How should one live with FIL happily ever after?! - FamilyEducation
How should one live with FIL happily ever after?!
02/12/2011 at 18:46 PM

Any comments will be greatly appreciated!
My husband and I been married for a little more than 3 years. Three days after we got married his mother died (she had a terminal breast cancer). By then my husband bought out the house from his parents and his brother and we began renovating it (the house was in a bad shape). I never wanted to move from my house (I owned a beautiful condo with a balcony and swimming pool) - nonetheless, reluctantly I agreed to move. It was difficult from day one. However, two years later it is not any easier.
His father is ALWAYS home. Last year he totaled his car and now we need to drive him to the places he has to go - which is the least of my concerns. My biggest concerns are the following:
It is NOT possible to eat next my FL - he burps (very loudly), he talks with full mouth and he drops his utensils on the table (we have a glass kitchen table) that the noise resonates in my head and I get startled. I asked him to start using table manners - all totally useless - so now I can't stand eating with him - I live the table, my husband gets upset and the situation becomes very tense. It almost seems that he is doing it on purpose!!! I asked him not to wash dishes any more b/c he does not do a good job and I have to rewash them; he broke a lot of my dishes; he is very sloppy - when he spills something on the floor, table or fridge - he wont clean! I need to clean after him all the time!! If he would cook something - the whole kitchen - the floors, the stow, the tables - every thing is a mess!! His room is a mess, his bathroom is a mess, he does not open the windows to ventilate the room - it smells! WE NEVER have any privacy outside our bedroom - his father is always home. My husband and I working full time. We pay for all bills - my FIL puts his pension aside (I think he pays for one bill). I get annoyed at him constantly.
My husband gets upset - and I hate to see him upset!!! He is sooo good to me! He is loving, caring, responsible and attentive - clearly I was blessed with him. But WHAT SHOULD I DO about his father?! I know that he would never live his father alone or put him in a nursing facility, I don't want to leave my husband - I love him - but at the same time I feel I am loosing my faith in our marriage. I am miserable and my husband is not doing anything about it. What should I do?
Please help!!
Lana -

It sounds like a neurological problem. Perhaps Parkinson's disease. Please encourage your husband to take him to a doctor. If it is Parkinson's, it may take months to get his medication adjusted correctly. My mother-in-law is an absolute delight now, though she will never be able to live alone. Get a cheap table that can be used for now, and put the glass one in storage.

You are so fortunate your husband cares so much for the ones he loves. Your description of your FIL sounds very much like my father in the years before he passed away, we loved and cared for him in spite of his many annoying behaviors. Take mayamay's suggestion to have your FIL evaluated. Realize that your FIL has lost his wife, and your husband his mother. Therapy for your FIL will be helpful for him, and for your husband and you. You will find that changing your perception of his behaviors will make the situation more tolerable. We found a thick felt backed tablecloth cut down on the noise at the table.