family drama at my house - FamilyEducation
family drama at my house
08/31/2010 at 08:24 AM

My sister and her boyfriend came down in April with their baby and they have not yet found a job. They are living with us for free. Just about every day they argue around me my husband and one year old son. I am gettiong so tired of the drama and not sure what to do. They do not even try to help out in any way. Family thinks we should get along and make it work. I am getting stressed out and depressed. Any advice would be nice. Thanks Amanda

Hi.. Try to sit down with your sister and talk to her about what bother you. Its very nice to help our relatives but sometimes they will use our kindness till the limit that we loose the control over our house. Are there any alternatives like: 1- Can they stay in your mother's house? 2- can they stay at the family house of the boyfriend? 3- are they really seaching for a job or just depending that there is already a shelter to occupy them? 4- Does your sister help you at house work? 5- do they give your family a privacy sometimes? 6- Can you take your husband and your little son and go outside ALONE sometimes without their company? Waiting to hear from you soon.
cid
24457

My mom does not want them to live with her. My sister is depressed and she does not need all this drama in her life. My sister gives us to much drama. She barely even tries to look for a job. All she does is stay online all day. My husband and i have long talks with her to try and put things in positive terms to help her but she takes the advice but not for long then she is making up excuses that she does not have a car or anything. I am mentally tired and stressed out of trying to help. My husband works his ass off to support all of them. We have barely made it in the house hold with bills. They are probably secure with what they do have a free place that maybe they just dont care about how we feel.
cid
24461

Dear mandibabe8, I will try my best to help you, dont worry.. But I have some questions and I would like you to answer them so that we will find a solution. 1- Is your sister a trouble maker so that your mom doesnt want her to stay with her? 2- Is it something belongs to your mom's mode? Sometimes the mothers will be moody dont they? If this is the reason, then its time to talk to YOUR MOM. 3- why the couples are without support? Does the boyfriend used to work before? and what is he doing now? 4- What is the role of the boyfriend's family? Maybe your sister is depressed bcs she thought that it should be your mom's responsibility to take care of her. I need to know the answer to these questions one by one pls, then I will skip to next level. Waiting
cid
24462

Yes my sister is a trouble maker but in a guilty way to were she tries to start drama because she thinks no one loves her and she feels alone without anything. Mom has enough drama and she told me she is already going through depression that she is just going to feel even more depressed if they move in. With her she is having a break own right as i type. She is sauing no one cares about her even though we have tried to help lots of times. Her boyfriend has drugs on his background so he cannot get a job. his family seems to not want to help and not welling to try to ask them for help
cid
24463

Yes I know that type of people unfortunatly. They like to be the center of attention all the time even if they sometims create anything to be in the spot. Maybe your sister was having a life full of joy before this boyfriend came into town. After she knew him, it seems that she got lots of troubles that she missed the free life she used to have. And it seems that her choise was not good, even your mother doesnt like him. Now your sister in a situation that she can not admit that was wrong. Can I talk to her?? If yes, ask the management her to delete your subject so that she will not see. Then open another subject called "Free discussion", and dont tell her that you are its owner. Let her blow up there with the negative feelings that she has.. And everyone here is very kind and helpful. They will sort out her problems and yours as well, without telling her.. I will try my best, dont worry.. If the answer is no, let me know to give you other alternatives.
cid
24475

Wow 4 months, if either of them had been working they could have saved up enough to get a car and/or put a deposit on a place of their own. I think you need to have a sit down talk with everyone and set down some rules and expectations. One of them needs to make a trip to the local unemployment office (even people with felonies can get jobs).
cid
24476

I would say she can come on here and let oput her feelings but i think she will not listen to advice since she does not listen to family advice. And for her boyfriend not sure what kind of work he can do.
cid
24478

I would say she can come on here and let oput her feelings but i think she will not listen to advice since she does not listen to family advice. And for her boyfriend not sure what kind of work he can do.
cid
24479

A person always will listen from a stranger rather than listening from a family's member. Its is very common. Think about it and let us know. If it didnt work,then we can talk here to solve this problem.
cid
24487

My sister said she does not like talking about her problems and life online.
cid
24498

I think the best solution is to sit down all of you together like one of the members here said. That means you, your husband, your sister and her boyfriend. Before setting this meeting, you should sit with your husband and agree to talk on some main points. But only YOU who will speak in the name of your family. You should give them time limit, one of them should be able to find work and be responsible for his/her family. It is nice to help your first relatives for a matter of time but people should understand that we help them to rise up again, its not a help for good. When a person is sick, he goes to the doctor to take the medicine, even if the medicine is sour, the patient will take it. Even if the surgery is painful, the patient will do it. That is an introduction to NOT pay attention to your sister's or boyfriend's distress. Sometimes if the medicine is strong but the healing is fast. God knows that I am not pushing you against your sister but I want her to realize that life responsibility is on her shoulder and her partner's shoulder, not yours. If your sister found your new meeting a bad attitdue and I expect she will describe you as un faithful sister, you should speak to her nicely and firmly in the same time. Tell her that this is for the benifit of her family. You want her to have a nice normal life and this will not happen only by work. I bet she is sad now with herself but she is denying that. No one can live the way she is and be happy!!. I bet on that. Its very hard as well that she knows that her mother will not accept her at home, so try to be nice to her with expressing your passion to your sister. In the same time, tell her that its time now for a change in her family. You have to sit with all of the members and set rules at home. They should know their duties as well. Put a time limit for their staying. If the time comes and there is no change, then the boyfriend should leave the house and stay outside till he get a job. Its not your responsibility to support him as well. Its your responisibility to support your sister only. He should learn to rise the support of his family on himself not on anybody else. I think this would work. Let me know what would happend.
cid
24502

I have a different focus for your discussion. It is very possible that there is no work to be found in your area. I have a neighbor who has been diligently looking for work for six months and has found only temporary jobs. It may be that the job situation is beyond anyone's control at this time. My focus would be, that you ask your guests to keep their private problems private. It may be appropriate for you to provide them with shelter, but they need to find a place for their arguments that is away from the rest of the family.
cid
24503

I feel a huge amount of sympathy for you. I agree with randosha that there is only so much you can do to support others. You have been very, very generous having your sister staying with you for such a long time, but it is clearly causing your family too much distress. If your sister is clinically depressed, then no amount of talking with her will improve the problem. In this case, you really do need to tell her that she needs help, and that your family can no longer manage to keep supporting her. I can tell you this after having been through depression myself. I know that there is a lot of pain and hurt around at present with the current economic woes, but you need to be careful that you and your family do not become another casualty. Your sister sounds like she is only just managing in survival mode. I would suggest that there are other people or organizations that must take up this duty? I wish you strength to handle this difficult and delicate family matter.
cid
24506

Thanks a lot for all your help. I am having a difficult time and a lot of what you all have been helping us with seemed to not work at the time we did it. I have bent over backwards to help her out. I am sick and tired of having to come home and hear about what is not going well in her life. I am also realizing that she gets paranoid like we are talking about her when we really are not. She leaves the doors open to the bathroom and fridge so my one year old can get in the toilet. She likes to waste electricity and toilet paper. My man is working his but off to support all of us and we try to tell them to be more considerate. They really have no were else to go because no one wants them anywhere else. I am stressed out of my mind and body of all the drama I have had over the year. I just gave birth a year ago and I still have bad anxiety. I am going to my externship hoping that I will get a job soon after I Graduate. I am seriously dying for that chance. I am pulling 50 hours just so I can fly by. I am just wanting to let it out on here because I really can not let it out anywhere else. My husband hears it enough but we both agree with what we are dealing with.
cid
24541

The situation seems to be very difficult. As it is not appropriate to throw your sister's family to the street specially they have a baby. But the only thing as I told you is to set a meeting and put a time line, then everything has to be over
cid
24568

You need to set a timeline for their exit and stick to it. You also need to provide an environment of harmony for your son. Your child is your first responsibility and he deserves to have peace in his home. You need to let your sister know that she and her husband will need to argue outside your home and if there is "drama" then they need to remain silent until they are in private. Tamz
cid
24569

I have had plenty of talks but they have no respect. They get even more dramatic when we give them a time limit. Like we are the bad people. I spend most of the time in the bedroom with my son or out side. Nothing is getting her off her butt to go do anything. I would think she would try harder with having a child now.
cid
24574

Are you afraid to take an action ?? I dont have any clue about the way of life that people are living in US bcs I am not American. But before taking an action, try to search for some centers that can support people who are without work for a temporary time, till they have work. The second possible action you can take is as I told you before, and if you are afraid that people in the neighborhood will say that you have thrown your sister's family to the street, then be sure that you are not responsible to take care of your sister's partner rather than your sister. She is no.1 in your priority even if she doesnt understand what you are doing since April to help her. Your sister's partner can leave the house till he find work, then rent a house and call your sister to live in. By this action, you will teach that man how to handle the responsibility of his family, you will teach your sister to think for awhile away from any stress or effect, and you will have a balance in your private life. That Partner needs to be a MAN, not a young man anymore.. Life is hard and its not a game to live that way he is living. Having a baby is another responsibility that he should work hard to support him/her. There is no other solution for me only that. You may face some LOUD NOISE when doing such process but those couples do not understand that what you are doing for them is for their benificiary. I wonder really how having a baby is easier than holding the responsibility of a family? Which one should come first???
cid
24592

Hi there, Any news with you???
cid
24839