5 year old who does what she wants
07/31/2007 at 15:54 PM

My husband and I are having problems with our daughter.  She doesn't listen all the time,  she thinks she can do what she wants when she wants to.  I am frustrated because I really don't want to spank her or take things away, yet I am finding myself doing both.  We have tried time out.  She even goes there herself.   I believe she is very smart, but tries us all the time.  We do follow through with punishments and have been for the last 5 years.  She still tries.  I would think it would stop by now.

I'm having the same problem with my five year old.  She is my only child and can be very trying at times.  I've tried numerous techniques to try and avoid those daily battles, but to no avail.  She's generally a pretty good kid, but listening is a definate problem area.  I've tried doing reward systems for good listening.  It doesn't work all that well because her attention span isn't that long.  I've gotten a few things from Nanny 911, nothing has worked well for me.  She is at her worst when she is tired, so I'm trying to read her tireness to avoid getting to the point of frustration.  I just hate being frustrated with her.  I try and resort to early to bed or doing something quiet/relaxing such as reading a story or doing a dot to dot.

cid
1226

I have read what the 2 mothers of 5 year olds have written, and I feel how frustrated and at wits end that you both are.

I have 4 grown children, have a degree in Early Childhood Education and 22+ years in the Childcare field.

Moms, please believe me when I say....be careful of all the "techniques" out there.  The best very basic advice I have for you is to remember above all else - YOU are the parent and they are the children.

At this age you can not, must not, try to be their friend and try to win their love and acceptance.  It is your job to be their authority.  Authority with love and respect, but they need to learn to respect and listen to you. We are all afraid of two words in this present generation and those words are "NO" and "obedience".

Parenting can be easier if you show unconditional love to your child and give her strong and consistant boundaries and insist that she obeys  you.

If you need more information on exactly how to do those basic things, I would be glad to elaborate via email.

cid
2730

Hi MBeth,

I have a 3 and 6 year old, boy and girl respectively, that don't listen to a word I say. I find myself repeating the same thing over and over and over until I am screaming and at my wits end.

I feel like I have zero control and have spanked them on occasion on the behind. I send them to their rooms and take things away but to no avail.

 

We do have a good relationship and show each other unconditional love and we do things together all the time but that does not stop them from completely ignoring me. I work 2 days a week and my husband works from home so they are always with either one of us. They have friends and have play dates and birthday parties and are always pretty good. My friends say they are polite to them and they seem to be well liked by their friends.

Any advice for a mom that is obviously failing?

Thank you.

 

cid
2855

I think your kids are probably as frustrated with the situation as you are. 

 

Is the problem obedience, or prompt obedience?  One of the little girls I took care of just took a little while to process the command.  If I just gave her a short time to finish what she was doing--even if it looked to me like she was doing NOTHING, she almost always complied.  My daughter implemented this idea with her little girl by counting out loud, not the threatening 1, 2, 3, WHAM! kind of counting, but just counting, to see how long it took to comply.  Sometimes she'll count for a couple of minutes.  It helps keep the command in the mind of the child, without escalating the emotions.  Usually, her daughter obeys before she gets to 10.

 

Another question is, do your kids just have too much to do?  I wonder if today's families have enough time for family life to blossom naturally.  It seems like families have about 3 minutes a day of together, non-stressed time.  Even if they eat dinner together, they've got 10 minutes to gobble it down, then clean up and get to the next thing.

 

cid
2856

Young children feel safer, when they know someone is in charge. Most times parents get sucked into the philosophy that they have to ask kids to do things rather than tell them. I like the instruction, warning and correction model. You give your child instruction, in other words you tell them what to do. If they don't comply you offer one and I repeat one warning. If they fail to comply, you let them know that they were disobedient, but you don't tell them what the consequence is going to be. You wait for them to express the next need or want that they have. You then refuse their request. If they ask why tell them it is because of the way they reacted to your request earlier. Consequences don't have to be immediate, when they are imposed this way they keep us as parents from having a knee jerk reaction. Ask yourself sometime, who is in charge here? You know that you are, let your kids know this also.For a great site go to www.behavioral-management.com

cid
2980

I have a 3 year old that acts this same way, she has other issues that I would discuss thru email.  If you dont mind.  

cid
3570

that comment was to MBeth, I'm sorry... 

cid
3571

i am having a similar problem with my 6 year old things are gettingout of hand and every parenting book and class i have read or taken adentifies the problem but i need a coherant solution. i would love any advice

cid
3963

mbeth,

I have a 5 year old boy who does not listen. I do beleive he has selective listening. My wife and I have tried rewarding for good behavior and priveledges taken away fro bad behavior but it does not seem to work. We have had him go to sleep cryinbg many nights when he did not listen or did he knew he was not suppose to and got the consequnece of either not playing or TV time taken away, then he is fine for maybe a day or 2 and then he back to same grind what are your suggestions in this case

cid
6618

Selective hearing is a nice way of saying that your child does not respect you enough to give you his undivided attention. I refuse to ask for my children's attention, I demand it. I do not reward for good behavior. Good behavior is to be expected. I do reward when my kids do things that are above and beyond what they are suppose to do., but listening, and doing as they are told, is not grounds for a reward. When you are talking to your child, is he looking at you and listening? When I speak to my children there is no fidgeting, no looking around, and they may talk when I am finished (GASP!!!). If I suspect that they are not listening, I will ask them to repeat what I just said.

As a society we have become too understanding. We have given the power to children to run our lives, and our households. When my oldest son was having problems getting dressed for school on time I started waking him up a half hour earlier. It was amazing to see how fast he could turn his behavior around in order to get that half hour back.. After a week of following through I let him sleep in longer. This is no longer an issue.

The great part is that the guidelines I have set from the beginning are instilled in my kids. Both are top students. Both have received several citizenship awards for being trustworthy and unselfish. Never once have I gotten a call or note saying that they were disruptive in class, or caused any problems. Set a goal as to what you expect from your children, and accept nothing less.

cid
6625

SnglDad,
I really like what you said about not rewarding for good behavior, that good behavior is to be expected. I also know what you mean about parenting styles changing, and how as a society, we've become too understanding. I cldn't agree more. I think rewarding for positive behavior works, but it shld be for those things that are extraordinary, like you stated. We had a potty training issue w/ my youngest son. We used to reward treats for making pee-pee in the potty, but now each time he makes pee-pee, he expects to get a treat. It's getting out of hand. Meanwhile, he often refuses to poop in the potty, but he still expects to be rewarded for #1. Not happening. Both my husband and I are pretty strict w/ our boys. My husband tends to have a lot less patience, however, so often I intervene. What I don't agree w/ that he does sometimes is get that drill sergeant attitude, demanding the kids to do something when they don't listen. I don't like negotiating w/ kids either, but there shld be some middle ground. There also shld be consequences set for certain actions. I think if you can keep a calm, cool tone, but still get your pt across firmly, that's best. You need to set a good expl for your children, and later on they'll thank you for it. SnglDad, I applaud you for your parenting methods. I can only imagine how difficult it must be doing it alone. I have another set of hands, and it's still really tough. Your kids are lucky to have such a good role model as their dad.

cid
6630

I'm also having the same problems!! I have a 6 year old son that doesn't listen, he thinks he can do whatever he wants. He tells me that I'm mean and that I love our 18 month old son more than him. He's in first grade and has started getting notes sent home. When we tell him what he "is" going to do, he screams and says he's not, he tells us "NO", and has even gone as far as telling me he will shoot me with his gun. (toy gun) I know he's just a child, but it does scare me when he says things like that. My husband is a Police Officer, so I believe he thinks he is too. My husband and I do believe in spanking (as a last resort), and we take things away and punish him, but still, nothing works. We try to spend time with him and love him but then he thinks we're supposed to do that constantly (spend time w/him). We can't be here all the time with him and my 18 month old is still a baby and gets into things, so of course we have to constantly keep an eye on him. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!!! I don't know what else to do!!!!!!!

cid
7227

SnglDad,

I really admire how you are raising your children and am envious of your success. I would love for you to share with me more of your techniques in getting your children to respect you and what you say/ask.

I am a single mother of two boys, ages 5 and 7. Their father is never involved, except when he visits them every two years.... Most of my family lives out of state, so it really is just the three of us. When you said "...We have given the power to children to run our lives, and our households" it is as if you are speaking directly to me. I feel so invisible sometimes. I know that I am the one who's allowed the problems escalate. I admit my follow through lacks sometimes. How do you do it all? And do it so well?

We DO have lots of good times - I am sure they know I love them more than anything. I know they love me more than anything. We laugh and play a lot. BUT, getting through the defiance of my 5 year old is proving to be the challenge of my life. Many days I end up in tears because I just don't know how to deal with him.

I take things away, I reward, I talk, I yell, I time-out, I swat butts, etc., but nothing works. Now, after only 3 weeks in Kindergarten, he's brought home 2 notes for me to sign because of his fighting on the playground.

I'm so lost and would truly appreciate any advise on how I can turn this situation around.

cid
7244

Hello MBeth,

After reading your post (and your background), I was hoping you could elaborate on the "basic things" with regards to a strong-willed child. I have a 5 year old (almost 6) son who, though very bright and loving at times, is also very defiant 90% of the time and physically attacks me at home (hitting, biting scratching, etc.), grocery store, etc. He tells me to shut my mouth, calls me "fat", etc.

I have tried EVERYTHING including but not limited to consistent time outs, a reward system for good behavior, and spanking. Spanking (which we only used for about a month) had the greatest positive effect but I had him see a child-psych this summer & she said not to spank & that I could be hotlined for it!!! Mind you, he is far from abused and I was upset by her comment bcz it took me so long (and many disagreements with my husband) to agree to spank. When I spanked, I used a frosting spatula over pants with three short wacks. It was an "I mean what I say" spank vs. an uncontrolled frustration spank. .

At any rate, my family members are unsupportive and judgmental and I'm really at a loss when it comes to helping him, disciplining him, and establishing that I AM THE PARENT. I'll try anything.

So much for the hippie dippie parenting techniques I read from a book.

cid
7410

Sumigo5....

OMG....you are a clone of my life! I also have a 6 year old son, 1st grader, and my daughter is 14 months old, and my husband is a police officer. My 6 year old since going back to school a few weeks ago has gotten COMPLETELY out of control! I have to tell him to do things 5 and 6 times, he also says we love his sister more, he doesn't threaten to shoot me with the toy gun but after dealing with him I am ready to beat my head against the wall! It's incredibly frustrating b/c i know what good behavior he is capable of, i have seen it! We've taken away the bike, tv time, sent him to bed 1/2 an hour early to no avail. We always eat dinner at the dinner table, ask him about his day, help him patiently with homework, play board games and it still never seems like enough. I also, have no clue what to do. His behavior this morning was the last straw for my husband and he's taking him out of football hoping it may work. He feels wouldn't shouldn't "reward" him when he won't behave. Alot of this makes me wonder if it all stems b/c his sister is a baby and still requires a lot of attention but at the same time, he gets alone time too. I don't know......anyone????

cid
7465

My six year old daughter will not accept the word "no".
The fit that accompanies the word is ridiculous. I walk away, which infuriates her. I refuse to talk to her until she settles down. She loves playdates, and is fine in others homes, but once someone arrives here, she ends up in tears. I cannot handle her and feel myself losing it.
What can I do to get her to stop arguing and to use appropriate behavior? We have always been consistent in our discipline, she never gets away with it, but continues to fight us.

cid
7522

If she has a particularly hard time with playdates at home, perhaps you could use another location when it is your "turn" to be host, like the zoo or park or something.

You could also teach her how to respond to a "No." You could explain to her that sometimes people tell other people no. Not just adults to children, but co-workers, people on the train, airline ticket clerks, lots of people have to tell other people no, so we have to learn what to do when somebody says no. Then demonstrate the acceptable responses to the word "No." Take turns asking each other things, and saying no. Be silly.

cid
7544

Punishment means “to subject to pain”, “to inflict a penalty”, “to put to painful exertion”. Thus, the word itself sounds so cruel to us, then imagine, how kids would feel when they sense that they will be getting one (doesn’t matter how mild a punishment could be).

Unfortunately, it will only work if you want to get things done out of fear and not with respect. Things that are done with the feeling of fear will leave a scar in one’s mind and heart and reflects negatively on one’s self-esteem. Punishment creates the feeling of vengeance, initially it reflects in anger and arguments, and later on can turn into violent behavior.

My sincere suggestion to you would be to do positive talk i.e. what is it that you are looking for instead of what should not be done. I am going to tell you a few techniques that have produced marvelous results for me with my 6yrs old daughter.
Because of those simple but powerful talks on a couple of occasions she actually started crying, and innocently said, “Mom, I am very sorry. I know I behaved very badly with you, but you are still very nice with me.” In response, I told her, “No dear, you are an angel, and I know you didn’t want to hurt me in reality, but your mind was not thinking right. Perhaps, next time, if you first think from you heart and then say things, then you will never ever hurt me again.”

For e.g.:

 If they are throwing things, instead of saying, “don’t throw”, say, “ I would be really proud of you if you can put your toys neatly in the toy basket”.

 If the room is messy and they are making more mess, do not use the word “not” in your sentence. Say (by boosting their self esteem) “I know you are very good in cleaning the room. Let me know if I can help you. I can be your little helper.”

 If your kid is talking rudely, and exchanging arguments. Stop arguing suddenly and say, “Is there something bothering you? I can help you if you can share your feelings with me.” (Be ready to hear anything, but make sure, you are not even going to raise your voice to what you hear.).

If they say that they do not want to talk to you, and keep repeating words rudely then say, “I am sure; you are upset with something, which is why I can hear rude words from you. I know you are an angel who would never hurt anyone, not even with their words.” Stay silence for a couple of minutes and then say, “Though, I am very sad, because of the rude words, I know we can be happy again if we share our feelings. I am sure; both of us can fix the problem as a team.”

 Make them feel that you are their friend and not their enemy. Assume, if you are doing the same mistake, and how would you want another person to behave with you, obviously, respectfully and politely. Thus do the same with your kid that you expect other people to do with you. Yes, they are little human beings, just like us, but much more emotional that we could expect.

 Make them feel that they can trust you. And remember, make only those promises that you can fulfill. If you promise that you will not hit them, then no matter what, do not hit them, otherwise your kids will not trust you. If you promise that you will not get angry, come what may, do not frown and raise your voice. Instead make a sad face, and then reply.

There are a lot of other things that we could do to correct the situation, improve the behavior, and get what we want in result. It all depends on what your outlook is.

Best,
-Rakhi from cheenifortots

cid
7606

I am a single parent and very so grateful I found this site. I was at my wit's end until about a week ago. I stopped taking my mother's advice and started asking my grandmother what she would do. My grandmother is definitely from the old school. She believes in discipline, discipline, discipline. In one week, I went from being frustrated with a child who was consistently disrespectful and disobidient. My grandmother said, "Put her in the corner and don't let her out for 5 minutes first, then 8 minutes, then 10, etc" She said one of my uncles once said in the corner for two hours!!!

I quickly found that my daughter does not like this punishment...hence, it's working!

I think also that what was said about us wanting to give our child love and friendship has overshadowed our need to give them the structure and discipline they really do need. This is, I think, especially the case with single moms. Before you ladies start fussing, remember...I'm one of you. I realized that I was giving my daughter things to try and replace the father that wasn't there. I knew what it felt like...my father had left me too...the only difference here is there is no mean stepfather for her to deal with.

I think we all just have to hang in there and be strong for them. Parenting is supposed to be the hardest job in the world.

Good luck!

cid
7716

I was reading your comment, and agree about children not being respectful enough, and society accepting it, where discipline is lighter than it used to be. I have always told my son, since he wsa 2 - 3, what was expected, and reinforced it. He didnt always comply immediately, but he seemed like he learned by understanding expectations.

I am finding myself trying to reward his good behavior, to reinforce and remind him what he should already know. I do find myself spanking him, although I dont want to.. for throwing something, (at home today). I dont want to show him that hitting is okay, because he HAS to keep his hands to himself. I am getting so frustrated with his attitude., and the conferences I have had with the assistant principal and his teacher.

His problem is NOW he is in Kindergarten, and the first few weeks were okay, some minor incidents of disobedience, disruptiveness. (He did attend Daycare and PreK the two years prior, so he hasnt been living under a rock. ) His last few weeks have been continually worse, he is not handling his emotions well, running away, occasionally throwing something, handling dissapointment poorly, wont take time-outs., a relatively minor problem, cannot be resolved, and he escalates it. He has been sent home today, and I have to seek some kind of therapy. He is suspended from Kindergarten for tomorrow, his aggressive handling of his temper. His maturity is just not there, and I have to learn how to teach him these things.

cid
8018

I saw somebody else recommend Neurotherapy. There is a company called Learning Technics that has a useful approach.

cid
8019

I think my sons acting out, in school (started Kindergarten lately, is partly due to his lack of attention this last year, because of his younger brothers.

I am trying various othe techniques, he is involved in Soccer, although I have been taking his brothers, and I think maybe I should not. I want to maybe keep my focus on him during that hour. I wanted his Dad to attend Soccer, but with the twins, being 18 months, I thought maybe we could all go, to be there for him, instead of me always taking him, I want dad to be there., I didnt want to be stuck with the twins all the time, so.. ugh. I am very frustrated because I think my sons overall immaturity is because he is just not getting the good parenting he did from me, compared to before the babies were born.

I am annoyed, frustrated, and unsure. I am looking into counseling to reinforce good behavior. He cant keep getting notes sent home, and getting suspended, its only Kindergarten, for gods sake, he should be able to walk in line, keep hands to himself, without acting out, speaking out of turn, throwing tantrums over every little stupid incident.

cid
8021

I was glad to find this site today as I see so many others that are in the same boat as me. My son, who will be 5 next month, does not listen to me at all. He is in Pre K and gets notes sent home weekly, he has been to the principal's office twice. I have talked to him about listening at home and at school and he doesn't. He is constantly clowning around at home and school. I have tried talking to him, keeping him from doing things he likes, time outs, nothing works. When he doesn't get his way he throws temper tantrums, crying throwing things at me, etc. He has 2 sisters, one will be 3 next month and the other is 6 months old, and the 3 year old is starting to pick up some of his behavior. I am at my wits end. I don't want to resort to hitting as my father hit me and my siblings too much and don't want to be him.

cid
8074

Working at the Board of MRDD and having children with special needs myself, I have found the program called "1-2-3 Magic." My coworkers and I recommend it to our families. My sons have FASD (Fetal Alchol Spectrum Disorder) which has caused many behavior issues with them. We have used 1-2-3 since they came to our home at 18 months and 2 1/2 years. The gist of the program is: when your child is misbehaving and you need them to stop, you say 1, wait 5 seconds, 2, wait 5 seconds, 3 and time out(or some other consequence). In a short time, you will only have to put up one finger or say 1 and the behavior will stop. For my one son who has some ADHD and sensory processing disorder, we have him go up and down the steps 15 times. This just gets him using muscles and then he can usually calm himself. Now he will do the steps on his own because he can recognize what he needs. I highly recommend this program. I think most libraries have copies of the book or the DVD.

cid
8158

i'm haaving problems with my 3 and 5 year old and i have no idea what to do with them they act out in public and it takes everything i have to keep them apart everthing i have tried has failed please help

cid
8791

I have a different method. I’ll call it the “ONE” method. I call my child’s name once. If they do not acknowledge me as soon as I call them, they know I will stop what I am doing and I will get their attention. When my children were much younger they learned that when they are told to do something , they are to do it right then. When I call their name, they are to stop what they are doing and make eye contact with me. I refuse to sit and count out loud to a child who understands exactly what I am asking, but is refusing to do it. I will not adjust my schedule to accommodate tantrums, or fits. Additionally I will not sit in a public setting and subject others to an undisciplined child, while I, the parent, sits there counting out loud. I have seen this “method” in use several times. Most parents just start back at one when they get to three. Who is in charge here, the parent, or the child!

In another scenario. If you are trying to stop your child from doing something that may hurt them, like touching a hot stove, or running toward a moving car, will you have time use the 1,2,3 method? Or will they just keep doing what you are trying to stop because they are accustom to having you count to them? If a child can hear you count, and understands what that means, then that same child knows exactly what you are asking of them, but is REFUSING to comply.

cid
8800

i understand how u feel because iam going through the same thing but i have two boys 3 and 5 years old that don't listen and mouth back and then they start fighting with each outher and then the bitting and scratching and hitting comes along with it i'm constantly getting after them and trying to seperate them but its everyday and i get so fustrated and i really don't know what to do. some days i feel like pulling my hair out. me and my husband have been doing a behaviour chart with my five year old and it looks like it might be working but what am iam suppose to with a three year old who says bad words and his behaviour is out of control.

cid
8865

This is a reply to MBeth...You mention that you can give some information on EXACTLY to do basic things like give strong and consistent boundaries and insist that he/she obeys you...I would love to hear your elaboration. We, in our household, do have boundaries which we hold consistent, but our 6 year old son "doesn't care"...and he actually WANTS to be a bad ass!!! (although he doesn't use that terminology). He doesn't bully other kids, but wants to viewed as the "bad ass" of any group. He seems to show a lack of self control as well. He really doesn't seem to respect me (his mother), although around his step-dad, he would never display bad behaviour...

I find now, I'm really getting frustrated with him and am having a hard time displaying patience....so, I would love to hear what your tactics are and any suggestions you may have!

cid
11980

Here's another approach I've found works for us at times. Figure out what your kids really like to do. Let them tell you. Spend a lot of time w/ them doing these things. They will be happy if their enjoying the activities their engaged in. Then tell them, ok, you had your time, now it's my time (to cook, fold laundry, whatever). If the kids whine, say, you know what? I need your help just like you needed my help before. Let's cook together, fold laundry together, etc. Here's what you need to do. Most kids like to help. I think as long as you're giving them the attention they want, and you build that respect (I helped you, now you help me idea), they will be more likely to comply. It's worth a try.

cid
12079

Hi MBeth,

I read your post recently regarding Mothers with 5 year olds not listening. Please could I have more information on exactly how to do the basics.

Some Info:

My wife and I are at wits end, we have a beautiful daughter, Montana who is 5. She can be so loving and wonderful at times but she has such a strong character, stronger that both of us. We have tried everything but to no avail. When we speak to her or ask her to do something she does not listen or acknowledge us, only when we reach boiling point does she respond.

Please help!!!!

Wayne Nicholas

cid
17960

MBeth,

Hi i would love to hear more about this...my son just doesnt listen to us we have tried everything....I get so frustrated and stressed because of it and i am not sure what to do anymore please help....my email is jenns@cf-media.com

thanks so much

Would love to hear from u....

cid
23314

you know my daughter is the same way and i tell the doc. how she acts but they say thats just how they are but come on now what are you suppost to do when their acting like that all day every day theirs gotta be a point where they understant its enoughf they cant keep doing that. and with just having a newborn it gets very frusteating so what can you do? is i add?

cid
24333

Hi tigerson32! I know how it feels to have a child like this. We have 7 children, ages 16(almost),14,12,7,5,3,and 2.One of them sounds a lot like your daughter. He is really persistent, and pushes things to the edge every time.

When he was 2 and into playing with the faucet in the kitchen sink, I gave him all the traditional alternatives: extra time in the bathtub,let him play with a basin of water,etc. Even so, I had to pull him away from the kitchen sink over 40 times in a row-I counted- before he gave up.

So I know that getting children, especially
defiant children to listen to you is not as easy as people think it should be.

The most important thing you need is to make sure you have established yourself as an authority figure.For my son, and for other parents that I counsel, that means that you have to be clear about your role as a parent: you are not a friend or a buddy.

Your role is closer to that of a coach. You know what your child needs to get done, and you make sure he does what he needs to do to get there-even if the doing is unpleasant.

Some people feel guilty when their children suffer, or they feel their goal is to make sure their children are happy.Then when they are faced with a kid who through nature or experience would rather die than give up, they just cave in.

One question I have for you is are you sure you are being consistent? If the rule in your house is no jumping on the couch, then every time - and I mean even if she just puts her foot there and bounces it- your daughter jumps on the couch she has to have a consequence.

Time-out is really effective when you do it this way. But you might find your daughter needs additional consequences. These need to occur as soon as possible-the same day, preferably within an hour or so of the misbehavior.

It can include pretty much anything you want, as long as it is not abusive. It need not be a related consequence either. If you've got a natural consequence, then great, use it. If not, then that is fine too.

Because what your daughter will learn is that everything she gets from you is a PRIVILEGE, and not a right. You give her that yummy sandwich because you choose to. You drive her over to her friend's house for a playdate because you choose to.

And if she wants to keep getting those extras, then her behavior had better be in line with your standards. Not for your sake, but for hers.

Of course, don't forget to focus on the positives. Make sure to give constructive praise, both to her and in front of her. Be sure you spend at least 10 minutes a day with her, just enjoying being with her, and loving her just because she is.

Make sure she gets lots of physical affection too-she may look big, but 5 year-olds still want and need a lot of hugs, kisses, rough play,etc.

cid
24369

Wow! What a lot of people asking the same question, and a lot of people giving the same old myths!

@cheeni0808...

Using positive language definitely works.

@concerned ...

I like what you have to say.

The fundamental reason why children act this way is that they do not have the capacity for empathy until the age of about 6 or 7. They are totally egotistical, meaning they only think about themselves and what they want. They simply do not (and cannot) understand when you ask them to do something. This is well-known child-psychology that has not made it into popular parenting.

Sure, punishment works, sort-of, if you want angry children, at-risk teenagers, and disfunctional relationships. But there are much better ways. Unfortunately, most parents do not have the time, skills, or information required to do things differently. (This is not a criticism, but a sad fact of today's society.)

I can outline a few tips, but it takes much more to get a more complete understanding of this philosophy:
- have few boundaries, such as consistent bedtimes, keeping safe, etc.
- make few demands of children under the age of 7
- have fun, do things with them
- name your child's feelings
- help your child to cope with frustration
- accept meltdowns as normal result of being unable to cope with too many emotions
- don't try to be "friends" with your child, but be "on their side"
- let them make decisions on the small things
... the list goes on.

Matt
http://TheBestForMyChild.com/
Yes, I know, this looks just like any other one of the posts with links to products, but I am passionate about helping parents and children on forums as well as offering the information to have at all times.

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24450

My 5 year old does not want to listen. And when I punish her nothing seems to work. She does not care if you put her in time out or if you spank her or take things away. She has a bad temper to. I am at my wits end. I do not know what to do. Please help?

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24484

@morgan

You sound like you are really despairing. Parenting young children can be extremely difficult and distressing. However, can you listen to what you are saying?
- Punishment does not work.
- Your daughter has a bad temper.

I agree with what you are saying. But what I see is that you are modeling a pattern that your daughter is learning. You are actually reinforcing her bad behavior. I don't mean to sound like I am criticizing, but something needs to change or this will continue.

It will be much easier for both you and your daughter if you become less dominating and more cooperative. Try to work through your daughter's daily tasks/issues with her rather than battling against her. Despite popular opinion, you will not be "giving in" to your daughter. Instead, you will be teaching her how to cope with daily tasks in a less anxious, more pleasurable way. She will do things for herself when the time is appropriate.

Children will respond well if you can try to make things fun. Pick up toys together, clean teeth together.

Matt
TheBestForMyChild

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24505

I need my 5 yr old to obey and listen to me and not talk or play with certain people

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24977

Im new in this website, but going through the same situations of my daughter bad behaivor forced me to research for a website like this, because I really needs a lot of help. I read the other 2 stories and I feel their pain I have the same situations. My child doesnt listen or respect. Please I need more tips on how to stop her bad behavior.

cid
25005

Google Supernanny or watch the shows. The techniques really do work.

cid
25010

I am concerned about our young too and would like to suggest a book that I believe with all my heart will help you in your quest. Please see my profile for complete details on "From a Child's Perception", and I invite your feedback! I want all parents to have the information I've shared in this book! www.publishamerica.com search for From a Child's Perception

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25255

I suggest reading "From a Child's Perception" by Anna Fowler. I think you'll find the information in this book will help you find options that will work to promote a bond between your little one and yourself! It isn't textbook! It's the voice of experience and unlike any other parenting information I've found, and reviews found on Amazon.com agrees. Parenting isn't a one size fits all, and the author offers options and logic, and it's a great read as well!

cid
25417

wheap her ass to she learn a lesson

cid
25426

fuck you

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25427

my five year old son is out of control he is bigger than most of his peers he recently bullied one of his peers by holding him against the fence in the school yard when i asked him what he was doing he replied that he was playing but in all honesty i am not sure if he was really playing or not he has shown his temper since he was three years old his strength was first shown when he got his first set of needles it took two people to hold him my concern is what will happen when he gets older if we don't get a handle on his anger now any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated

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25480

If you can get him into a good martial arts course, that might be helpful. A good sensei spends a lot of time teaching WHEN to fight as well as how. Is Dad in the picture?

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25481

I agree with Snapperfish, it's all about modeling the behavior yourself to show your child how you want him/her to act. I would suggest using an incentive program and reward your child when he/she is doing something good. That way your child will see that something good comes from doing something good rather than something bad (or getting a reaction) comes from you when doing something bad.

I use a program involving tickets. Whenever my kids do something good, help out around the house, are kind to each other, they will get a ticket. They can then "cash" in their tickets for privileges like time on computer, tv or small gift from $1 store. Sometimes, just one-on-one time with mom or dad is a huge reward. We all get so busy that sometimes our children are just wanting our attention. cont'd

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25689

If my kids are doing bad behavior, they will have a consequence that has been discussed in advance and that is to lose tickets. It makes a difference to explain consequences with your child BEFORE a bad behavior happens when he/she is calm and can understand, rather than thinking something up when you are angry and upset.

If anyone wants further explanation of this program I use, I'm happy to share how to get the info.

Jamie
Co-founder of www.TheArtOfMasteringSeries.com LLC

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25690