My son does not know he is adopted - FamilyEducation
My son does not know he is adopted
03/19/2010 at 15:14 PM

A long story cut short, but when my ex had a child by another man I took him on as my own even though we had split up. I thought it would be better for my son for his brother to come to mine when he did and for me to treat them the same. Neither of them know any different.
I am a long way into a new relationship that involves two much older children (19 and 15 mine are 9 and 6) and a new baby. The two older children don't know about the parentage of the 6 year old, but are asking questions / making comments about him just being that bit different and being nothing like me.
I know I need to tell him at some point (his mum disagrees) but I dont know when or how to do it - and should I do it even if she objects?
Finally if that was not enough - should I tell him who his real father is - he is a complete loony and has threatened to shoot both me and my ex previously. We had a 2 minute Police response put on our numbers if we called 999 even if we hung up straight away!
Any help / views would be much appreciated.

It is not uncommon for children to look very little like their natural parents. My sisters and I looked very different from each other when we were growing up. It is only now, when we are in our fifties, that we can detect similarities. My son-in-law's family has 5 children each with different complexions and hair colors and bone structures and eye colors. I would just say, "Huh," if the other children comment that he doesn't look like you. Don't explain anything, don't make anything up. The response is a deadpan, "Oh." Then move on. The time to tell the boy he is adopted is about 5 years ago, or 15 years from now.

Great advice! My children look nothing alike , my daughter, not at all like their father and my son, nothing like me or anyone in my family, and have completely different personalities. Possibly a therapist could help put you on the right track with this complicated situation.