Help MIL wants to move in!?!?!?!?! - FamilyEducation
Help MIL wants to move in!?!?!?!?!
05/26/2008 at 11:29 AM

Hi everyone. PLEASE help. I don't know what to do. I just got married in December of '07. My husband and I have been dating since January of '07. I have no kids and he has 2 girls from 2 previous marriages (a daughter from each marriage). They are 10 and 4. The 10 year old comes every other weekend. Last year when we had only been dating 2 months the 4 year old's mom dropped her off and skipped town to another state. So basically I already had a shocker to deal with learning how to be a mom to a little girl (she was 2 almost 3 at the time).

 Then a few months later my husband's mom (who was living with his sister but he his sister moved up north) so his mom moved next door to us. It has been MISERABLE. She's nice to me for the most part but she's passively evil and extremely needy. So she has been living next door to us for almost a year. She has rheamatoid (however you spell it) arthritis and she asked us to do EVERYTHING. It's sooooo annoying.

And I always felt sorry for her until February of this year when I found out that that was her first appointment with the rheamatologist and she's had this disease for 5 years!!!! And if you don't know anything about this disease if you don't get treatment right away the damage is unrepairable. So basically the doctors can kinda sorta put your disease on pause and help it not get any worse with certain medicines but they CANNOT go back and repair the damage to your joints and tissues that has already occured. Anyway so we've been busting on butt on a daily basis to do EVERYTHING for her. and the doctor tells her not to eat sweets and she literally (i'm not making this up) sleeps with a bag of oreos under her pillow!!!!

The doctor tells her to exercise and she will call me to come over just to get something out of her car, which is parked right in her driveway not even 10 feet from her front door! We bought her an exercise bike and she won't use it.

Anyway, to the main part of the story. She is begging to move in with us and us buy a bigger house and she'll give us like $40,000 to put down on it. I know that's a great deal for us but I don't know if I can take it. If we do that then she will probably hold it over our heads all the time. And i've seen how she lives. She is a complete slob!!! When she comes over she'll leave cup cake wrappers lying around. i'm not kidding. She's 63 years old. I thought only kids ate like that. Before she moved next door she stayed the night with us one night and she slept in my stepdaughter's bed... we had pizza that night for dinner and the next day after she left I found a breadstick in the bed.. My stepdaughter wasn't even here, she was staying the weekend at her mothers, so it was my mil!!! Crazy huh?

So anyway, i get anxiety everytime she comes around and even the sound of her voice is like nails on a chockboard. I can't stand her. What do i do? My husband is torn between the issue. He is so supportive and listens to my irritations but he's in love with the idea of gettting a bigger house and getting a free $40,000 down on it. I don't think it's worth my happiness. And one more thing, my MIL throws crying temper tantroms when something doesn't go her way.

Anyway, I'm sorry for such a long story. but i've been crying myself to sleep over this.   

OH, MY!!!!! There is no amount of money or any size house worth your happiness. This woman needs to move into an assisted living facility and get emotional help. Sit down and talk to your husband and let him know how you feel and how her being in your home on a daily basis will negatively impact your lives. My late ex-MIL made all our lives miserable (the same as you describe your MIL except mine was diabetic!!) until the day I left my ex and then did her best to continue after that until the day she died. I sincerely hope for a better outcome for you. Stand up for yourself and your marriage before it is too late!!!!!

I didnt read your story. Tell her "NO".

Whatever you do, don't let her move in! I came to this site looking for advice for a similar problem. When I read your post the red lights started to flash. She will not change, ever. She has it in her mind how things should be and she will not accept how you do things or that she might even be wrong. You have plenty of warning signs, plenty of signals telling you this already. Do whatever you can to convince your husband to assist her in the idea of her getting a place of her own, in an assisted living facility. If she has $40K to give to you, she can afford it if you plan well. My situation is somewhat different. My MIL divorced after an unhappy marriage of over 30 years. She tried to committ suicide at least once. My DH is an only child and years ago, after the divorce she was carrying on saying she would end up on the street as a bag lady. We replied we wouldn't let that happen. If it got very bad she could live with us. Well, that turned into when am I moving in and other prompts that put us in a position where we couldn't say no. My MIL mine had the world's worse divorce lawyer and came away with nothing. She has no money so we can't kick her out. She is a borderline hypocondriac with every ache, pain, problem and condition that prohibits her from having a life (in her eyes). Many, many times she has said her life is over, she just waiting for God to take her home. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I'm not the daughter-in-law she thought she'd end up with. We have nothing in common. Our values at the core are the same, she is into extremes. She is borderline OCD, she refuses to make friends. She stays in her room all day, every day - with the door closed only coming out to go to the hairdresser, and do her shopping. She does her laundry and comes down for dinner only, eating most of her meals in her room and then she accusses us of not being family to her despite repeated attempts to include her in things that she constantly refuses. We are in our 50's we have an 11 year old daughter who is outspoken and "hates" her grandmother. I am at my wits end, I'm depressed, I hate that my home is not my own and that there is so much tension 24/7. I desperately need help and I don't know where to turn. So please, don't let her move in. You don't want to be where I am, or worse yet put your marriage and future family in jeopardy.

Oh my goodness! Sounds like you've got your hands full with that family. ------- If I were in your shoes ( I know, easy for me to say ) I'd put my foot down and say "Heck No!" You think things are bad now? Wait til she's got $40,000 hanging over your head!!! And after you say "NO", if your husband starts giving you a hard time about it, YOU should be the one to throw a temper tantrum. I've lived with my MIL, trust me, it ain't fun. And my MIL isn't half as bad as yours seems to be. ( ha, never thought I'd say that to anyone ) It sounds like the only way you will get any peace at all will be to MOVE AWAY from her, not closer to her. Anyway, I hope everything works out for you.

I can't thank you guys enough! I thought maybe it was just me and now I know it's not. My husband listens to me and halfway understands but he thinks I'm the only person in this world that has a problem with his mother. I told him I'm the only person in this world that is going to have to live with her! So yes, I have a problem. If she didn't come barging into our neighborhood and insisting on living next door watching for our cars to drive up in the driveway to start dialing our cell & house phone asking for something then I wouldn't have a problem w/ her. That's why i'm the only person that has a problem with her. I talked to my husband last night about the situation (before I even read your replies) and I balled and balled and told him that I'll never be happy if we do this. And he said, "I think you're bi-polar b/c one minute you're ok with it and the next you're not." and I told him the only times I SEEM to be ok w/ it is b/c I try to talk myself into the situation to make my husband happy. He then accused me of making him choose between his mother and me and i told him that's not what I was trying to do. I explained to him that his mom is not as bad off as what she makes herself out to be. And then he said the whole reason why we're doing this is b/c she's tired of wasting her money on rent (the people she rents her house from has already told her that they would sell it to her but she says she doesn't like the house so she doesn't want to buy it and that she would rather live with us) and he said that she is going to eventually need more help b/c her condition will get worse in time. (yeah if she keeps being lazy and eating nothing but sweets to feed her disease)... anyway so it comes down to the choice is basically made so I can choose whether to stay or go. I told him that I don't think I can do it. We're going to see a cousiler next week. Lord, I wish this was all a dream. Thank you guys for telling me about your situations, it really helps alot.

DON'T DO IT!!! This is your life and your husband's life, not your mother-in-law's life we're talking about. I know this is your husband's mother, but he needs to understand that this will most definitely affect your marriage. I'm wondering: You said your husband was married twice before. Did his mother have anything to do w/ the break up of those relationships? I don't want to sound selfish, so this is what I'd do if I were in your shoes. First, sit down w/ your husband and explain to him that this is not an option for you. Then, together, talk to your MIL. Explain that you want to help her, but that you can only do so much. Suggest to her the option of a home health aide to care for her, or otherwise consider a nursing home. You in no way shld be caring for your husband's mother. This is not your responsibility. You and your husband are just starting your lives and also have 2 young children to care for. That's enough to handle! Explain to your MIL that you love her and that she will be well taken care of. You will visit her regularly and remain in her life. Explain you are not abandoning her, but that you have your own lives to lead as well. Hopefully she will understand and accept your offer. Good luck!