Dad needs some advice... - FamilyEducation
Dad needs some advice...
06/07/2008 at 06:57 AM

Over the past few months, I have been thinking through a predicament that seems difficult to resolve...Below is some background...

I am a father of 3 children, two adult daughters, in their 20s both married (from previous marriage) and a 9 year old son (from my current marriage).  My two daughters, their husbands and two grandchildren live in one state and My son, wife, and I live in another state (about 5 hours away).

I moved to the distant state about 8 years ago in part for work reasons and in part to allow my wife to be near her family.  We have settled into this new community quite well and my wife is very grateful to be close to her mother who she sees almost every day. 

I have the type of job that would allow me to live in either place (where I am now or where my daughters live) and am having thoughts that I should move back to where my daughters so I can be close to all my chidren and grandchildren.

I fear that if I don't do this, i will have nothing but a superficial relationship with my daughters and grandchildren.

The rub is that my wife would only agree to move grudgingly and would probably be resentful.  It is not helpful that my job causes me to travel a couple days each week so that our current living situation (e.g. near mom, etc.) is conforting to my wife.

As I think through my predicament, I am having a very hard time sorting through how to make this feels like a win/lose decision, no matter how I look at it.

Thanks in advance to anyone who would like to offer me some advice or a way to more clearly think through my situation.

This is a tough situation b/c I understand how you wld want to be close to your family, and your wife wld want to be near her family. It sounds like from your post that there's no in-between option, it's either here or there. Since your job allows you to travel, is it possible for you to see your family during those times (that's if you're traveling to their state)? Or can they come to you? Maybe you can arrange something w/ your family so you can see them more often. I don't want to say your wife is being selfish, but is she willing to bend even a little? If distance is the problem, maybe your families can meet half way or otherwise split the cost of travel. This is a tough one, but I hope I helped somewhat.

Thank you for your helpful response. I have thought about combining travel trips to have me near my adult children's homes..That potentially, is a way to make it not such a win/lose situation...a couple of downsides to that suggestion: 1. it would put me more days on the road traveling...which is now pretty high to begin with, and 2. it wouldn't put my wife, younger son, and all of us together, which is what I really want... Yet, i think a compromise is what needs to happen. Any other thoughts are welcome.

CTDad, I can imagine it's tought to be away from your grown daughters and especially your grandchildren because they will not know you as well as they could if they saw you every day. I think your biggest responsibility is to your wife and 9 year old son. How is your 9 year old adjusted to his new school and such. If he moves to be closer to your daughters, then he will miss out on his mother's family and if he does not, then he will miss out on some time with his older sisters. This must be a difficult decision, but in my opinion, you should first consider your wife and young son. I'm sorry you can't just have everyone with you. Your kids have lives/spouses/children of their own and even your small boy will eventually be grown and move on. When your kids have to put their children and spouses first, your wife will be the one who is with you forever . Good luck!!

Thank you tamz.... I think your point of view is how I am netting out on this difficult decision. Or at least staying with the status quo seems to indicate that. The fact of the matter is that my son is well entrenched in our current community... I need to find better ways to bond with my adult children and their children (my grandchildren) without living nearby... Thanks again,