First off, it's not my son but my brother. My mother has the issue and refuses to leave me out of it. I don't live there and haven't in over ten years.
She's now engaged and apparently the fiance barely even speaks to her until she gets her life in order.
My brother has been asked to move numerous times but just as often, she offers to help him with baby steps that basically tell him he doesn't have to leave. In addition, over the years, he has acquired a bad temper that I've never seen. She has called the police on him and fears for her safety at times because of his temper.
When he is approached about the issue, he shuts down and can't seem to handle it. I suspect he has aspergers as does myself and other family members which is making such a huge transition difficult for him. I have encouraged her to seek out information and support online. I have encouraged her to use her work benefits and get family counseling and she says that she has no time for that. She wants a quick fix that prevents her from feeling the true guilt she should feel about how she has managed her life and her son's life.
She has repeatedly asked me to intervene which I refuse to do. This is not my mess. I did not create the issues yet, when I refuse to get involved, she gets pretty nasty and tells me that I should feel guilty for doing ok in my own life without helping my brother. I have no interest in screwing around with the fragile relationship I have with my brother and I feel that getting involved will surely cause this.
At this point, I've provided a few suggestions and at this point, I feel that her only option would be to move his stuff out of her house, change the locks and own the guilt, worry and sadness that any mother would have putting a seemingly vulnerable adult child out on the streets.
She blew this one royally in my books and I blame her for raising him in a way that told him he was incapable of doing things on his own. She always treated him like he was her pet and now that she has a man and wants to appear to be the strong upfront woman she should be, she can't sort this out. She plays childish games that makes it impossible to speak to her as a mature adult. The minute I tell her how her behavior has created this mess, she says stupid pity like things to get people to back off. I compare it to emotional cutting. "Oh well, things will get better" she says in ways that suggest she is saying she'll do something drastic that will make others feel guilty about not helping her in ways that she desires. It gets so old it's not funny.
Yesterday, I was supposed to introduce my boyfriend to her and my grandmother but did not because she never consented to it. What a surprise when I show up alone and she is visibly a mess. She looked a wreck and she knew that I would be embarrassed with the way she looked. There was nothing about her behavior that said that she was in a right mind to meet anyone without it being obvious she was having issues. Less than a minute after she saw I was alone, she took off.
I think it's disgusting that she would pull other people into this and make them feel guilty for not solving problems that she created. My grandmother calls me on Thanksgiving crying because my mother is so unhappy. Even she tried talking to my brother and for the first time, felt his rage. She was scared but I blamed my mother for setting that up.
I don't believe anyone can solve this problem other than my mother.
If I speak to my brother and it does nothing except cause tension between us, I may never forgive her for that.
If there is anything anyone can think of that I might be able to do that I have not already done, I'm open to suggestions.