Mom hates being a mom - FamilyEducation
Mom hates being a mom
12/12/2007 at 09:23 AM

Where to start, 2 kids: oldest is ~3.5 and in the middle of resisting potty training; youngest just turned 1.

My wife does not have the patience for potty training; if my oldest son won't sit on the potty, he'll get a spanking.

If she can't get done what she thinks needs to be done, she'll let the youngest cry in the crib for hours.

Frustrated, she calls me from work - she hates my job due to frequent late nights - to say she "hates being a mom."

She's threatened to leave, nearly did one time, because being a parent takes away from the time for her to do what she wants to do. Sadly, I expect that to happen at some point.

I'm just trying to get us through the potty training with as little stress as possible but am not sure how to proceed. My son often will urinate when sitting, but has not yet defecated in the pot. I'm not even thinking of him staying dry all night.

Any advice given my wife's extreme lack of patience?

Is your wife an at-home mom?  I would suggest that 1.  you don't have any more children, 2.  She get a job if she doesn't  already work, and you put the kids in a day-care that is willing to do the potty-training (good luck on finding one).  3.  She get therapy for her anger issues and if she doesn't, you be prepared to divorce and get full custody with supervised visitation.

cid
2782

  If you even believe a dicorce is in the future, start preparing for it now. Gail has great advice which I just want to  add on to. I would suggest couples coulseling. This will sound sneaky, but is in the best interest of the kids. Couples counseling will get both of you sitting together talking. You can lead the conversation to the topics you feel are the most important. This may be all that is needed to get mom on the road to finding her happy place. If that works and things gradually get better great. If not and you get divorced (the ugly part) subopena the counselors notes and the counselor for a deposition, or at trial. This will expose mom's angry side and could prompt the court to order counseling for mom and for some supervised visits until such time that a counselor feels she can be with the kids alone. This way kids see mom and you dont have to worry about their safety.

 

cid
2784

Additional thought.  Separate vacations.  You let your wife go off to her mom's for a week, or to cancun or whatever, and you take a week off of work and get that kid potty-trained.  Unless there is a medical problem, the child is developmentally ready.  There are good books on potty-training I remember something like potty train your child in a day.   This is in addition too, not instead of, my other advice.  It will make day-care a lot easier to find if a child nearly 4 is potty-trained. 

cid
2785

1) No more kids, 2 was enough even before these problems started.  2) Yes, she is a stay-at-home mom and her getting a job has been a frequent discussion. The cost of daycare has been a prohibitive factor - her earnings would not cover the cost to send 2 kids to day care. 3) Therapy - been there, done that - it doesn't seem to work. Some days she doesn't have the personal fortitude to deal with stress or handle disruptions; some days, she seems to do well and thrives. It's a crap shoot as to which one will surface on any given day.  I come home and be Dad while she does something else to try and collect herself.

cid
2786

If the job-daycare option is considered as a therapy, not an economic choice, the negative cash flow can be considered as an expense instead of an income category.  I know what I mean, it just sounds so convoluted.  Do you know what I mean?

 

cid
2787

That's occured to me (us). Her parents live in a state nearly 1000 miles away. It's just taking a week off for me from my job is frowned on - I can just hear the Blackberry going off the hook.  However, that's what might have to be done once the New Year breaks and new leave is earned. Thanks for all the suggestions; trying to map out what the terrain is and what different scenarios might result.

cid
2788

I've been the angry defensive mom.  I had some effective therapy (it took a couple of tries).  1 of my adult kids has had effective therapy, 1 is just starting therapy, 1 seems to be okay.  My younger 3 kids (after I got my head out) are all pretty sane. 

cid
2789

And right now I have to go because I am baby-sitting my grand-children while my daughter goes to therapy:).  Life is funny.  I have hope for your family.  I hope you do to.

cid
2790

  One other thing to consider since she is a stay at home mom. If you were to divorce you would most likely be paying alimony. If it costs more for her to work than to be at home it may be worth it in the long run. Make sure he has an established means of income before you think of filing papers.

  When you spoke of her parents, am I correct in assuming that you would send the kids there for a while? If this is an option you are considering be very careful. Once the kids are out of your care and out of your state for so long there can be a change in jurisdiction. The grandparents could file for custody, or visitation  stating they have a significant relationship with the kids. I would not suggest this route. This could be costly, both financially, and in regards to the relationship you have with your kids.

cid
2799

And see what you can do about the frequent late nights.  One of the reasons I was angry and defensive is because my husband had a 9 to 5 that was more like 7 to 6, and he also worked many Friday nights and weekends.  He still does, I'm still not happy about it, but being angry didn't do any good.

cid
2800

Is it possible to hire a mother's helper instead of sending the kids to daycare which you said would cost too much? This could be someone to come in and help her do the potty training and give her a break from time to time while she can be by herself to get out of the house or run errands. Or you could have her work and send the kids to a home daycare. Working in the childcare field myself I know most at home daycares charge a lot less compared to what a daycare facility charges and they seem to be more willing to do the potty training due to the lower ratios they have in-home. Good luck. I feel for you and her. My daughter wasn't potty trained till she was about 3.5. It was a struggle but we got through it. 

cid
2831

Okay this is going to be a little tough love okay....

Well i think that you should have not had kids if you didn't know the causes of doing it i also say that you know it is not e-z trying to take care of a child. You need to think about about how you really talk and why because if your children ever heard you talking like that than you know kids are not dum nor retarded they would look at you and like you was something wrong with you kids are not e-z to just take of you can't just have them and then think that you are done no you have to take of them the whole 9 yards!

cid
2839

Okay this is going to be a little tough love okay....
Well i think that you should have not had kids if you didn't know the causes of doing it

No one ever knows what they are getting in to when they have a child. There are so many variables, it is impossible to know.

i also say that you know it is not e-z trying to take care of a child.

The original poster of this never implied that it was easy. But he does realize that one mother CAN take care of two kids, while he works to financially support his family.

You need to think about about how you really talk and why because if your children ever heard you talking like that than you know kids are not dum nor retarded

This father never implied that he said anything negative in front of the kids, in fact it seems that he is the one trying to prevent the mother from doing so. This is why he is here. Your use of the words “dum” (dumb) and “retarded” are offensive even to a non-politically correct person like myself.

they would look at you and like you was something wrong with you kids are not e-z to just take of you can't just have them and then think that you are done no you have to take of them the whole 9 yards!

I think this last part says more about you than I would care to say. It speaks for itself.

Your “tough love” was not tough love at all. Tough love is criticism coupled with advice. You offered no advice for this father. Instead you spoke to him as if he were the problem. Reading comprehension, spelling, punctuation, an attempt at sentence structure, and finally grammar are areas where you should focus that energy of yours. That’s my tough love and advice to you.

cid
2842

Right on single dad. I'm with you all the way on that. These message boards are for support and whilst occasionally some constructive criticism may be necessary, we should be thinking of positive ways to help each other. If we can't think of anything positive to say, we should keep quiet. 

cid
2847

I'm not a pill pusher, but could your wife have post partem depression? Because she sounds very familiar to me. My husband was on my case about my lack of patience some days, I was so overwhelmed with being so tided down and resentful of his "freedom" Even though he was working, he was still away from the home and interacting with others.

 

Why not ask her "Hey...let me take the kids for a few hours and you go out and have lunch with a friend?" Because if my husband would have offered that, things would have been easier. Not to put the onus on the husband, but a couple of hours here and there away from the house and kids would have been heaven.

 

And don't let the divorce thing scare you, it's most likely just her emotions talking. Been there too. I ended up putting my two toddlers in daycare two days a week. I joked with my husband "It's cheaper than a divorce."

 

Good luck!

cid
3246

Wow, a lot comes to mind. I don't think there's space for it all however. First off, amen and amen to everything -but especially his last post- that Sngldad had to say. Other than that, the only thing I can come up with is that potty training should be a positive time. For 16 years, I operated an in-home daycare so I could stay at home with my children. I used to joke that I potty trained half the county where I live. My first experience with potty training was with someone else's child. They requested I spank for mishaps. I couldn't do it. I washed and dried their little girl's clothes before they came to get her. Not one time in the last 20 years was punishment ever useful when it came to potty training. This is what worked for us. Ignore the mistakes, reward his successes. Try calling him during the day to encourage him. I am completely at a loss as to how to encourage you about your wife. If she is suffering from postpartum depression (which is very, very real and serious) then get her help, but the bottom line is this - a child left in a crib to cry for hours is neglect. Period. I would like to be sympathetic but I cannot. I'm very sensitive about that as we adopted a little girl who endured the same thing and because of it, developed some serious problems. I know I'm going to offend someone here by my attitude and I don't mean to but  I've always been a stay-at-home mom. I have homeschooled my kids for the last 10 years. I have 9 children. If I can do it - anyone can! I am not super mom, super human, or super anything else. I make mistakes and plenty of them but when the going gets rough, I don't have my children's permission to fall apart. I'm not allowed to whine about my life - that's my two year- olds job! Sure, I would love some adult female interaction in my life. I would love some time to myself.  But at the moment, my children need me and that's all that matters. Therefore, my only advice concerning her is this - where she is lacking you must take up the slack for their sake. There's no sense looking back at what should have been done but look towards what needs to be done. There has been some good advice given to you from the other people on here. I would ponder everything carefully.  Hang in there.   

cid
3343

I potty trained 3 boys... IT WAS HARD the first two times!!  I was a young mom and I REGRETFULLY punished my second son for soiling himself.  It took me 10 times longer to potty train him than it did my youngest son.  How to potty train books are helpful and I suggest you pick one up for your wife.  I also suggest that you have a talk with her and tell her you don't want her to hit the kids for accidents.  If she is reasonable, and just overwhelmed, you can do so much to help her.  You can get her a helper, encourager her to get a job, call her throughout the day to offer encouragment, place the kids in daycare only a few hours per week etc. 

 

BUT if she is not reasonable and she hates being a mom and she keeps telling you she hates it you should step in and take over.  I have read  stories where moms get overwhelmed and do horrifying things.  In many of the stories, ppl say the mom told them she had a problem. 

 

Being a mom can be so difficult if one focused on the sacrifices she makes.  Really, the more selfish we are the more difficult it becomes because we spend a lot of energy resisting and resenting.  Is you wife a young mother?  Does she have girlfriends and hobbies? 

 

Please remember your children are helpless and they are counting on you to protect them.  Yes, your wife is also to some extent, but she is not helpless. 

 

Good luck!!!

cid
4263

I'm sorry for what your going through, but it sounds like your wife is selfish.  I only have a small glimps into things from your post, but her focus seems to be on her own feelings rather than the kids.  She can be selfish and still be a good person, I'm not trying to tear anyone down, but it's hard to be selfish and be a good mother.

 

Take all the advice you have received here and PROTECT your kids.  It's not just the hitting, they know from birth what love feels like and the first few years of their lives will build security in them.  If she hates being their mom they will know.

 

Find the right solution soon and take action.

cid
4271

a good way to help potty train a boy is to put fruit loops or something in the potty and tell him to try and hit one that helped alot with of my boys. The mom I can understand how frustrating being a mother of 2 young boys can be may be, may be she needs a girls weekend away just her and a friend go to a motel for a weekend so she can sleep in and not have to worry about being a mom for a day or to that might help also she might try a support group she need to understand potty training wont happen over night and getting angry will only make it harder on the boy because he will be scared if I don't do this or if I have an accident what will happen he is still a baby after all.  
cid
4446

As a single mother raising 11 children on my own (not all mine- foster children as well) I need to tell you being a mom make you feel inaducate because your whole day revolves around the children. You really have to be there for her, support her where ever you can, give her a break once a week by getting help from outside like a babysitter. Spoil her, help her to look forward to something else. I did that for myself and that was a LIFELINE!

Sometime batteling with a problem wears you down, like potty training. Once she knows there is a break in the week to come, the little problems will fade away. Remember women expect men to know our need, which they don't and we are suppose to speak up. Hang in there, one of these days the children are big, you much older and you will reap the award.

cid
4449

Well you can always look into daycares I know that’s not what you want but do you want her to flip out one day and hurt your children? That’s what you need to measure there safety! You don't have to let them go 5 days maybe part time 3 days and let your wife go to work 2 or 3 days. She needs to counseling by herself because she might not say everything she feels while you are sitting there! So if you live in Pinellas County or Hillsborough County then contact Coordinated Child Care and get a list of providers start taking the kids and picking them up if you want a divorce you will have to do it sooner or later but again please don't wait to long! There are more mothers there days killing or hurting there kids than ever...Just remember you are here to protect them. She’s grow she can find for herself!
cid
4634

the last line was supposed to say She is GROWN and let her fend for herself.
cid
4635

My only advice to you is to get yourself home a heck of a lot more often so that she's not stuck at home all the time. I cannot blame her resentment and anger one smidgen. I don't hate being a mom, but it does make me resentful that my husband can come and go as he pleases without having to either take the kids with him, or arrange alternate child care. It bugs daylights out of me that he will not lift a finger to help with them unless I beg him. Oh, and NEVER, EVER undermine her authority with the children, or otherwise say that she's not good enough. Is she really selfish? I think not. She is probably resentful that you have all these freedoms while she does not. It took 2 to make those kids, it takes two to raise them. Get and keep yourself at home more often to help her raise the kids. Not only do you have a paying job, your job is also to help with your family.
cid
4645

Also, her threatening to leave is really a plead for help. Nothing else (it seems) worked in getting your attention. Maybe this will?
cid
4646

Guest123, if that is your real name. Try reality, the water is fine.
cid
4664

Guest123 - That's all fine and dandy, but she is hitting the kids. Poor Poor mother with no support... I have been a single mother for 12 years with NO help so I can't feel sorry for her...
cid
4679