Don't get along with daughter - FamilyEducation
Don't get along with daughter
01/02/2011 at 10:20 AM

Let me start with some background.

I'm 40 years old, have a 20 year old daughter and 16 year old son to my first husband. I got divorced and remarried 8 years ago.

My daughter has always been a handful but when she was 13, she was totally out of control. Sneaking out of her window in the middle of the night, getting in trouble, drugs, etc. She finally said that she just didn't want to live with me, she wanted to live with my niece who was 27 at the time. I finally agreed to it and things were fine until my niece starting putting down rules with her and she acted up again. Gave me niece all kinds of trouble. So, my mom tried with her and couldn't handle her, her father tried and couldn't handle her. She was just out of control, she eventually stole my nieces car and was gone for 3 days. At that point everyone refused to let her come back and wanted the state to step in and take her to get her some help. She was 15 at this time and went into foster care. This was not an easy decision but we had no choice but to try to get her help! She continued to get in trouble until she was 18 and out of care when she went to live with my niece. She had not changed at all and was stealing and getting in trouble. She took off and we didn't hear from her for a year. She eventually came back, had a boyfriend she was living with and trying to set up an apartment. So.... we tried to reconcile hoping she was growing up. We helped her set up an apartment with her boyfriend that eventually they got kicked out of and lost all of their belongings for not paying the rent. They ended up living with my niece again. She then found out she was pregnant so we helped her get another apartment, set her up completely again! She had the baby but things become strained again because I was on vacation, out of town, when she had the baby and she thought I should be there and leave my vacation to come home which I didn't. I was home 2 days after the birth and tried to keep the relationship going but 2 months later, she disappeared again after stealing my nieces TV! Her and her boyfriend took the baby and went to live with one of his relatives. We didn't hear from her for 8 months and then find out she is pregnant again! She has tried to make contact with me and I refuse to talk to her anymore..... I just can't do this anymore! I have to turn my back and not look back. I know that I'll never see my grandchildren but at this point, they don't feel like my grandchildren and I know that they are being raised with morals that I don't agree with. This whole relationship has ripped my heart out for 7 years but I just can't do this anymore with her in and out of my life. I can't trust her, with everything she has already done, I know she would rob me blind! I have beat myself up for years, wondering where I went wrong but then I look at my 16 year old who really is the best kid ever. Has a great head on his shoulders and walks such a straight line in life. He wants to go into the Marines and eventually be a State Trooper. So, I know I'm a good mom! I raised them both the same way.... what did I do wrong??? And is it horrible of me to not want to be in her life anymore?????

Thank you for taking the time to read my story and listen to my problems. I just feel heart broken at times but need to move on.....

At least have conversation with your daughter. You are her mother and you are depriving your grandchildren of your good influence. My daughter put me though some of the same things from age 19-24, but thankfully did not have children. 2 1/2 years ago, she called me in the middle of the night. We met, had a long talk, and ground rules were set up for her to be in my life. She came back home and made the decision to turn her life around. There have been some bumps in the road, but she is doing well, in college and working pt-time. She has stated many times that without my support and encouragement she would not be where she is today. There has been a lot of hurt and disapppointment, money spent and sacrifices made, but the joy of having my daughter back in my life is worth it all. Do not totally turn your back on your daughter and miss the possibility for that joy.

Sounds like your daughter starightened her life out. That is wonderful! However, I don't ever see my daughter doing that. She continues to hang out with the wrong people and does not listen to anyone. I even fear my life at times since she was in a gang before. I will not go into my kitchen without the light in my backyard on for fear that someone is out there and will shoot me. It's not a good situation at all and not the way I live my life.

For years it seemed my daughter would not change. I chose to stay in contact so if she chose to change she could count on me. Without that, your daughter's options are severely limited. She may feel she has no choice other than to stay in the negative situation. We had scary times the 1st year, we got a no contact order against her ex and his gang. We slept with lights on and took precautions to protect us. It was worth it to have her safe, able to start college and have a good life. Without your support, your daughter may never get out. You will miss out on her life and the lives of your grandchildren. My daughter is grateful that I did not turn my back on her or she might have ended up in jail or worse. This is your child, your baby, think about how you will feel if something happens to her and you were unable to tell and show her how much you love her. If she chooses to continue on this path, that is her choice, but you will know you were there for her.

But as a mother, It's also my job to keep my son safe. With her in our lives, we are not safe. I think this may be one of those situations that, unless you've walked a mile in my shoes, you can't begin to understand where I'm coming from. The people around me, that have gone through it with me, completely understand my decision.

As long as you feel you can live with your decision. Being in telephone contact with your daughter, seeing her and your grandchildren away from your home, and letting her know you will be there for her when and if she makes the choice to turn her life around, will in no way endanger your son. If the people around you completely understand your decision, then why even ask for the opinion of strangers? You must at some level be doubting if you are doing the right thing by cutting your daughter off completely. My opinion is that you should carefully reconsider the possible repercussions of your decision. My daughter, who was in a similar situation and was able to get out and turn her life with my help and support, agrees, and just thanked me again for not doing so to her.

well honestly i am 16 years old i dont have kids i juat have an account cuz my sister-in-law is pregnate and in case i want to help and give advise. I dont think that is wrong of u to say u dont want her in ur life. But if she wants to talk 2 u then give her one chance to explain to u want is happening. Try to get her some help with a therapy. maybe that would be the best thing right now. ask her if she is willing to get help.

Thanks for your input xelena! I have been through counseling with her many times... she doesn't want to hear it. She just thinks its all me and I'm trying to change her, etc..... I have talked a counselor myself over the last couple of weeks and she says the best thing for me to do it take care of me and I need to shut down my emotions and move on. My daughter does not want me in her life or she would be in it and not taking off constantly without telling me where to find her. So, I'm working very hard on shutting down and moving on.....

2xstepmom good work! justme2 re: I have talked a counselor myself over the last couple of weeks and she says the best thing for me to do it take care of me and I need to shut down my emotions and move on. >> That seems like pretty good advice. good luck jim

To justme2- I feel for you. I just wanted to offer my support of you and your decicions. I am a 37 year old wife & mother {son 8 & daughter 13} . I was a HORRIBLE teenager to my parents. My parents were seperated, and BOTH gave my what some call "tough love", and shut the door on me until I was ready to make positive changes within my life. I was 24 when my mother passed away at the age of 49 suddenly, I thank God every day, I had made changes & had a chance to once again build a relationship with my mother & apologize for the things I had done, and thank her for shutting the door on me. I had to be the one to reach out when I "grew up" & made changes, I had to be the one to prove I had changed and was a different person than before. Until then she wanted nothing to do with me. I personally think you are doing the right thing. Some people take longer to "grow up" and come to their sences, sadly, some never do. -MrsSerrano