manipulative motherinlaw
02/24/2011 at 18:38 PM

Hello, I am having difficuly wanting to be very close or nice to my mil.
There have been several occasions that I have felt that she has been manipulative with me. It is causing me to dislike her and certainly is not making for a very strong relationship with her.
Some of my husband's family goes to my inlaws house for dinner on Sundays. We do not. Our Sunday's are busy.
Recently I was talking to her on the phone. She invited us over for Sunday dinner that week. I told her that we would not be able to. She said (in a really expressive tone) "Oh, I're probably busy." Much later (toward the end of the conversation -- after we had discussed a lot of other stuff) in the conversation I told her that we had stayed home (the Sunday before)and had a lazy Sunday. She said (in a snotty tone)..."well, you don't have to be busy when you don't want to, huh." I felt like she was UNDERHANDEDLY showing her displeasure that we do not come over on Sunday's.
I did not say anything. But, when my husband was home I mentioned this to him. We agreed that I should call her and ask her what she meant - rather than just assume. When I called, I said "When you said......what did you mean?" She said "What?????"..As if she did not even say that. I said "Yes, remember when you said.......". She replied immediately, before I had a chance to say anything else..."Oh, I didn't mean anything by that." I truly feel that she DID mean something by it. I only feel this way, because I have had other instances where she has said things underhandedly to me. She won't come out and say what she really wants to say...she beats around the bush. I feel like if she can't come out and say it - don't say it at all! She is very sanguine, loud and IN YOUR FACE. She is nosy and acts very proud of it, as occasionally she'll say "I'm nosy aren't I??" And just smiles. She has traits of a bully. I am a private person. I like my space. In some ways she intimidates me. Most of the time I try to ignore her underhanded comments and right them off as ignorance, but it is making me seriously hate being around her. There are times I can have an adult conversation with her, but it is these things that are ruining my trust in her. Any suggestions for how to deal with her better?

Before you choose a daycare center, find out these things.

The place must be clean and safe. There must be fewer than 8 children for each 1 adult, fewer than 4 babies for each 1 adult. There must be nutritious food. It must be acceptable for you to come any time with no advance warning. There must be a plan for discipline that is acceptable to you. There must be activities planned for each day. Sick children must be forbidden so the other children may remain healthy. The adults must provide you with contact to other clients so you can assess the way the children are treated.


In Britain, all childcare facilities are inspected regularly by government authorities and reports are then published. Prospective parents can view these reports and get a good idea of the facility's strengths and weaknesses. The nursery where I work has had outstanding reports for years now and that is why our waiting list is so long. I am sure that the facilities in the States must have regular inspections too, so is there somewhere you can view these reports when choosing a place?


Here our ratios are 1 adult to three children under 2, 1 adult to 5 two year olds, and 1 adult to 8 children over 3. This is when inside the nursery. The ratios are less when on outings.
Visit the nursery with your child and look carefully at the children there. Do they look happily occupied? Does the place look clean? Do the children have access to outdoor play? Ask to see some learning plans and policies. Do they follow any kind of curriculum? Watch carefully how the adults interact with the children. Ask if they have any sample menus of food served and if your child may take their own food to be heated up for them. All that mayamay has said is also very important.