that he has gone around stalking when he's so involved with his family....
cid
26884

I'm thinking this over carefully. I can't just call just yet. You don't know him like I do and explaining all of that would take more than thousands of these comment boxes. He's had a dangerous past and is dangerous in mind. I was thinking...when she visits me during this summer I will talk to her and tell I'm calling on her father....so she's safe and out of way. But her parents, once again, are financially struggling so that may or may not happen. I have a free jetblue card given to me as a gift that could take her out of there, but it depends on their permission to let her. I also told her, since she's miserable right now, that she IS an adult and bring herself up here anyway.... but I'm afraid how the father would react if she tried to leave......I'm figuring this out.....but you're right, your comments scare me....
cid
26885

If he is truly housebound and no children ever come to the house, he is probably not currently offending. I hope your girlfriend will remove herself from that environment. It is not healthy for her to remain in the position she is in. It would be good for you to do some research and reading about survivors of sexual abuse. It is important that you be supportive of her and be careful not to discount her opinions and feelings. That sort of invalidation will poison your relationship and will make her less capable of coming to terms with what she has been through.
cid
26886

He is housebound, not to mention the son--who barely goes to his job just because the business runs slow--is always at home with him. I know his son would never do anything like he did, so I doubt the son is suspicious too. But it's my girlfriend I care about, and I'm sick of hearing of her saying she's going out for lunch with him because I JUST DON'T WANT HIM NEAR HER. I can't do anything when she's over there and I'm here because we live on far ends of the coastline, but we go to the same college in FL. I have to wait till she's safe with me before I do anything rash that could endanger, knowing her father but at the same time not knowing what he could do...My girlfriend and I talk about it once in a while, but when we do, the argument lingers for the day...the best I can do is support her. When she's on her own and not relying on them, I'll report...something like that....
cid
26890

The son might also be an offender. How would you know?
cid
26891

The father's too busy bossing him around to make him clean up the place; the son plays videogames or plays with the dog or hangs with friends, and is still currently trying to get a job....The son isn't like that. My girlfriend knows everything that happens in that house, whether she is there or not. Considering she's a victim, she would have told me if she suspected her brother to be like that. But he's not. The son's trying to be less like his dad. I've had conversations with him where he complains about his dad's attempted influence. The only big harm the brother's done is know about it and not do anything because when they were younger, if the son asked to go to a friend's to play, the father would let him but not let my girlfriend go...for that sick reason. I was traumatized by THAT. I'm more concerned about stopping the influence and that's the father. I can't any moves until he does....
cid
26892

I'm pretty sure that if the son were offending he would not have told you. Your GF does not have the ability to see what goes on when she is not present. If you believe children have been in the house, report. The offender in my family preyed on children even when there were lots of other people in the house.
cid
26893

What I mean is, my girlfriend would have known if there were other victims involved. But it was JUST her. And she would have known if her brother does it too. I doubt there were ever children in that house. Yes, the mother works two full time jobs but she cleans all the time and there would be no evidence. Even if evidence isn't an issue, my girlfriend told me everything she could--she definitely wouldn't have left out if there were other victims. The point is...the father did this to only her. He only cares about her; he won't prey on other children. He tries to talk/lecture her all the time. He wants to control her life. It's all about her whether we like it or not. He promised he wouldn't do it to her again; he is paying her tuition; he has accepted that she is gay; but it won't change the fact that what he did is SICK and I WILL call him when he gives me the reason to. Again, I can't call while she's there. I want her out of that house.
cid
26897

It is very common for each victim to believe that he/she is the only victim. She would not have 'known' if others were being victimized. It would have only come to her attention if someone told her or if she witnessed the crime. This misguided perception that she is all-knowing about what her father and brother do is part of an attempt to have control, and results from her own needs being over-ruled by the predator.
cid
26899

I told my friends about it. We all decided tomorrow one of them will sleep over, and she I together will tell my mother. She will have more authority/control over this than us--she's dealt with this before because there was a predator in our family. We'll see what happens from there. I need power that will support me and she is that support if I can get her to understand I need her help in this. If she loves me, she'll understand I love my girlfriend and need her out of there....
cid
26901

What is the benefit of telling the mother? If there are people in danger, report to the police. Either way, she needs to get the faith in herself to leave. Perhaps telling the mother will get the mother to force her out. I guess that would at least change the dynamic. In some ways, her development slowed or stopped at the age that the abuse started. This is why she is inappropriately dependent on her parents. If she was 7 when the abuse began, then it is like expecting a 7 year old child to leave her mommy and daddy. It is very frightening.
cid
26902

We're telling MY mother about this, in case you didn't see that...And I told you, because I know my girlfriend's father and at the same time I don't know what he'd do, I'm not telling until my girlfriend isn't in that house. Which will be if she can visit me here or when we're back in school. And I'm pretty sure my girlfriend was young when it started because she told me "When my brother wanted to go play at a friend's house, my dad would let him. But if I asked, he wouldn't let me." When she said "played" it sounded like she was a little girl. I'm totally aware that she is/would be frightened to become parentless if she were to have told. She's afraid of making money on her own; she's afraid someone will get hurt; she's afraid that, by admitting the one man she could trust the most isn't trustworthy, that she will be alone. Or blamed. Victimized. I need her with me so I can let her know she is safe with me when I tell. She needs to feel SAFE most of all when I tell.
cid
26903

I have a question. Let's say if I told the mother but not authority and she wanted to deal with it without authority--and she wanted to divorce the husband? Would she get most of the money since she obviously would want to take the kids with her and she would deserve it anyway...? HOWEVER, the husband's deemed 100% disabled by the government...would he get any rights? What would happen? What's the most likely scenario? I just need to know my options if I told just her mother, just for a starting step, OR authority?
cid
26904

Why do you need support to talk to your mother about this? I'm pretty sure I would be among the first opinions my kids would seek, a phone call when the subject first came to light. And I would have told them what I told you. If people are in danger, report to authorities. If not, support the victim, give respect to his/her opinions and feelings. Don't impose YOUR agenda on her. That's just another layer of people who think that their needs should be more important than hers. I really think that the two of you are not a good match. Each of you needs to get a little better integrated in your own personality before you make any commitments. In other words, you are very young.
cid
26905

Ok, I'm asking for safety help, not judgment on whether we match each other or not. She's the one who fell in love with me first, I fell in love back, we make each happy and laugh all the time. We get in arguments about it, sure; I tell her she defends her family in general too much; yes, she gets angry but she understand I'm just trying to help her. Like you said, I can't impose my agenda on her. I realized that already way before you said it and she realizes she's too defensive. She asked me just for my support, and I told her yes. I tried bringing up her past just last night and she didn't want to talk about it, so I respected that. I'm not imposing myself on her. I get protective, but I'm not imposing. I'm learning more about her as we argue--learning more about how to reach out to her and for her to receive me. And telling my mom would get her to understand that I NEED my girlfriend over here; she'll contribute to that. Then I can call on him once she's here.
cid
26906

I still don't get why you need support of a third party to tell your mom about this problem. You've state repeatedly that he is not currently offending, that he's crippled and housebound. So, what's the safety issue? If no one is in danger, it is not your place to tell anyone. That would be taking your GF's responsibility and it would be disrespectful of her. If someone is in danger, it is your responsibility to tell the police. Not her mom.
cid
26907

He was crippled and housebound when he did it to her. I don't KNOW if he's offending, but I don't want the chances of him to do it again. And the fact that he did it should have been reported long ago, even if my girlfriend didn't/doesn't want that. I'm going to call on him once I figure this out. I don't want him near her. By telling my mom I need her here and explaining why, that way she'll definitely help getting her here. Then I'll call. I want her out of there when I do so.
cid
26917

If he doesn't have access to children it is not your place to impose your will on your GF. The only justification for you over-ruling her is if others are currently at risk. If there are children who come to the house, you could tell their parents along with the police. Protecting victims takes precedence over protecting your GF. If you are justified in reporting an active pedophile, call today. Your GF will not make the progress she needs to and will not see your actions as supportive if YOU are the one who seeks justice for her. You would be showing by your actions that you think your desires are more important than hers--just like her father. You sure you want to be in that camp?
cid
26918

You know...it comes to a point where sometimes I think: I don't care anymore. I don't care if she hates me for the rest of my life. I'm not letting a predator get away with this. I'm not letting him near her ever again. I may never see her again. But I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand a girl who can't defend herself and keeps defending the one who hurt her. You have no idea how it's been affecting me.....In your situation, your kids told you. And I dunno what happened since, but I assume your children are safe. But in my situation--in my girlfriend's situation--she hasn't told. You don't her, you don't know him, and you don't know me. You don't know how hard THIS kind of situation is. I'm going to protect her, even if it means losing her.......But that's what I think sometimes. Sometimes I don't want to risk that. Sometimes I try to just be patient and see what other options I can come up with...cuz I told her I DO put her feelings before mine...
cid
26919

It is your choice. You are the person who has been drawn into the situation. However, if you take action just to make it so he 'doesn't get away with this,' then you are wrong, and it will interfere with your GF actually overcoming the problem. It will prove that what you want is more important to you than what she needs. It will prove that she was wrong to trust you with this information.
cid
26920

Think hard about this: the person you love tells you this, in addition that she didn't tell on her own father. He gets away with it. You are forced to engage with this family all the time, knowing what each of them of them did to the one you love: The father raped her, the mother didn't believe her when she lied, even when she should have, and the brother knew but did nothing. Imagine being forced by your own girlfriend to slap a happy face on and interact with them. Imagine watching him hug her and put his arm around her and even doing this thing he calls "Mega-tron" where he pumps her stomach jokingly while she's lying down randomly on the sofa exposing her stomach. Imagine watching it and not doing anything just because she told you to live with it like she did. The problem is that my girlfriend is denying it happened; her whole family. My only wish...is to not hurt her, but to get she and her family to face it and heal together....
cid
26921

She needed me. She wanted someone to know about her and to support her. But she should have also thought/expected that by telling me, she shouldn't have expected me to except a rapist and bystanders as my "family": as my mother-in-law, as my brother-in-law, or especially as my "father-in-law" or "PAPA", as they call him. She should have thought how it would affect me in the long run. I accept her. I accept what happened to her and I accept that it is a part of who she is, as dark as it is. I will not accept to be expected to interact with this family and to let a predator get away with it, especially when he told her to lie to his own wife. I will not accept that. I will tell, sooner or later. But first, she must get out of there. And I honestly think, knowing her, it'd be best if I told her I was going to do it--while she's here--so I'm not going behind her back.
cid
26922

Not your place. If you can't be part of it, tell her that you will be happy to back her up when she is ready to fix it, but that you will not be going over to the house. Ever. Again, the only justification you have for over-ruling her is if there are children at risk. Otherwise, you are taking too much on yourself. Partly because, it is possible that she is making an accusation because she has been traumatized in some other way. You DON'T KNOW! If you don't believe anyone is currently at risk, it is NOT right to bring an accusation. If you do believe someone is currently at risk, it is unforgivable to keep quiet about it. PICK ONE! as for this "Imagine watching him hug her and put his arm around her and even doing this thing he calls "Mega-tron" where he pumps her stomach jokingly while she's lying down randomly on the sofa exposing her stomach." Say "EWWW, that's just weird!" Walk out and never go back.
cid
26924

reporting him is not just your right, it is your responsibility. if you have knowledge of a crime and you don't report it, you are violating a law (not sure if its perjury but its something). also, remember that he might be doing it to someone else by now. she deserves to get some justice for what has happened to her. report him.
cid
26928

You care more about this than she does, otherwise she would have left long ago. mayamay is giving you excellent advice: walk away. Now.
cid
27044

It is clear that you truly love this girl, but every true love comes with a family. In this case, the family sounds truly (and criminally) dysfunctional, and nothing you do will change that. If she is not interested in at least distancing herself from her family, then she is complicit in her abuse. If you can not tolerate "their reality" then you need to walk away. Would you really want to expose your future children to this family? Because the above posters are right, it is the rare molester who molests only one child. Make sure she understands that you love her, but you cannot live her lie - perhaps that will wake her up to the seriousness of the situation. I strongly disagree with everyone saying that you should "tell", it is your job is to encourage her to tell, without a victim who is willing to testify, the police can't do anything anyway, they probably won't even bother to arrest him.
cid
27587

#1: She told you to see if she could trust you AND trust you to love her aside from her secret. #2: She did not tell you so you would "do" something; it is not your place no matter how much you think it is. #3: You are right, you will lose her if you do not keep her secret and her trust; it is her place and hers alone to speak. #4: Maybe you are not what her father is but I assure you, you are not a saint either. Ever talked a girl into sex on the "forever promise" that you are not longer with? Guess what? That is a type of abuse. She cannot get that act back. Maybe you never did this but you've done something (like post your GF's business online?) #5: I know because I was abused. Stay out of it and just support your girlfriend by listenng when and IF she wants to talk. If she wants you to "do" something, she will ask. #6: Let it go or let her go. She doesn't need crap from you, she's been through enough.
cid
28973

"Mayamay" Not everyone falls into neat little boxes. I grew up like this and there were not outside children being assaulted. The author is correct, men like that like to believe they dominate their home and everyone in it completely. Of all the reported cases, there are twice as many that are unreported. You cannot get perfect stats with that huge a lack of information. People that have been in the situation have a better grasp of what is going on there than someone who read a few case studies. To report someone like this for a crime that no one will back up, that there is no proof to, simply causes more family issues and ties the hands of police in the future as the accused can claim harassment. If the girl is not ready, you will destroy any chance she has at all in the legal system (should she ever wish to go that route) because, if pushed, she will deny it, ending all hope of her being reliable ever again. AND perhaps the family really is trying to heal from an awful ordeal.
cid
28974

#3: I never told anyone. She did. It's all over now. That's all that matters. I appreciate the comments and insight, that's why I posted this to get advise (I do want to let you know that it's normal for anyone like me to post concerning things like this, so don't attack me as if I'm the only one). Even though your answers were a little angry, I appreciate your insight. #4: I never expected to be a hero. At first, that's definitely what I was trying to do: save her. But I knew I couldn't. So I backed down. Like the other viewer said, they're right, you still don't know what the situation is #5: I was sexually abused too. That's why it hurt watching him get away with it up till now. #6: I understand she's been through enough, why do you think it angered me? In any case, it's all over. I don't want to see this website anymore. If anyone can tell me how to get rid of this post and my account, please tell me.
cid
28976

REALLY???? According to Dr.Phil an average molester can have between 100 to 400 victims. No child molester has 1 victim that is 100% for sure. And if you two ever have a kid consider it a victim already.
cid
28978

i believe that mayamay is right..if that is the case of her life then it would be better to support her self.. like self-supporing in terms of tuition problems.. { KUNG AYAW MAY DAHILAn, KUNG GUSTO MAY PARAAN } from:
cid
29056

i believe that she should report it and shame on her mother for not doing anything. as a victim of the same thing except it was a family friend my mother found out about me and did nothing as well. it has caused me to have trust issues as i have gotten older. child predators need to be locked away and never let out they are sick and twisted.
cid
29121

Hello, I would like to help if I may have your permission to even make comments/suggestions to your sensitive situation. feel free to check my profile/profession/etc. then let me know if I may help.
cid
29230

One of my closest friends was molested by her grandfather. He was a family man & very religious (a deacon in the church). After she got older, she found out that he had molested OTHER family members (cousins, aunts & even tried her DAD- his own son!). Not only that, but on his way home, he would stop & talk to the neighborhood girls... as the girls got older, they realized that if given 1/2 a chance, he would've probably tried to molest them. Please realize, that molesting a child sexually can be physical &/or visual... showing a child a sex act IS molestation. Pedophiles do NOT discriminate- victims do not have to be in the family- just within their reach.
cid
29686