PLEASE.....ADVICE NEEDED!!!!!!! - FamilyEducation
10/19/2008 at 10:27 AM

Hi everyone, I am new to this but I need some help VERY bad.

I just got remarried in April to a great guy.  I have 2 sons.  One is 21 and married, they live with us and I have a son that is almost 18. She has been living with us since last July and the just got married a few weeks ago.  In the beginning, since my son had a job, he was paying me $50 a week and then when she moved in she paid me $50 a week as well.  Which was good because it really helped with groceries and bills.  In Feb. the needed another vehicle, so I told them to put what they were paying me toward the vehicle.  After they got the vehicle, the dropped paying me down to $50.00 a week for both of them.

In April, I got remarried.  I took a leave of absence from work because my dad is terminal and I need to help my mom with him.  My new husband is paying all the bills. Things are very tight on us.  Especially since he has his bills to pay too.

For $50 a week this is what they get:  I cook all the meals.  Wash dishes 90% of the time.  When I do laundry, I do theirs too. (when she does laundry she only does theirs and whatever is in the bathroom)  We pay the entire mortgage pmt, light bill, a/c unit bill, insurance, cable and dsl.  I do all the yard work.  I sweep and mop.  I can not remember them ever mopping, they have swept a few times.

Most of the time when they come in from work, they both work day shift.   They will go to their room and not come out until supper is ready.  They will eat, help put the food away most of the time and then pile dirty dishes in the sink, then go back to their room to watch TV.  If they want to go out to eat, they do.  I buy the groceries and my husband is a diabetic, certain things I buy for him, she eats.  Or takes to work.  If I buy something special for my youngest son, it gets ate up.  But I am told that whatever food is brought into the house is fair game.  If they go somewhere and eat and bring back a plate, we better not touch it.

I have tried talking to my son about this matter and he gets really defensive.  He has a quick temper and does not mind calling me a bi*** or saying F/U.  I have also been letting him use my car to go back and forth to work because he does not have a vehicle now.  He has been using my car since April and when it needed tires, we bought them in August.  He did not even say since he was using the car he would help pay for them.

Our taxes this year are around $500 due on 12-20.  5 days before Christmas.  We have my youngest son to buy for plus step-grandkids.  I don't know how to do it.  Me and my mom are picking up pecans, on our hands and knees, to have the extra money.  But I am still expected to cook, clean and do what needs doing.

Last week, I had a seziure due to stress.  I have no medical insurance because I had to quit my job after my leave ended.  I need an EEG and CAT scan and can not afford to have that done.

PLEASE help me.  I do not know how to broach the subject without sounding like I am coming down on them.

You have a lot on your plate. Sometime people need to know the whole truth of a situation. Ask for a family meeting. State the facts, with NO judgement. Clearly and lovingly state what each member of the household needs to do for things to go smoothly for all. Remind all that respect is expected. Hope this helps.

I am thinking a free day.. Sunday afternoon works. If you can't get them to the living room because the t.v. is on then turn off the electricity and sit outside until everything is resolved. Sounds harsh? I think what you are experiencing personally and what you have brought your new husband into is much worse! I would make all parties included sign a contract stating what they are responsible for. If your lifestyle is too tough for them then maybe an apt. on their own might be what they need. Monetary payback is nice, but they could also work off rent by deciding which week is theirs to do yard work, buy groceries, wash the car, etc. Tough love works. Take care of yourself. God bless!

I think it might work to frame this as a response to your medical problems. Something to the effect of "This is about my health, right now I am ill and I need you, my family, to take over these responsibilities." Then line out household, financial, and other responsibilities that they need to take on.
Have the ones you can think of listed on paper, ask for input on additional things that need to go on the list, then assign them out with deadlines written on the paper, and tell them that they need to let you know as soon as they have completed a responsibility. Post a complete copy of the assignments and deadlines on the fridge or corkboard, and every week have a little follow-up meeting. People who have already reported as they completed a task, verbally recognize that "John already made a menu for the week, made a shopping list, and bought and put away the groceries for the week. Sunday dinner turned out good. Didn't Mary help you with that, John? Lynn paid the internet and cable bill. Now we don't have a late fee!"
During this meeting, just acknowledge those who have already reported completing a task, and accept reports. Don't ask if they have completed a specific thing. Don't re-state the deadlines that are on the list. They can read. Everybody can see.
Don't do the things they fail to do. Do the things on the list that have YOUR name beside it.
Now, clear this up for me. Your son has been living with you for over a year, for $50/week, except for when he was making a car payment, right? So why is he also using your car?

Your children are grown. Tell them they need to set a timeframe to move out of your home. Why don't you want to sound like you are coming down on them? You NEED to come down on them. If you love your son then encouraging him to take care of himself and his own wife is the best thing you can do for him.

The timeline for moving out is a great idea, but they still need to have the meeting and participate until that time. My grown daughter lives with me and is an equal participant in all aspects of the household. She also helps me and my sister take care of my aged mother as her work and school schedule permit. I love my daughter living with me during this time. Expecting your son and his wife to positively participate in the running of the household will help them to be successful when they do get out on their own.

Yes of course, a family meeting outlining each person's expectations, is absolutely necessary. This should be done for every parent who lets grown kids move back in. I totally agree with 2xstepmom! This is a VERY important step for any family, but especially a son who has no problem disrespecting his parents and their home. During this family meeting, set a timeline for this son to move out and then stick to it. Remind him periodically that you are serious and prepared to kick him out on the due date wheather he has planned and prepared or not. When the time comes, kick him out. Your not helping him by allowing him to suck off you and disrespect you!!

Hope this doesn't sound too it probably will at first, but think about what is at risk here. You love your sons and new huband. But do you love them enough to get tough and think of your future and health? Have you talked to your husband about all this? Surely he has something to say since he is paying all the bills (bet he didn't know that when you got married did he). How does HE feel about your son living with you? Bet he has some ideas and thoughts/feeling about all this. Since he is your husband and not someone who is around to just pay the bills. Get his opinion and thoughts, talk and come to some decions together. That is one of things marriage is about isn't it. Personally I feel any child who is over 18, who can work and still living at home SHOULD be paying his part of the household up-keep. They are both making money for something beside the necessary needs to survive and put bread on the table... so why aren't they?? Since he's married. and they both work they can help out. Did you ever ask how they spend all the money they both make, as you haven't seen much put into housekeeping and car matintance from them. Where do they spend all their money from TWO incomes? WOW!, What child talks to his mother this way... and why? It's becasue he knows what he's doing, and NOT doing and it shows in his actions and language towards you and your household. Such disrespect,it's really wrong. Bet you never ever talked to your parent(s) this way. So why is he? I'm sure you love your sons and your husband. But for these children to disrespect you by being so lazy and inconsiderate of you and your health is unacceptable. I'd even go so far to say that your son and her know they got a good thing going, because where else could they live and eat and have all the housekeeping done for them at $50. a week??? Absolutely not in the real world. If they both work, and have a vehicle what is wrong with them moving out? You say they go out to eat if they want too? Gee I bet you'd love to do that too if you could afford it right. The sit down family talk thing is a good thing to make use of as you can say it all for everyone to hear. Use a smoke alarm or fog horn to get their attention if that is what it takes. Then say "since you are here, I've something to share with you". Your oldest son uses you and will continue to do this unless you stand up to him and tell him. Things like "I am your mother, not your maid so you BOTH can help around here or find somewhere else to live" Along with that I'd add that the food on this shelf or in these cubboards is off limits as this is 'special' food for my husband who is paying for it, they can use another shelf for their restruant foods that no one can touch if you so choose to. Tell them both you need help IF you are going allow them the privilage to stay living with you. That means, rent money! Show them where the money will go. Food, bills, cleaning, ect. Tell them they must pay you for use of your car, and to ask you if they want to use it. Is the title in their names also? It's you who pays the insurance and puts the tires and upkeep into it. So they need to ask to use it and expect them to pay you something each week for it's use and maintance. Otherwise I'd set the deadline (I would anyway). Smile sweetly and tell them you love them enough to see that they start making their own home. Becasue now they've had time to see how you kept them this long and they've seen how to do it all just like you've been doing. Tell them you also have a household to run and clearly can't run two households as your health isn't as good as when he was a young boy. You love them and will be here to offer advice if they ask for it, but you sure need to get on with your new life just as they should now to. Is he gonna be mad?...angry? You bettcha! and they probalby will move out along with of words said in anger. But that again shows how he's been showing respect towards you and your home. They both should help or pack up and move out anyhow it's more than time. Harsh sounding maybe, but tough love IS hard at times but in the long run it shows we love our children. I'm sorry, they both have used you terribly and shown great disrespect towards you. What would happen to your home, and husbnd if you could no longer take care of them? What would happen if things were worse? YOu say this is adding alot of stress to you and this new marriage. Why allow it to continue?.


GO MEANMOM! Seriously ... Tell your son IN ADVANCE that if he disrespects you by saying F/U or B**** then he will get a 30 day eviction notice.. and stick to it...

He is using my car because the vehicle they bought for him, his wife uses. Hers is not running at the moment. As far as my new husband, he knew that my son was paying me $50 a week. He is the one that encouraged me to take a leave of absence from work to help care for my dad. My husband does not mind them living here. He does not know the way my son talks to me because he does not do it when he is home. I don't tell him because I know he will be extremely upset. After we (me and my son) had our fight the other day, they decided to move about 4 miles from here in a trailer. I think we will all be better off. I love him. He is my firstborn son. I feel like I will more than save $50 a week on electricity, food and other essentials. I want to thank everyone. Your opinions and advice helped me make a stand. Again, thank you all.

Your son and DIL are taking advantage of the situation b/c you and your husband are letting them. First and foremost, you need to take care of yourself and your husband. Especially w/ your health issues at stake, neither of you can afford the stress. Secondly, I wld never accept the disrespect and selfishness that your son and DIL are showing you. This is totally unacceptable. They shld be so greatful that they have a roof over their heads, someone to do their laundry, and a warm meal on the table when they get home. They have some nerve expecting all this w/out even lifting a finger to help out. If I were in your shoes, I'd give them a specific time frame (no more than a month, and that's being generous) to get their lives sorted out. Then when the time is up, whether they're ready or not, show them to the door. You are not in any position to make this your problem. Your son and DIL are grown adults, and they have to learn to make it in the real world just like everyone else. Do they really think that Mommy and Daddy are going to support them forever? When they're forced to be out on their own, unless they live off of somebody else, you'll see how quickly your son and DIL grow up.

Dear Becky: Do not take away from your children the opportunity to learn form natural consequences. Mostly important, do not allow your children to keep you hostage in your own home. Do you ever wonder how they are going to survive if you are not around anymore? Your children are old enough to take care of themselves, if they can not afford to pay for a car they should walk, if they can not afford to have their own house, they should go by the rules you and your husband put to run your own home. You are in charge of your household, so you put the rules! The rules should include no disrespecting or calling names to others. When you put the rules make sure to clarify the consequences, it is never too late to teach your children what they should have learned when toddlers. Very important find a time to have this conversation when you are calm. No yelling or screaming should be allowed. Take care of yourself...