am at a loss (My Mrs simply does not know how to "play fair") - FamilyEducation
am at a loss (My Mrs simply does not know how to "play fair")
10/13/2010 at 15:55 PM

for those NOT in the know, find my other post a few weeks back.

I thought things were getting better, but, well... that was only because we have not had an issue to deal with...

Quick Background (for the current prob -- see my older posts for ALL the gory details):

- Back in May my 13 year old nephew mentioned he was not liking his current boy scout troop (not as active as he might like them to be)

- Back in June he mentioned the idea that he might ask me to join him on some kind of bsout outing this current season

- ~4 weeks ago i took him and my son (11) camping and they were talking about scouts...

- My nephew heard of all the GREAT THINGS my son's troop did and said (in passing, and perhaps 1/2 joking) " troop does nothing like that, maybe i should join yours!!..."

- He said this to both my son and i (i did not respond, not knowing WHAT to do!)

- A week after that camping trip i asked my son his thoughts re: cousin joining his troop "...i really do not care Dad..."

- After another week, i asked him again what his thoughts on this were (again "...does not matter to me, he would hang out with the older boys anyay…")

- I then approach my sister-in-law (mom of nephew). Her eyes LIT UP like an xmass tree, she KNEW he was not liking his current troop and thought (as did i) that THIS might be a way to KEEP him involved (more details here, but… bottom line, she was “on board” – which I was surprised about since our troop is ~15 mins from her house
- I start touching base with our troop to see what the process would be

- I infor my wife that 1) my son is ok with it and 2) regardless of how WE FEEL about this…. he could join without us being involved, i.e., WE (rather SHE, my wife) cannot prevent him from doing this…. I told her, talk to our son, see what he says, but we the 3 of us should talk about this (I begged her, do nothing other than ask his opinion)

- I ask my son my Mrs. Spoke to him, he said yes… after a few mins I uncover that she asked him, he said (now for the 3rd time: “…does not matter to me…”) and that she went on to add “…well, you may not like it a year from now…”

(all I said to my son was “what do you think of this?” – I NEV ER tried to SELL him on it!! Although here she is trying to TAINT his view of it!)

It gets better (rather, worse)…

Up until this point I have not yet responded to my nephews comment (though now I’m KICKING MYSELF FOR THAT!!!) because I thought I would try and be FAIR and get input from my son, my sister-in-law and even my own wife (who I’m just dumb-founded that she is ANTI this – saying to me “…I’m not too keen on the weekly involvement…” – is she NEW HERE! I have MADE this kid a part of my life!!! And “…from my perspective I see this as a step backwards for us…”

REALLY!! Helping a kid stay in scouts if he is on the verge of quitting, reforming a BOUND between my son and his cousin and me now simply going to scouting events for my son (which would THEN include my nephew) rather then going to a couple things for my nephew in ADDITION to things for my son, is a STEP BACKWARDS!!!

But here is the kicker…

I found out last week that my Mrs has complained to my sister-in-law before (re: my involvement with her son)…

I sent my sister-in-law an e-mail the other day re: details of what would need to be done for her son to join our troop…

Here is her response:
After giving it thought, I feel it's best to check into troops closer to home. I have to "take charge" here as a parent and do this. Please understand Bill that I appreciate the offer, but let this (scouts/william's troop) be yours and william's thing to do together. I will talk to Ben myself about it and we will work on it. I need to "take the ball and run with it" , so to speak. I need to handle things as a parent on my own and really haven't done that lately. I hope you understand. Have a good weekend.

This is NOT her normal “prose”… not her NORMAL “stance” and contains the almost EXACT WORDS that my wife said to me over the course of this situation (re: step up, take charge) and specific comments re: “…be your’s and william’s thing…”!

Our therapist wants us to be opened with each other, but when I TRY to be fair… to include her in a discussion….. true, I was not giving her a choice, because, well… it is NOT OUR’S it is my nephews and his mom’s!
She, i KNOW tainted my son’s feelings about this and I THINK called her sister and READ HER THE RIOT ACT!!

How am I supposed to open up to her if I cannot TRUST her to be fair!
All I want is for this kid to get onto a good path and if that means he joins a troop that has a FAMILY CONNECTION FOR HIM!!


I am at a loss now…
Since the mom kind’a pulled the plug before I spoke to my nephew…
I will NEVER make this mistake again…
True, my nephew may have only been joking re:” join your troop” and had I asked him about this comment 2nd (after I spoke to my son – as if my son was NEGATIVE on it, I would not have pursued it) it could have avoided some grief… however, now…. After my wife has “stirred the pot” with my son (for sure!) and it is not much of stretch to think that she ALSO stirred the pot with my sister-in-law (who I am going to PRESS on why she had such a drastic turn around) I’m just not sure how I can untangle this…!
2 family members (1 on my side and 1 on my wife’s side) agree with me that the response from the boy’s mom is NOT her “typical” mindset…!

Also, “stepping up” as a mom means DOING WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO TO HELP GET YOUR CHILDREN INTO A BETTER SITUATION no matter WHAT that situation is… whether it be making sure they do their homework, setting a good example, not allowing them to hang out with “bad kids” or supporting their wishes for HOLSOME groups that they might want to join!

Right now… everyone (my son, my sister-in-law, my wife, and yes, of course me) has had a voice in this BUT my nephew and that is MY FAULT! And it is KILLING ME!


I would have NEVER thought of this if it were not for my nephew mentioning it… I just feel as though he might think his comment feel on deft ears…
So tangled…
So torn…

I allowed my "compasion" for the process and being "fair" to my wife OVER RULE my gut.... i.e., do what uis RIGHT FOR MY NEPHEW!


Perhaps your SIL could get involved on the scout committee and help promote a more active scout program in his current troop.

indeed... the SIL could help "reform" her son's current troop... and to be honest, i would really be surprised if my nephew (in the end) decided to come to ours (assuming that option was even presented to him) since he would likely only know me/my son (though i have heard through grape vine that a boy from his troop may be joining our troop)... re: SIL getting more involved, well.... THAT certainly would be "stepping up" as a parent!! However, i just do not see her doing that... she is in her own little world (that revolves around her BF!)... :(

well, i figured i should "close" this thread with the following: My nephew visited our bscout troop, liked it... visited another in his home town (did not like it!). My mrs is, well, somewhat concerned, but she realizes that she really has no "place" to KILL this... bottom line, my nephew will be joining our troop. Indeed, i will need to be careful about how all of this plays out, however, in my heart, i only see WORLDS OF GOOD (for my nephew and my son - he and my nephw. driffted and this may help to reforge that relationship)... anyway, we are still in therapy (for all of the MAJOR demons we have in our relationship), but we are now walking forward (hand in hand) as we try and not only rebuild our own relationship, but also as she allows me to "embrace" this moral obligation (as i see it) to help my nephew... ! :)