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Helping Teens Cope with the September 11 Tragedy
Carleton Kendrick Ed.M., LCSW
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Teenagers have a sense of invincibility. They may pretend not to be affected or concerned by these
horrific events in an effort to remain "above it all" and "cool." Don't let their mask of indifference,
supposed disinterest, and silence fool you. They are indeed scared, confused, worried and in need of your
reassurance that they are secure and safe.
Teens may already be cracking jokes about these tragedies among their peers, in an unconscious effort
to distance themselves from their fears. Do not permit jokes about these events in your family, explaining
to your teens that there is nothing remotely funny about what has happened.
Stop your teens' and/or their peers' racist remarks in their tracks. Derogatory, hateful anti-Arab and
anti-Muslim comments and acts have already begun to surface and undoubtedly will continue -- just tune in
to a radio talk show in any city. Offer your teens understanding about their anger toward these murderers --
"I'm full of anger toward them too!" -- but talk about how dangerous and unfair it is to blame an entire
nationality, race, or religion for the crimes of some of its members. A discussion of our country's internment
camps for its Japanese Americans in the wake of Pearl Harbor might prove to be an appropriate elaboration of
this point.
Find out what your teens know and where they got their information before discussing these current
events with them. You need to take the responsibility of providing them, as best you can, factual
information and of helping them distinguish opinion from fact. Listening to their portrayal of what
has happened and what's to come may give you a sense of what most concerns them. Don't lecture or interrupt
them frequently. Listen patiently.
Show your teens more physical affection -- a simple touch or an arm around the shoulder. You might even
say, " Indulge your Mom/Dad, I need a hug from you." Then you can give them the physical affection and
connection that they may have felt too uneasy or "grownup" to ask you for.
Ask them what acts of courage and compassion have moved them most during these unimaginable days of
shock and grief. It's important to speak of those who have helped others, rather than focusing solely on
the horror and the tragedy.
If your teens have not yet offered some form of aid or condolences to the victims of this tragedy, talk
with them about several ways that they can render assistance. They may wish to do something personally
and with you as a family. Helping takes away some of the feelings of helplessness.
Teenage boys, because of how they have been socialized, may be prone to seeking revenge through
killing. Please understand their rage and their feelings of vengeance but discuss with them why revenge
should not be the goal of our country's responses.
If your teens have friends who have been directly affected by this tragedy, help them find the words
and deeds to comfort these friends.
Limit the amount of TV time in your home. Your teens are not helped by watching countless replays of
planes crashing into buildings, bodies being removed from the rubble, or the victims' relatives sobbing.
They should not be shielded from the aftermath of these attacks, but watching endless continuing coverage
of these events can put them into an emotionally overloaded, anxious state. When you do watch TV news
coverage, try to watch it together and talk about what you are seeing, hearing, and feeling.
Don't tell your teens that this will all be over soon, especially when our leaders are preparing us
for a protracted war against terrorism. Be honest about what might have to happen in the future, both
at home and abroad, to counteract terrorism. But also state firmly why we must prevail.
Do your homework and tell your teens why the United States is so hated by some people. Simply saying
"They hate our way of life." is not an accurate or a sufficient explanation. Our kids need and deserve to
understand the history behind why we have become the target of those who attacked us.
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