You deserved it. - FamilyEducation
You deserved it.
06/14/2011 at 01:43 AM

When I asked my mother why us kids were so severely hit, beat, belted, spanked, etc. she smugly said "You deserved it!" I was nearly 50 at the time and no longer AFRAID of her, so I told her "That's a rotten LIE. We never "deserved" any of that - we deserved sensible and adequate training and guidance, not spirit breaking ABUSE!" She quickly changed the subject!
It makes me sick when I hear adults saying they deserved what they got or that their kids deserved what they gave them. As though any punishment or "consequence" an authority mets out is JUST FINE (so long as the victim is helpless!) and then the sad victims turn around and proudly claim they deserved it also! I might deserve a ticket but not a whipping by a police officer! Would a judge say "You deserve a beating" as an appropriate and sensible CONSEQUENCE for your misbehavior? So why is it OK to hit, beat, spank, etc. defenseless kids as a just and well "deserved" consequence?
Our parents beat and spanked us only BECAUSE THEY COULD and then covered up their CRIME with the LIE that we deserved it. An abuser can come up with any "reason" they want when there is absolutely no consequence to the abuser for their actions.
You didn't deserve it and your kids don't deserve it. We all DESERVED reasonable and useful GUIDANCE or Discipline (training), not savage brutality or some little old spanking!
So, did you "deserve" what you got? Is so, exactly why?

I believe in spanking, and have used it. A pop on the rear end is not savage brutality, or a beating.

Some parents are too lazy or too overwhelmed to teach, and spank instead of teaching. I spank, but rarely, and never just because I'm angry.

Mayamay, which one am I; lazy or overwhelmed?

You mean you don't teach? I don't think that everyone who spanks fails to teach. I think that on occasion, spanking is an 'attention getting' technique. As I said, I spank, but the decision to do so is a thoughtful decision. If I am tired or overwhelmed, I leave the spanking tool in the toolbox. As with woodworking tools, some discipline tools should be used only when one is fully alert.

One of my least favorite phrases was when my parents said, "Shut up, or I'll give you something to cry about!" However, when I was faced with a child whose go-to mode of communication was crying, I found myself telling her something like, "You need to learn another way to tell me what you need. So, next time you cry when you need something, I'm going to spank you so you'll think of the other ways you can tell me what you need." (We'd already tried "let's make a deal" and it didn't work for her like it did the other kids.) In other words, I told her "Shut up, or I'll give you something to cry about." AAAARGH! It took about 3 days of consistently giving her a pop on the tush, and then she started asking for things without crying. Life was much better for the whole family, including her, after that.

She deserved the opportunity to learn to manage her emotions. She deserved effective feedback. And she got what she deserved. Boy that sounds awful.

LOL, I wouldn't argue with all of you "spankers" except to say I think you are all in denial and just trapped in your own INSANITY & DELUSIONS! I'd love to hear what your kids have to say about your hitting methods to get fearful OBEDIENCE from your helpless little animals. It's your life and your family so go for it - there isn't anything or anyone to stop you or rescue your victims anyway! I look forward to the day that kids have as much legal protection and civil rights as even farm animals in our mysterious culture. We all know that you hit because you are very ignorant COWARDS & BULLIES. You don't DARE hit someone your own size! So go on lying to your selves and each other!! LOL

You are still in so much pain. I am sorry. Your parents were not competent and you pay the price. It is a terrible thing.

Jim, seek therapy. Not everyone is the boogie-man. Do you refer to your own children as animals? You sound like you have some serious problems. Time to move on Jim. Pull up your big-boy pants and get over it already. Your attempt to unlock the mystery of "spankers" is even less accurate than your interpretation of the bible. Ya know, one does not have to hit in order to be a coward and a bully, they can use words as well. Your personal attacks on other’s who post here simply because they have different beliefs than you is not what this message board is for. Use facts, or personal experience to show your side of the issue, but don't attack.

SnglDad, follow your own advice!

Thanks for the reply Jim, it was just what I expected.

The most important aspect of disciplining a strong willed child is consistency. The strong willed child pushes boundaries and tries to gain control Thanks for sharing the informative post. Regards, Jack - disciplining strong willed children

Author: michiel923: thanks for sharing and good luck

to: michiel923 re: The strong willed child pushes boundaries and tries to gain control. >> The child is not interested in “control” as most adults are but is pushing to get ATTENTION or LOVE. The adult sees this as a threat to their cherished CONTROL or authority and punishes the child. The child accepts that as the best attention/love that they can get from the otherwise too busy, preoccupied, disinterested, hostile, tired, love-less parent and walks away believing that they (child) were LOVED! The child is systematically being taught that if they want or need attention/love, they have to act up or make a mistake which is the only thing the negligent parent or teacher will respond to and give the “NEEDY” child a little (negative) attention.

We have a wonderful forum here so let's keep it that way! ~ Host Marti

see previous post

My criteria for spanking are these. 1. The child must be able to walk. This is about judging the developmental stage of the child. If a child is unable to transport him/herself quickly, then whatever trouble the child gets into is a failure of the parent, not of the child. 2. The offense must involve danger, destruction of property, or (you will no doubt disapprove of this) deliberate defiance of authority. 3. I must not be angry. I'm pretty sure I can tell if I am angry, but if you need a description of the symptoms, it includes a feeling of pressure, a desire to strike or call names or yell.

If these criteria are met, then I will consider spanking the child. If they are not met, I will not even consider it. If the child is in danger AND I am angry, I will get the child out of danger, and go work off my anger. If the child is destroying property, I will remove the child or the property from the situation, and go work off my anger. If the child is defying my authority in the absence of danger or destruction of authority, I will go work off my anger. As I said, I spank rarely. It is usually not necessary to get my child's attention in that way. I think that my children have been spanked when they didn't understand the verbal direction to 'stay on the sidewalk.' I believe that they can learn the principle before they understand the words, and I believe that the principle of staying out of traffic is an important principle to learn.

I don't remember spanking any of my children after they became capable of three word sentences, EXCEPT my 13 year old son, when he was tormenting his 7 year old sister, (and that whiny child). They are 20 and 14 now. They are in the kitchen at this moment figuring out something for dessert. They don't seem to require my attention.

I deserved the spankings I got as a child. I can't speak for anyone else that I don't know, but I suspect that most kids who were spanked did, generally, deserve it.