Step-Parent Adoption - FamilyEducation
Step-Parent Adoption
06/01/2010 at 14:18 PM

Hello All
My name is Nicole. I have a situation that I would greatly appreciate anyones advice on.

I have a son, Bryan, that is 6 (7 in Nov.). He is in K and just lights up my life. He is full of energy and makes everyday fun to live.
I had Bryan when I was 18 years old and was separated from his biological father while I was pregnant. I met my husband when Bryan was 13 months old and we have been together ever since. Bryan has no idea that Roger, my husband, is not his biological father. He has never met his biological father; the biological father has never been in the picture. We are going tomorrow to our court hearing for my husband adopting Bryan to make him legally his son. We have wanted this for a long time and feel it will make our family complete. My question is, how should we go about telling Bryan that he is adopted and when should we do this?? My husband and I have two children together now and we never want Bryan to feel left out or anything like that but we do want him to know the truth. All suggestions would be great as we have no clue what the best way would be.

I thank you for your time and any help that you have to offer!!!

So, was the adoption final on May 5th? Or was it a preparatory hearing? If the adoption is not yet final, I would invite grandparents and extended family (and boy) to the court when the adoption is made final. Usually the judge will say something very poignant about how adoption builds good families. I wanted to reply to this before, but have been having some trouble with posting. I hope you get a chance to read this.

My suggestion is for you to very quickly find a therapist who is familiar with adoption matters who can help you decide how best to tell your son. My mother told me on my 12th birthday that my father was not my bio-dad which was way too late. It would have been so much better for me to have known this all of my life. It can be much more difficult to process the information when older, knowing sooner is much better than later.

I am an adult. My mother and birth father married and had me and we all lived together for a few years until their divorce. The divorce was very stressful and ugly and my birth father had some contact with me for a while, but stopped coming by and paying support. I also had a history of in person connections with his family that also stopped due to some family stress issues. My mother later remarried when I was four and my step father adopted me. My birth father's family was very upset.(I later found out as an adult and so did my mother and adoptive father.)I won't go into the reasons why my birth father and his family stopped seeing me due to the details. However, I will say, the adoption was a huge mistake and I would give anything to take it back and prevent the loss of my heritage, family, and original name. I had a good family and good adoptive father I love, but losing my original father's family has been sad and hard for me. I mostly experienced this when I reconnected with them all. Apart from these things, I think of how child support from my father could have paid for quite a bit of things in high school had my mother persued the money my birth father owed. Saying this, the financial support is a very small portion of my regret. Please be very careful about taking away your child's heritage and name and extended family. My mother and adoptive father have grieved over their decision because of what it did to me. You don't need a piece of paper to have your husband love and provide for your son. In fact, it would increase the love and available father figures in his life. He can have both. Please reconsider and tread very carefully.

"From a Child's Perception" is a wonderful book that details foster care, adoption, and adult life thru the eyes of a child! I sincerely wish everyone would read it and know it's from the heart of someone whose been there! I know you won't be disappointed in its content! has the best pricing I've found.

My heart goes out to you and your family! This kind of truth is earth shattering and great care must be taken to avoid your son feeling his whole life has been a lie. Please see my profile for my suggestion to you. Reading this book and questioning logic may help you decide what to tell him, but remember his whole life is about to change so please be gentle. What you don't tell him could set his world on full tilt. I've been where your son is about to tread and it's a hard pill to swallow and the later it comes to light, the worse the fall-out! Also there are going to be some tough questions for you to answer, so be ready with words that won't make him question his role in the bigger scheme of things. I can't tell you what to tell him, but I believe if you'll read my book, you'll have a positive place to start and you'll decide for yourself what not to tell him! Good Luck to you, your husband, and your son! May God Bless and keep you all! "From a Child's Perception" by Anna Fowler