Survival Skills for Parents
12/20/2010 at 11:41 AM

Hi all of you...

Just a simple start to that subject, and due to the speed of our time which dose not allow most of the parents interact with their children or their family members, and since I am a mother who is facing lots of problems with her kids and would like to reach a solution, SO, I have found this information and would like to share it with all of you..

Hope it would benifit all of us...

I will add each day something which I have read or learned..

Note, I am still working 0n my problems, need your prayers :((

Punishment before, was not a case in our society like the way its now.. Most of the teachers are complaining from not controlling their classes with the increment no. of nutty students. Most parents feel that there is a big gab with dealing with kids who are not paying attention to rules and regulations.

But most worries us, is kids are trying to disobey the reality rules of society.

Now adays, most children are trying to run away from transportation fees, steal public goods, writing bad words on fences and walls, carrying guns, and the result, parents are blaming the schools and visa versa..


Active Listening:

How far you can listen to your kid?

Ask yourself honesty this question?. Are you busy with reading the newspaper, cooking or thinking of work issues while they are talking to you ??? Do you think nodding with your head is enough to participate ???

Kids realize easily whether they are having the full attention from you or not, and then they can easily say (you are not listening to me) or (nobody cares what am I saying).. And when they are not able to drag the attention of you, they will go for bad behaviour to do so.. As when the kid know that calm and being quite person will not give him what he/she wants, then he would go for another path.. Other bad things do drag attention


1- Active listening is a very proper way for most of the parents.
2- Listen to your child, as there are most between the lines.
3- Ask questions
4- Give actual answers not imaginary ones.
5- Do not judge the kid's feeling or ideas

Kids feel more safe when they express their feelings and know that their feelings are acceptable. They feel support and backup when they touch the respect in their parents' eyes.

Breifly, active listening is the best way to talk to a person with passion. Its a respect to your kid's feelings and ideas bcs you are trying through your kid from seeing the world by his vision.

Specialists said that sometimes listening to your kid when he is speaking, then you would know what he/she is hiding without telling that kid.

You have to participate your kid in the dialouge, it maybe difficult in sometimes specially when the kid is doing something wrong or you are a little busy, but it will go on for good step by step.

The kid needs a quite audience that deliver him secure feeling in right times.

As long as your child feel that people are listening, as long as you have build a type of connection between the two of you, which will restrict and limit some of long term problems that you are not awaring of.



Do kids need to say sorry?? and do we have as parents to say apologize to them?

Most times, parents do act the same way they are preventing their kids from doing, we aruge, shout, loose our temper and sometimes use physical punishment like hitting to show them what we are ....

But very few parents are able to take the responsibility of their bad actions and say SORRY to their children.


Parents just like their children, do need to apology when they misbehave the rules. One of main problems that the society is facing is that children are grown in a place which has double standards. They feel that there are type of people which do not obey the rules that they have to do so..

When we apology to our kids, we are telling them that we are humen being and we can make mistakes, and if we are not able to admit our errors, then our kids will hide their ones, as its always scary to tell the truth. This lead to luck of communication and self dis-respect.

Kids need to be encourged to admit their mistakes, to learn that people do forgive sometimes..


Avoid Labels and Ready Stickers:

Its very easy to stick lables on our kids and most of us do that from the day they were born, even some mothers they labeled their children before their birth!.

when the kid is born, he/she trusts the parents completely and keep asking lots lots of questions around the brain. They know from LEARNING that sky is blue, counting starts with 123, shoes for foot, night for sleeping, cat has kittens, books for reading, etc...

Children believe what they are labeled.

Todays' parents are too busy and tired to answare all these questioins and they dont realize that it effects their children. Then comes the negative labels.

And this study include the positive labels as well, bcs overcome with positive thing make the kid enter an imaginory world that doesnt contain only angels.

Remember, kids do behave according to your labels and ready stickers, so just avoid them.


All children are different but most parents thought that all children have to behave the same, and this is wrong.

You can not deal with a social kid the way you deal with a quite one.

Each child has a weak point which you can interact with. Parents should search for these points and use them.

For example, active child needs to be quite, while quite child needs to be active, lazy student needs to be clever, academic child needs to learn music lessons or sport, etc..
And do not wait from a shy kid to be social all of a sudden, but we can ask him to be polite.

Search for weak points and use them.


The Sequence of Kids' Birth:

There is no doubt that the sequence of birth do play a big role in classifying the kid's personality, also it effects on the way we deal with that kid.

You see that older kid is the 1st guest in the family, he is the first one to be taught how to use the bathroom, first to go to school, first to gain all the attention, as if he is growing under a microscope!.

First child in the family can not fail for any reason, otherwise it would be a big problem, while the second one can :(

And for these reasons, the older one put himself in a situation that he is over his parents' expectations and most of the time, he can not fullfil that.


I like the skills you have posted. One that I have practiced for many years is to use positive words. The best example is to tell your child "Remember your book," instead of "Don't forget your book."

Every time you want to say, "Don't," figure out a way to say that thing positively.

"Talk quietly"
"Walk carefully"
"Stay on the sidewalk"
"Be gentle with each other."
"Play so that you both have fun."


Exactally! My children's favorite positivity from me is "walking feet!"


maya and 2xstepmom, thanks for passing by..


Middle Child:

The middle child in the family has a feeling that he is not the older who got all the attention, nor the younger one who is spoiled for his needs, and for that reason, the middle child would have ways to slide against the rules and drag attention by any mean.

The middle child likes to surround himself with lots of friends and depend on his pals for pushing him with power and confidence.

Parents of that child should not put too much expectations on him, specially if he feels that he is not getting time and efforts from his parents towards his actions.

Middle child can run away from punishment easily and he keeps trying with this technique.

He likes to negotiate and participate emotionaly by asking for help even if it was between the lines.

The middle child need to learn confidence and to believe in his abilities, and to have complete trust that he is able to solve his own problems.


Younger Child:

The younger child has advantages and disadvantages.

The younger child get a huge amount of care and love by the parents and can spoiled any punishment easily which dis-please his older brothers.

The younger child has two ways to be raised with, either by Spoiling or by Ignoring.

Some parents consider the younger child as a chance to make every thing right, and with a little of experiance, they can make from him THE PERFECT CHILD which lead to lots of pressure on that kid.

Other parents go for other way, they did a good job with raising the older brothers, so they said its time for us now to relax and ignore all the rules.

In the first case, the kid will response easily but he would get some anger waves bcs he feels that he still needs his parents attention.

In the second case, the kid will get use that things is going well for his own, but he feels that its too much for him to be in the picture that his parents want.

In both cases, the child will feel that there is a big gab between him and his parents, and the way of relaxing would give him a feeling that he is ignored.

Therefore, parents should give that child the following:
1- responsibilities
2- attention
3- aknowledgement for his good behaviour
4- fair share of his rules and reality expectations.

Children feel with lots of secure when they know that there are limitations they can not cross, even if you feel that they are trusted.



This is one of the best techniques that you need, to have a sucsseful way in raising your kid. This technique prevents lots of arguing and differences between children and parents.

As adults, we all know the way it feels when we are not able to achieve something in work bcs of hard boss or the lack of time. We would feel dipressed, angry and ignored.

Life raise on the basics of good choice and learning can be gained if its the wrong choice. Kids can learn from their choices as well, you need to give them freedom when they choose.


How To Take Practicle Decision:

Give your child the way he would like to choose, if he got a tantrum then you can say "either you can keep screaming so we would be late for your choice, or you can stop shouting then you would have enough time to play later".

For an older child you can say:

"If you do your homework, you can watch the TV for 20mins after dinner, while if you dont, you have to sleep right away after dinner"

"If you come back home early as promised, you will gain my trust to let you out alone next Saturday, while if you dont, I will not let you out again".

If you would like to give an instruction to your daughter for example, you can say " would you like to put on this red dress or the yellow one?", here the daughter will avoid being able to refuse your order as she will be busy with giving you her decision.

"would you like to clean your room today or in the weekend?"

"would you like to sit and watch the movie together, or you prefer going out and coming back early?"

By this way, children will be able to learn fast, and older children will feel that they are participating in decision making just like adults.


Stuck to Your Principle:

One of the biggest mistakes that parents should avoid is how to NOT ignore their principles even ONCE.

Parents surrender under the pressure of their children which due to giving what the children want, to relax and have a piece of mind.

Once you waive, then you would give your child that chance that he/she would re-use it in the future.

when the discipline is GONE and you refused next time, then you have to expect the there will be a HUGE AND LOUD anger as long as he knew that he would get his thing at the end.

By the way, if you dont stuck on your discipline, the child would feel uncomfortable and un stable.


What you are describing here I call a "logical consequence." It is different than a promised reward. A logical consequence involves the normal activities of the day. A promised reward is an object or activity that is out of the ordinary and must be "earned" by good behavior.

Giving your child responsibility for decisions is the way they learn to make decisions.

Being firm about the decisions that you make does give your child confidence in you.
These are good insights.


Mayamay, you know I am passing these posts here but that does not mean that I have already done it to be honest, but I am trying my best through your help and via posting these words as well to be a good Mom.

Yesterday I tried the tricking question instead of ordering him. He doesnt want to eat that food for moody reasons so I said (do you want me to cut it for you, or you will do it yourself), first he was confused bcs he was about to say (NO), then he said "no you cut" ...

Actually, I didnt believe that I have achieved something from what I am posting..


How to Encourge Your Child to Take a Decision?

1- Give your child enough freedom to discover the world around him. For the first time he would look confused and scared and unable to control the place, but then he will find a way himself.

2- Dont send your child to the outer place if he is not trusted enough, these things can be done step by step.

3- Give him a responsibility to show, let him take care of his brother for 10min while you are on the phone, let him take care of small plant plot in the garden, etc..

3- Older children need more time, space and freedom to learn from their surroundings.

Its difficult for parents to put an end for the control over their children, but putting rules and regulations will ease that process on both sides.

You (as a parent), will be trusted as a secret keeper for your kid, you will feel secure that you are able to find out what is inside your kid's mind.

Just put the basics and leave him slowley on.


Emotional Expressions:

Most children needed to be taught how to express their feelings, and boys specially need that more than girls.

If you ask a boy "how do you feel about that", normally, you would not get a clear answar. Boys can talk about the plan or the solution they have approach, but not expressing their feelings clearly.

By growing, most children are encouraged not to show their feelings as they look like adults, and this would make things go worse.

There are lots of emotional expressions like:

1- tantrum
2- anger
3- crying
4- fighting

Communcating, is one of the best keys to make good connection between the family members', which children can carry for the rest of their lives.

Teching a child how to express his feeling, this make him able to understand how other people feel in the future. By that way, the child can participate with community members' and analyse people thoughts' or problems and maybe solve it.

Try to talk to your child with:

"I can see that you are very sad"
"I see that you are happy"
"You must be proud of that"
"Are you excited"
"I know you are angry"

Give him these words on regular basics so that he would learn to express his anger or sadness in the future when there is a problem instead of shouting and screaming.


Parents' Expectations:

There are 3 types of parents' expectations which are:

1- analysing your expectations
2- clearing your expectations
3- taking your children's expectations into consideration

First, lets talk about Analysing Your Expectations:

If you go back with your memory to your childhood, you would see that you used to have more freedom than your child has today, and the reasons for this are so many.

The children of today have no time for themselves, everything is organized, classes, schools, even entertainments.

Children of today are under big pressuer, while the parent can find time to watch TV, read a newspaper and go to the Gym, but we are not able to understand that our children need a time for themselves as well.

Look at your expectations as a parent, if your child seems depressed and angery all the time, then may be he is not having enough time for relaxing and having fun.


Make Your Expectations Clear:

This can be done by a weekly or monthly meeting with the family members'

Set goals for your family memebers' and remind them that you will have to review the results later.

Children need to know what are your needs and not to leave them in the middle of sea and expect that they will swim automatically.


Make a Balance Between Your Expectations & Your Kid's Hopes:

There are large negative behaivours at the beginning of a trip, IF it was not as planned to.

You need to know what he is willing to do in this trip, and plan it before you start.

Discuss with him why you want him to be in that class or other, and check his needs and passion as well.


Emotional Expressions: Very good advice, sometimes difficult to put into practice and very successful when applied consistently!


A planning meeting for the family, with goal setting. That's a good idea.



Disciplinary is the ART of teaching the respect.

If you dont take the factor "TEACHING" into consideration, then you will not be able to let your child understand the reasons for having some behaviours accepted, while others not.

Do you really shout bcs your child has feed the video device bcs he thought its hungry??, well no one told him its not allowed. And how does the child know that you are going to pay a lot to fix it.

In any chance, plan a time to explain why this behaviour is accepted, and what people will think if he would do that.

Putting rules and regulations sometimes do not let the child understand right from wrong.

For example, you want to explain that stealing is not allowed, tell him he feels if someone took a toy from him without informing !


Family Meetings:

The best way that family members can show their feelings or expectations is through those kinds of meetings.

These meetings are not official, or an event for time wasted.

These meetings can be done on regular basis to monitor the changes in the house routines or discuss family problems.

Any one can participate even the 2yrs child.

Tell the children what changes have been happend, ask them for their opinions and ideas.

DO NOT let these meetings long and taugh.

Teenagers hate sitting in these types of meetings bcs they know what they are going to hear..

An idea, family members can switch managing these meeting to let everyone feel that he can be the LEADER.


Do Parents Have Rules As Well?

Here are some examples of rules:

1- I am not going to open the recorder with loud voice after 10pm. I will respect that other family members need some time to relax and sleep.

2- I am not going to make any noice when dressing up in the morning. I will wear my clothes before watching cartoon and eating my breakfast.

3- I am not going to fight with my brother and I would deal with him the same way I like him to deal with me.

4- I am not going to be late home after 10pm (this is for teenagers), and I will give my parents a call if I am late and will inform them about my place.

5- I am not going to be angry if I dont get what I want like a toy or a gift.

6- I am not going to argue when doing my homework. I will do it right away after school or dinner.

When all the family members stuck to the rules, try to give them a reward like going all of you outside.

Rules will turn step by step to habits and a way of living, then you can take them out from your list.

Parents do need some rules too. Ask your family members what changes they would like to see in YOU.

If they thing that you do loose your temper easily, then try to cut it.

If they think that you are spending too much time on the phone, then minimize it.

And if you didnt obey the rule, your children will give you a punishment, like you can not drink your favorite juice for one week :)

Make it fun, easy and excited.

Choose 5 or 6 rules and discuss them, and make regular family meetings for re-evaluation.


Step Mom / Step Dad:

When step mom/dad will have the responsibility to raise the children, it would be very difficult in the beginning, and it will be more hard if you have your own children in addition.

The first important factor is to STUCK ON YOUR RULE (whether for your kids or other kids).

You and your partner should agree on the way to raise all the children with. The parents should be able to sacrifice if needed in criticle situation. There must be a middle solution.

There are lots of problems that you are going to face, but all of them can be solved.

Children can find their way with solving their problems with the step mom. She just need to set the routine and then will get on the train slowley. Even if the step mom will give them love and care, you will still hear words like "this is not new, we used to do these things before" or " there is no need to teach me, I am not a kid", etc..

There is another problem, you are responsible about accomplishing the routine. Sure there will be lots of arguements, but the fog will be clear as long as you and your partner tried your best to set everything in.

You have the right to set your own rules to the new house, but you have to clear your expectations in advance.

Children who lost their mothers or fathers, or suffered from family clashes, will feel un secure and will have lots of bad actions as a feedback.



If you change one of them by any chance, then you will have to change it every time they push you to.

Get support as much as you can.

First days are not easy and you need to be very careful and clever in the same time.

And remember, if you have the desire to set THIS family to a secure house, you will have it.


There is a time for flexibility and a time for firmness. If your child can discuss a rule with all of the parents and you ALL feel that it is safe, a rule can be changed or suspended.

However, if you have let a rule slide simply because you became too tired to enforce it, you can say to your children, "I was wrong to let that behavior pass. I am sorry about that. I will not punish you at this time, because that was my mistake. You need to know that I will enforce the rules from now on."

Be prepared to take action to enforce the rules. Take objects away from the child and lock them up. Walk over to a child who is being disruptive. Physically separate children who are abusing each other.

Bad behavior and anger spring from the source of fear. Providing a place that is physically and emotionally safe is an important goal for any parent, whether in intact families or in step-families.


You said " Be prepared to take action to enforce the rules. Take objects away from the child and lock them up. Walk over to a child who is being disruptive. Physically separate children who are abusing each other" that is exactly what I do if I am alone with them in the house, and most of the time I got very bad feedback specially from the older son.


It is a funny thing that we tell our children to use words, but if parents are not prepared to take action, their words are without power.

It is ok for your son to disagree with you, to be angry with you. You are not his friend. You are his mom. You do have authority over him.

It is good that you are establishing this while he is still smaller and weaker than most adults. Some people never learn respect for authority because they have never experienced proper, balanced parental power.

Since your husband has given you all of the discipline authority, do this when he is at home, too. If he says he does not like it, you tell him that you are sorry it makes him uncomfortable.

That you have been reluctant to take these actions when your husband is home may explain why your son misbehaves when you are both at home.


Family Time:

Meeting of the family is something very nice and cheerful, and its basic and important to keep the relationship of the family in a better way for a long time.

The most important job for the family is to set the growth for every family members in the best way possible. This responsibility is something that all the family should share.

In the families that are not strong enough, un prepared time to gather would be a problem that need to be solved. As far the family members are interact together, as less the problems are.

Families need the following:

1- listening
2- helping
3- participating
4- entertainment
5- games
6- fun
6- exchange the care
7- problems solved
8- planning
9- picnics
10- parties and occassions

The most powerful element in each family is LOVE with no condition specially in a world that is full with MESS.

Check out this survey and see for yourself:

1- does every one in your family has a repected opinion?
2- does every one in your family respect each other?
3- does every one in your family proud of others' achievments?
4- do you have a family routine that appreciate the achievments?
5- do you gather on the food table 3 times weekly at least?
6- do you do family activities 3 times a week at least?
7- does any one of the family has time for himself to relax?
8- does any one of the family has his own activity and has time to do it?
9- does your family watch TV less than 3 hours weekly?
10- do any one of your family has his own responsibility?
11- dose your family has a warm environment?
12- does your family members deal well with stress?
13- does your family laugh a lot?
14- does your child feel happy when his friends arrive?
15- do you have time to play with your family members?
16- do you visit other families to make connection?


Concentrating on Good Behaivours:

In BBC program called "A GOOD SMACK", one of the parents was having a doubt that acknowledging any good bahaviour will give a progress, but the result was amazing.

Most of the children who are under that study, show an excellent progress and positive attitdue later on.

The problem is most parents are busy and tired that they are not having the time to show their interest or attention to their children. In that case, children will relate between bad behaviour and getting the attention, so CHANGE YOUR CONCENTRATION POINT?

In another word, if your child took off his shoes and put in the right place, Acknowledge that.

If he put his clothes in the cloth set, acknowledge it.

If he plays nicely with his brothers, if he brush his teeth by himself, if he dressed alone, if he come back home at time, if he do the homework with no noise, if he go to bed without ordering from you, Acknowledge It.

Its like you are working in a job and doing your best, but your boss doesnt appreciate what you are doing, so why you are not going to apply for another job??

Its exactly the same with children.

If you show them what they need, they will show you what you want.

Achieving this routine needs a lot of patient and hard work, and mostly your child will be pleased bcs of your attention.


I have sometimes had to remove a privilege from a child in order to make a point. The situation was that the child left the home without permission. I regard this as a safety issue and I already had a strong foundation of positive parenting, so I grounded the child for a LONG time. The child was gone for an hour (60 minutes) so I grounded the child for 60 days. This is a ridiculously long period of time, BUT, I had a "mercy" plan in place.

First, I circled on the calendar the numbers for the next 60 days. That way the child knew how long the privilege was lost. Then, when any acceptable behavior that I wished to acknowledge took place, I would go to the calendar and, starting at the end of the period, put an x over the number. That meant that the grounding period was one day shorter. This was very powerful. My children (and their friends) are now scrupulous about letting me know where they are and when they expect to be home. If they are 5 minutes late without informing me, they are grounded for 5 days. They know that I don't have to shorten the period. However, you can bet that they don't whine or act out when they are already grounded, since simple polite behavior is one of the things that sometimes inspires my mercy.

If you use this strategy, tell the child in advance what behaviors you can think of that will lose privileges. Warn the child that it is possible they will do something that you have not considered that will cost them privileges. Do not tell them about the "mercy" plan. That is entirely at your discretion, and does not have to be consistent in any dimension.


Igonre TOTALY That Is Not Acceptable:

This idea comes from concentration on good behaivours and its a good way of dealing with children that are like always to grab attention.

This may conflict with the traditional ways of raising the children but sometimes it will benifit the families.

Some children like always to track your look and when you fail in contolling your anger, they will know that this process works.

If you ignore the whole subject, the child will know that he/she is not going to gain what he wants by this way, so he/she will change it.

Some parents will say that this is not an accurate way for the motherhood or fatherhood, but do not pay attention to these words.


Older Age Children:

The previous way gives good results with older age children and teenagers.

Teenager may shut the door with noise and curse and parents, these actions need to be stop.

How to ignore these actions is by acknowledging the good behaivours and set goals for each day in the morning.


Is The Routine Important?

Routine helps children to feel secure and safety bcs it will make them expect what is needed ahead.

Routine does not control you with un flexable timely schedule as you think, but allow you to plan and put a space for the important things in your life.

Most parents put a suitable routine when their children are still infants. Activities and house work have their own timings, time for children's bath, time for bed stories, time for good night kiss, time for going to bed, etc..

Parents can breath when their children go to sleep, they will have then time for themselves.

BUT, when the children grow, the routine will change.

The best thing to do to make a certain level of family harmony is by setting the concept of routine to your daily life.

Each family has her own settings that is differ from other one.

Classify or devide your day into parts. Try hard to make things happen each day the same time, and put some flexible for sudden things.

By this procedure, children will feel that they are living in stable and quite place.


I will rehearse the steps of extinguishing bad behavior one more time, for the benefit of others who may be reading this. It is clear that you understand the principals because your family life is improving.

1. Select a behavior that you desire to extinguish. It cannot be a dangerous behavior, because the strategy requires that you ignore the behavior.

2. Determine what the correct behavior would look and sound like.

3. Be sure that the child understands what the correct behavior would look and sound like. If you observe the child performing the correct behavior, acknowledge that behavior.

You may have to teach the behavior. To do this, tell the child what the correct behavior would be. Perform the correct behavior yourself. Ask the child to perform the correct behavior. If the child does not comply with your request, that is ok as his mind will rehearse the correct behavior. Do this for a very short lesson for three days in a row.

4. Acknowledge all correct behavior with a simple, calm sentence. Ignore the incorrect behavior. If there are other incorrect behaviors happening, you may admonish the child about them. The only one you MUST attempt to ignore is the behavior you have selected for your focus. However, you should try to have a ratio of 10 acknowledgments of correct behavior to 1 admonishment for incorrect behavior.

5. There will be an "extinction burst." This is a great increase in the frequency and magnitude of the bad behavior. After the extinction burst the bad behavior will almost never occur again.



Most children are eager to make problems with their babysitters and the reason is they have the chance to. Most babysitters do not stay long and half of their work is for fun. Even best behaived children have the ability to teese those ladies.

To be honest, most babysitters expect that.

The real problems are when the children refuse to be left with another person, or they would misbehaive till the limit that the parents should be back home to solve the problem.

The secret lies when the babysitter use YOUR ROUTINE in controlling the children. Tell her that those rules can not be skip for a any reason.

Explain to them that you are expecting something when you come back home, talk about the punishment they would get if they do not stuck to the rules, and give your babysitter the authority.

If there is no routine in your houes and its messy, then your babysitter can easily go back to her home. She can not put a routine to a messy house. ITS NOT HER JOB.


Individual Care:

Each child is different than the other and needs special care, and each child needs special encourgment.

Its very difficult to ditribute your care on all your children in a busy day, BUT with some minutes that you have give each child saperately, you can make a difference.

There are lots of negative behaivours rise from disperte and not able to express feelings or emotions.

If you spend enough time with your children individully, then you can build a good relationship that prevent having these problems.

They will learn that blowing up, crying or shouting are not the ways to get things. ITS BY DISCUSSION.

Spend 10mins with each child during the day.

They will feel respectd even if its for a short time.

Give each of your children the chance to speek on the food table. All should be silent with no interrupting.

Encourage for communcating, whether it was positive or negative.

Children need to feel that there is no fear of experssing their feelings.

If your son admit that he broke the window, or eat his brother's chocolate, or spoil the best cloth you have, THEN DO NOT ATTACK.

Secure and Trust are very important.

If your child believes that he can tell you the truth with no arguing or punishment, then he will continue on this for the rest of his life.

If he do something dangerous, tell him your feelings BUT STAY CALM.

If he didnt obey a rule, ask him what he suggest for the suitable punishment. In that way, they will not feel un fair.


mayamay, thanks for putting some your general skills here, I wish all parents would do the same, we can make here a good file for future reference.


Keeping Your Promises:

One of the most excited way for children is EXPECTATION, and in the same time, can own double effect if used in wrong way.

Children who have a strong sense of FAIR, will feel very bad if they know that you didnt obey one of your words.

They will feel disappointed and inner anger. This will minize their trust and they will believe that they do not earn the best of your time, or effort, or money, or any of what you have promised.

If you are sure that you can not do this promise, then simply dont say it.

Dont plan for a trip and cancel it later.

If you feel that this plan will disturb other things you need to do, then make it as a suggestion like "who would like to come for shopping with me today?".

Children learn from you the trust that you would like to plant in them. So give them a natural trigger.



If there is big change that may happen in the family, then talk to your children or family members' in advance. Prepare them for that change.

Maybe they would not feel the same excitement that you have specially if this change is BIG, but dont serrunder. Each person needs to start from the beginning sometimes, and to be considered that he/she is a good person.

Concentrate on the new routine or change.

Give them encouraging that they can make things with little effort, after awhile, they will understand the new change or routine points.

And when everything set, they will wonder later on "how we used to live without this new routine".



Children will always appreciate his friends and they put big hopes on them.

But the child sometimes will face some presuure and dis-comfort with his children , and then he has to learn how to defend himself or explain his point of view clearly.

Give your child the aknowledgment of self appreciating and confident.

Teach your children to be dependent.

Teach them how to explain their ideas without fighting.

The more he has communicating at home, the more he has the power to communicate with people outside.

Teach him the meaning of Friendship.

Teach him to start looking for new ones if he feel unrespected.

Teach him to search for relationships that do not threat him.

Teach him to have so many activities, when alternatives are available, then it would be easy to switch between his friends.

Some friends are positve. They would be the source of passion and care. Those friends can be like test field. Those friends can teach each others, and so on.


Advices to deal with your kid's friends:

1- Its necessary for all parents to acknowledge the important role that friends do play in child's life, and do not consider it as a threat to the connection of the family. At the end, all the children will grow and this is a step on the path of dependency.

2- Be reliable and cooperative in regards to the problems that relates with those friends. Mostly, its very difficult to understand what our children have, specially if we dont like their friends. But if we keep the connection doors open, our children can use us as a way of testing, evaluating and moral reference that give them secure and trust. In addition, children need to know that they are able to enter/exit from their friends' groups. In the same time, they do need their family support. This would bring balance in case of fighting with their peers or split.

3- Be sure that your child has a strong feeling to self. Mostly, children who have self trust will be able to make connections with good friends.

4- However they still need the love and care of their friends, children who have enough home care will be able to release themselves from friends' pressure. Children who do not have enough home care, will look for friends who can give them what they missed, and the problem is that those friends could be any type.


Physical Connection:

The effect of physical connection is very huge and important for all the people whether they are big or small.

Physical connection with the child plays a big role in his life.

Researchs said that this issue will be always imporant as a way to exchange love and care between parents and children.

Some children when they reach the teenager period, they release themselves from that infront of their friends specially boys. This issue can be expected and respected but it doesnt mean to be ignored.

Child who doesnt have physical connection will feel with:

1- ignoring
2- shyness
3- doesnt worth careing
4- misunderstood
5- lost
6- lonely
7- untrust
8- misrable

Physical connection has his own touch and effect. It gives the child secure, love, care that no words can give.

Tapping on shoulders, a hug, playing with hair, touching softly the face, all can transfer the meaning of love and acceptance that your child feel.

Make the physical connection a normal issue.

Monitor the needs of your childs for care and passion, and give him that.

Child who seeks to grab attention, maybe he doesnt need only some amount of care.


You continue to share very important information here.


All for One, and One for All, isnt it?


The most important age for a child’s development is the age he is right now. You can’t fix yesterday, or last year, or when he was a baby. You can only fix now.

This next part is the attachment cycle. It is optimal if it happens throughout the first year of life. It can happen at any age.

First, one person experiences a need. The person expresses the need to another person. That person meets the need. The first person develops some trust in the second person. Then, the first person experiences another need. The person expresses the need to the second person. That person meets the need. The first person develops more trust in the second person. This continues and continues.
This can be child/parent but it can also be adult/adult—this helps form a bond between husband and wife, too, especially when each of the adults spends effort in meeting the needs of the other.

Understanding and applying this cycle does not mean that the child will be in charge. The parent is in charge. The parent’s goals should include physical and emotional safety, and simple fun. Say YES unless what the child "needs" is dangerous. Your child is already entitled to fun things if you have the resources. Fun things are often free. Your attention is what your child wants most from you.

And yes, smile, speak to them with joy in your voice, touch them gently, and say "I love you."
You do love them. Both of them. It shows in your search on this board. It shows in your courage to try a new way of being a mom.


Physical Abuse:

If the physical connecting achieve many positive cases, then it would be very easy to realise how much effect the physical abuse do on your child and his self image.

First, you have to realise that no one hit something he loves or likes, what else the child will feel rather than unloved and deserves to be hit.

Researchs said that abuse that parents do with their kids which include hitting by all means, has 2 effects, first child will be having a vilonce feeling towards people, second the child will feel self hated and anger.

Most children closed on themselves in a young age and stay in a mode that are not able to express their feelings and emotions.

Physical abuse that parents do, is achieved to control the children and this is not a healthy behaivour.

No one has the authority to control any one, we need to explain to them by love, care and logic sense.

Parents will like to hit their children bcs problems will be solved in a quick way. But thinking of yourself in the same situation, what type of feeling you would have, anger, fear, sadness, misrable, etc.. Are those the feelings you would like to plant in your child?

Most parents lost their temper and feel quilty afterwords. If this happend, parents should apologized to their children and will search for ways to avoid this in the future.