fairness - FamilyEducation
01/15/2011 at 16:01 PM

i need some advice...
i have been with my fiance for 2 1/2 yrs. i have a 4 year old daughter and he has a 7 year old and a 3 yr old that we get every other weekend. i just recently purchased my daughter some new school shoes because she really doesnt have any. she has a few pairs of snow boots that her father bought her but they dont stay here with us...well my fiance started an arguement with me and got upset bc i didnt purchase any for his daughters. we had already agreed on buying my daughter some bc we both knew that she needed them but now hes upset. i told him we could buy his girls some when they were with us which wont be for another week but hes still mad. we had also already agreed on buying one girl something with each paycheck..like one girl one week and so on...i can never buy anything for my child without him getting upset and expecting me to include his children every single time...there are times where ive purchased for his children and not mine and of course hes fine with that...but when it comes to my child he always wants to argue...am i being unfair by abiding by our agreement? and whats an easier way to be fair and to explain the fairness to him??

My heart goes out to you.I would definately work this out before you get married, because it will not change afterward.I would follow the agreement that you made originally, one child each paycheck(with allowances for the unexpected needs).Plus, you are your child's primary caregiver meaning her everyday needs are handled by you. School shoes are necessary. His children's mother should buy their shoes, or if he wants to get them, he should work it out with her. It sounds like you have opened your heart to his children and have even agreed to purchase the shoes for the girls, when they visit. He has no right to be angry. Each of these children will be a part of your lives "from this day forward" and if you can't work it out before you marry, it'll only get worse later. I wish you the best.

In order for a family to successfully blend, both adults need to understand that there will be times when things will not be "fair". There is probably no way to explain this concept to him. Either a person gets it or they do not. You and your daughter deserve for you to be able to buy her what she needs when she needs it, without any argument from anyone.

Sounds like dad is frustrated with something and is looking to find anything to lash out at. If the money is not there to do all 3 kids at once, what else can you do? Dad needs to grow up. Most adults have a general idea that life is not always fair. There were times whenI had to purchase things for my kids, but could not do it all on one paycheck. From an early age I have instilled in them the idea that just because one gets something, does not mean they have to have something as well. One solution is to save the money until all three can be purchased, but that shouldnt be necessary.