Brady Bunch of Stress - FamilyEducation
Brady Bunch of Stress
12/26/2010 at 19:53 PM

Hi. I''m in my late 20s and living in a home with 6 kids, all under the age of 9. Ive NEVER wanted a big family. I like living in a quiet, clean and very orderly calm household. I have ALWAYS raised my children to live the same way and be respectful of the people around them, especially of those they have to share a living space with. 6 months ago my boyfriend and I moved in together, me with my 3 kids and him with his 3 kids and now I'm about ready to have a break down and need some advice.

We each have 3 kids, a total of 6 (Mine are 5 months, 7, and 8, His are 8 and 5 year old twins) between the two of us. It''s evident that our children have been raised differently. My children are more obedient, clean up after themselves, rarely argue, never talk back, and are always happy and willing do what they are told. His children on the other hand are constantly arguing (so much I have never ending headaches), hitting each other, tattling, never share, throw food and candy all over the house, and have to be told 10 times to do anything and they STILL hardly ever do it. They seem to not have any respect for anything or anyone. My boyfriend seems to get calls on a weekly basis from their school with reports of them fighting, talking back, hurting other kids, and getting sent to either detention or removed all together from school in ISS.

My boyfriend and I get along wonderfully, but seem to always be getting into arguments regarding his children or stuff in my house getting broken, my kids being verbally, and sometimes physically attacked and our kids CONSTANTLY fight. I have always appreciated having quiet "good" kids who advance in school, and help out without even being told (for example, I got out of the shower one day, to find my kids had made my bed and picked up my laundry, where as anytime I leave the room his kids get into something they are not supposed to and break something). I am raising 3 kids of my own, so I know that I cant ALWAYS be in the same room as them to be watching their EVERY action. Heck, even when I AM in the same room and ask them very nicely to put down that very expensive piece of equipment that is not intended for kids and is NOT a toy, they still keep playing with it as if they didn''t hear me. More than once they have got in my face and my children''s faces and screamed at us.

... Long story short (and Ill spare the HOURLY stress headache educing occurrences) , this has gone on for 6 months now and I''m getting to the point I cant take this anymore. It''s become tumultuous! I''m constantly on edge. I am no longer comfortable in my own home. Every opportunity I get, I try my best to get out of the house just so I can be somewhere quiet. My boyfriend and I have sat down on many occasions to discuss the many things we could try and it just doesn''t seem to work and we cant for the love of anything get his children to behave, and whats worse (not to sound snotty) but I think its having a negative affect on MY children (they have started to talk back, not do what they are told, and my middle child is having emotional breakdowns and hides in a corner and cries and wont talk to anyone) and when they see his kids running around and bouncing off walls, they want to do it too, and I have to be the "mean" parent. Ive suggested therapy (perhaps they are acting out as a result of his divorce), and even the possibility of ADHD medication, which he doesn''t want to do either. But I''m no doctor, so I cant blame him for not taking my advice.

When we first moved in together, I was living in a very loud, messy place of chaos as well, and he promised me when we moved in together, Id have the quiet clean house I am comfortable in. He knew I do not function well (I suffer from anxiety) in that type of environment. He gets upset anytime I mention that his kids did something that bothered me and I would like him to talk to them about it. He says that if I love him, I will learn to love his kids too and accept them just the way they are, that If I want to stay with him, then Im going to learn to have to live with his kids too, faults and all. I DO love him so much and hes a wonderful boyfriend, but his kids drive me crazy. I''m going to get to a point soon where I''m going to have to break up with HIM, because I cant take dating him AND his 3 disrespectful children. Am I being uptight? Should I just let my hair go gray and live with a constant headace, bite my tongue, and eventually die of a stress induced heart attack just to prove that I DO love my boyfriend and I will accept his kids into my life and home, despite the affect its having on me and MY kids? Any advice???

Also, their mom doesn't help. She has told them bascially they have no rules in her house, and that she chooses to "pick her battles" and if they dont want to do something, they dont have to. HER way of raising kids is affecting MY home and MY children as well.

Shes a worthless mother who has her boyfriend take care of them while she sleeps all day, never bathes them and gives them a diet of candy and junk food. Christmas, They came back reeking of urine and BO, and in the same clothes my boyfriend had sent them in DAYS before, with them saying their mom never gave them a bath and let them wear the same clothes for 3 days and repeatedly pee their pants and sit in. (contacting SRS doesn't do any good because they warn her before they do an inspection so she quickly bathes the kids and puts them in clean clothes to get to keep them because shes dependent on child support and money from the state).

They have also came back with gum in their hair, chunks of hair missing from their clothes and hair, feet totally blackened, shorts and flip flops in the middle of winter, miss multiple days of school every week, wear their clothes and urine soaked pajamas to school several days in a row (again, these are things I think she should lose custody of her children for, but I have no say so in any of this, because its between her and my boyfriend) but me and my kids are being affected. How these children are being neglected and raised, (neglected by their mom, and spoiled by their dad who feels sorry for them and doesnt want to discipline them) is blatantly having a negative impact on their behavior and conduct, which is having a negative affect on me and my family. What do i do?

Are you living with this man, or dating him as you stated near the end of your first post? Do these children live with their father full time? You mention them being with their mother for days at a time. With whom were you living prior to this? Also, you state you have been with this man for 6 months and you have a 5 month old child? You do not mention if the father of the baby and your other children sees your children.

Unless your 5 month old is the bio-child of this man, I would advise you to maintain a separate household. The two families just are not a good fit. Compromise involves each side giving up something. If only one side is giving way that isn't compromise, it's surrender.