Break up before Baby - FamilyEducation
Break up before Baby
03/06/2011 at 16:07 PM

Our 30 yr. old son and his on again off again girlfriend broke up in Dec. Their baby is due 4-1-11. We never got to know her; we live 4 hrs. away. I sent her a note telling her we were thinking about her and Baby an hoped she or her family would call when Baby is born. We heard this angered her as she (posted on social networks) feels the only interest we have in her is the "thing" in her belly. The fact is, we never got to know her even though we extended many invitations. It maybe our son knew the relationship was not working and didn't want to make the relationship a family affair. He's a teacher, and has been on his own for a long time; we have only met one of the other women he dated since college.

So the fact is, now that they've separated, the Baby IS the only connection; however, we have always welcomed all of the significant others' our four children have brought into our family circle with open arms. When we learned of the pregnancy, we offered to give her a shower, but she declined.
We feel very odd; this is our grandchild regardless of the circumstances and from the time we earned of the pregnancy had planned on the mother, her son from a previous relationship and this baby being part of our family. Have we been wrong not to make more of an effort to get to know her after they broke up? Our son is hoping Mommy will agree to put his name on the birth certificate and allow him to have shared custody of this child.

Sad. Send her a gift certificate for a spa visit with a note that says you hope she is well. She will probably post info about the baby's birth on the web so you can find out when the baby is born the same way you found out about her anger.

“Our son is hoping Mommy will agree to put his name on the birth certificate and allow him to have shared custody of this child.” This statement really caught my eye. If you are in the US dad does not need to hope she will do anything. Rather than try and work with someone who is emotional and apparently dramatic, your son needs to hire an attorney and have his rights to his child established by the court. Too many men take the less expensive and seemingly easier approach of trying to work things out with verbal or even written agreements. This approach works in some instances, but fails in most. Her anger at you wondering about the baby tells much about her. She wants to be in control, and will look for any reason to validate her victim mentality. Moving forward without a court order will only place your son in a powerless position that will have him jumping through hoops in an attempt to see his child.

I’m not able to give specifics because I don't know what state the child will reside in, but Dad needs to contact an attorney in the county where the mother lives. I would not mention any of this to her until after the birth. Because the child will be born out of wedlock Dad will need to have paternity established through a DNA test; the court can order her to do this. Once paternity is established Dad can ask the court to order that he then be placed on the birth cert. Because babies lack a schedule, and the 4 hour trip is very long for just weekend visits dad needs to ask for equal visitation and decision making rights. This is a long hard road but I can tell you that in the end, it’s more than worth effort.

this is such a sad story you guys got the break up before baby.

Wow - thisl lady is looking for a way to build bridge with her grandchild's mother, and all you people can come up with is 'get a lawyer?'. Perhaps if any of you were in her position - pregnant, dumped and scared - you might be more sympathetic. Perhaps you should consider that a woman needs more support when she is pregnant than when the baby comes since she is most vulnerable, emotionally drained and physically exhausted then, and the fact that the dad skipped out should not entitle him to suddenly parade his child after she has done all the hard work. No doubt this guy has commitment issues, and perhaps he should have thought about contraception before knocking up a girl he knew he would end up leaving. To the prospective grandmother - I hope you have now met your grandchild, and your attitude is admirable. Your grandchild's mother is just scared and alone, and if you show you understand how she feels, she will come around.

As it has turned out, Baby was born 4-1-11. Our son learned of the birth on 4-6, through the grapvine. Although she knew who the father is, she didn not have the decency to notify him, or, document his as the fatehr. Our son did contact an attorney, filed the appropriate documents and after a LOT of expense, had his day in court and was granted visitaation. A final hearing gave him shared custody. They live close to the same community.Of course, baby breast fed and really couldn't be away. He is supported her wishes in this regard and has been granted fairly liberal access to the baby- primarily because Mom has learned she can hit the ground running and has jump started her social life. He is more than willing to have the baby anytime. Nursing suddenly isn't a priority, Our son is looking f'wd to exercising his court-ordered shared parenting arrrangemnt once Baby is 6 mos old. We are proud of our son and the fact he exercised HIS rights!

I hink you may have msread...the grandmother is trying to support the mother, the baby and her son. The baby's mother is cutting everyone off. She has another child and was able to do the same thing- becasue the other guy didn't choose to take responsibility and be a parent. She says she can do it herself, but relies on the support of a rich grandfather, the state and intimidation.

Marthann, Congratulations, I am so glad to know that your son has fought for his right to be involved in his child's life, and prevailed. Too many fear the fight and the sizeable expense, but in the end, it is more than worth it. Thank you for coming back and sharing this great news with us.

Serenew, this is not about being scared or tired or any other excuse you wish to use to defend this mother; this is about control. The need control not only the child, but also the father who wishes to have a relationship with their child. A custody battle is just that, a battle. When the relationship between the adults ends nothing else matters but the children. Being a parent is not about how much work you did to bring the kid in to the world; what a twisted sense of reality. This father has every right to be proud of his son and to parade him around town as much as he sees fit. His parents have every right to be proud of him because he fought for his child.