Frustrated
06/19/2007 at 11:03 AM

I need help! Most advice I've read references a mothers' behavior. Women who are not yet ready to allow their new husband to assist in parenting "her" children. Well, I am a woman who is in the reverse role, dealing with a husband who doesn't want me to say anything to "his" children. "my children" as he refers to them.  My husband says they are children of divorce so he feels he has to overcompensate by letting them run the house on their weekends.  I am the silent partner who has no say and may not make any suggestions good, bad or indifferent. This has been going on for the past 4 years and as the children are getting older the family situation is getting worse. The children's disrespectful attitude and behavior toward me is not their fault, they are just following what they have been taught by their father  There are no rules at our house for the children. I have spoken to my husband and told him that in the long run the children will not have any respect for him either. They need rules, disclipine and guidiance. But I need help on the best way to handle this situation.        

Hey grey,

 

Welcome to the boards.  It is so hard to blend families.  I think that a lot parents who do not have custody feel so guilty about what little time they have to spend with their children that they bend over backwards to not discipline them.  The "disney dad" syndrome where the parent just wants to have fun with kids.  However, when you get remarried you have to take your spouse into consideration.  I think that you have to continue to talk to your husband about it and tell him that you are not going to be disrespected in your home--if he won't do anything then you will.  I would also suggest that you consider counseling so that you and your husband can come up with a plan that works for the kids and both of you.

 

Keep us posted!

 

Marti

 

http://www.familyeducation.com/home/

cid
606

This has been going on for so long that I also think you should seek group counseling. 

cid
615

I MARRIED MY HUSBAND IN 97 AND I TOOK ON HIS TWO KIDS AND A CRAZY EX-WIFE. I WAS ONLY 20 AT THE TIME. MY HUSBAND WORKED SHIFTWORK AND I WAS THE PRIMARY CAREGIVER TO THESE CHILDREN. I TOOK CARE OF THEM DAY AND NIGHT UNTIL, I HAD COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT THEY HAD TO LEARN TO RESPECT ME. WHEN I CAME ALONG, THEY HAD NO RULES, NO BEDTIMES, AND NO SCHEDULE.

FOR SANITY SAKE, YOU HAVE TO HAVE DISCIPLINE IN THE HOUSEHOLD OR THEY WILL NOT RESPECT YOU.

I WENT THROUGH A LOT OF GRIEF WITH EX WIFES, EX MOTHER N LAWS. (BUT WHEN THEY GOT TIRED OF WATCHING THEM ON THEIR DAYS - GUESS WHO THEY BROUGHT THEM TO)

I AM GOING THROUGH A WHOLE DIFFERENT SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES NOW, BUT IF YOU EVER NEED ANYONE TO TALK TO -PLEASE EMAIL ME BACK AT MEBBAK@YAHOO.COM MY NAME IS ERICA AND I AM A STAY AT HOME MOM OF 6 AND I COULD USE SOME ADULT CONVERSATION.

cid
724

Basically it is the fear in the mind of husband that the stepmother is going to treat the children in a traditional way. this is the reason why he does'nt want your role with the children. In a way, he is justified in his approach. However, if you sincerely feel you can organize them and do something beneficial for them, you have to adopt indirect approach. Do not talk about discipline at this stage. Plan out re-creation for them, buy new stuff like clothing shoes etc or something for their room. Now this is up to you either to go directly and ask the kids asking what about doing this? or go thru your husband. I am sure, after sometime you will be able to discipline them but that to will be with their agreement like "what if we do it like this --(stating the negative and positive sides). Iam sure with alittle patience you can handle the situation.   

cid
1215

Hi

I read your story, my life is a spittin image of your's.

I married a guy 3 years ago and he has 2 boys, now 11 and 13. Their mom died 6 years ago. Basically I am the bad guy, and I regret ever meeting him from day 1, I blame myself for getting in this step mom situation. He let's his 2 boys be dis-respectful to me always, then he tells me I provoke everything, he says this in front of his 13 year old thus teaching him that dad is now against mom, I am heart broken that the man who supposedly loves me thinks I provoke, he is so completely against me it sickens me. We split up last november, then in january decided to give it another try, well... here we are again, back to square 1 with the same old problems. I told him today that I did not want to be married to him anymore and he gladly expressed that he would have papers drawn Monday, he really doesn't care and I have stopped loving him and I just can't ever be important in his yes because he has a 13 year old son who would love to see us split up again. Well... due to my husbands lack of ability to be a firm father, he has now earned himself a divorce. I am 42 and I am just wasting my time with a complete idiot of a man.

cid
1381